


Second Chances

by alyb123



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship/Love, Keenler - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-08-18 05:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 56,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8151002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyb123/pseuds/alyb123
Summary: Elizabeth Keen is alive. Donald Ressler isn't sure of much, other than that he loves her despite everything. Slowly, Liz comes to realize that she loves him too. Set beginning in 4.01 and concluding with the events of 4.22, this is an AU version of the events of Season 4 and 100% Keenler. All characters make appearances, but the story is focused on Liz & Ressler.





	1. Cuba

"I don't know why you bother," a familiar voice said coolly. "She clearly doesn't care about you, so why do you still care about her?" Donald Ressler looked up to see his partner, Samar Navabi, leaning in the doorway of his office, her arms folded across her chest. He had just finished being briefed by Cooper and was gathering the last things he would need for his trip to Cuba to meet Reddington.

"Doesn't matter how I feel," he replied brusquely. "Keen's in trouble and she needs our help."

"You still can't let her go, can you?" Samar replied, shaking her head. "One of these days, you're going to get yourself killed, and for what?"

"If you're so worried about my well-being, why don't you come along and back me up?" he replied irritably. He was not in the mood for a lecture. He had a job to do and he was eager to get moving.

"No. You're on your own with this one, I'm sorry. You may be able to forgive her, but I can't. Not yet, anyway." Samar pursed her lips together tightly.

"It's not about forgiving her. It's about bringing her back safely. Her and Agnes. We can deal with the rest of it after that." He grabbed his bag and moved towards the doorway, expecting her to move aside.

Samar held her ground. "What is so special about Elizabeth Keen?" she asked, bitterly.

"What are you talking about?" he asked impatiently.

"Reddington...you...what is so damn special about Elizabeth Keen that you are both willing to lay down your lives for her over and over and over again no matter what she does?"

Ressler stared at her, unsure how to respond. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said as he brushed past her, forcing her to step aside.

"She doesn't love you, you know. She doesn't even care about you or she wouldn't have done any of the things that she did. You need to stop fooling yourself," Samar called out to his retreating back. Ressler stopped for a moment and squared his shoulders as he felt his face flush. He clenched his jaw and kept going towards the elevator without looking back.

He jabbed the elevator button angrily with his finger. The last 12 hours had been little more than a blur since Reddington had called to announce that Liz was alive. Ressler had wanted to jump on the first plane to Havana but protocol demanded that they get clearance from the White House first. He was eager to get moving and to do something. He had no patience for standing around staring at screens while waiting for Reddington to call. He needed to be on the ground, to be part of the hunt. He felt energized in a way he hadn't felt in months and waiting around while bureaucrats obtained the necessary authorizations was killing him. Most of all, he just wanted to see her - to see with his own eyes that she was alive. He didn't know whether he wanted to shake her, scream at her, or hug her, but there was plenty of time to figure that out. The only thing that mattered right now was finding her - and Agnes - and bringing them back safely. Everything else could wait.

Three hours later, a wave of humidity hit him as he stepped off the plane in Havana and squinted at the blinding sun. He hailed a cab that looked like something his grandfather might have driven back in 1950s Detroit. "A donde muchacho?" the grizzly old driver asked him, peering at him through the ancient rear view mirror. Ressler provided the address and stared out the window as they passed through the crowded city streets, a thin sheen of sweat already forming on his back. He tried to imagine Liz living in this crowded, bustling city that looked like something time had forgotten, a swirling maze of pastel vehicles and buildings. The air was thick with diesel fumes and there was a constant hum of voices and music on every corner. A very different world from the tightly buttoned-up streets of D.C. Finally, the cab pulled up in front of the cafe where he was supposed to meet Manuel Esteban. Ressler paid the bill and hurried up the steps, chuckling as someone shouted something crude about his pale skin - at least as far as his rudimentary Spanish allowed him to understand. Once inside, he ordered an egg coffee as instructed. _Time to get to work._

* * *

 

Ten hours later, he was soaked to the skin as he snapped his phone shut after Panabaker's tongue-lashing and watched as the Cuban police freed the prisoners from Esteban's dungeon. He hadn't earned himself any friends in the U.S. Government as a result of today's actions, but he didn't care. Some things were more important. He craned his neck looking for the woman he had spoken with so briefly. Finally, he saw her, shivering under a street light in the pouring rain as she looked around wildly. He pushed his way through the crowd to reach her and grabbed her elbow gently. She jumped like a startled animal but relaxed when she saw who it was.

"You ok?" he asked gently. She nodded, shivering. He took in her ragged appearance and thin frame. She was barefoot and the thin fabric of her dress was no match for the pounding rain.

"Come on, let's get you out of this rain and get you something to eat." He steered her gently down the street, away from the crowds. She stumbled slightly, and he tightened his grip on her arm as he led her towards the closest restaurant. He pushed the door open and was grateful to find the dimly lit place mostly empty with just a few patrons huddled at tables in the back. A woman in a colorful apron came forward to greet him with a smile but frowned as she saw the dripping, filthy woman behind him. Ressler opened his wallet and flashed some bills and the woman's frown disappeared as she led them to a corner table. She returned a moment later with a damp towel and a shawl and shuffled off as Ressler pressed some money into her hand. He watched as the young woman wiped her hands and face with the towel and wrapped the shawl around her shoulders.

"You speak English?" he asked after she looked more collected.

"Yes, a little," she replied. "My family works for an English man. I had to learn."

"What's your name?"

"Ivelisse," she said softly. "And you are...?"

"Don," he replied. "You can call me Don."

A waitress appeared with steaming plates of rice and beans and chicken and put it on the table in front of them. Ressler watched as Ivelisse gratefully devoured some of the food and some color gradually returned to her face.

"Thank you, Don," she said finally. "I don't know what to..."

"No need to thank me," he replied. "Just doing my job."

She looked at him quizzically. "What job brings an American like you to Cuba? What did you want with Esteban?"

Ressler hesitated, weighing what to say. "I'm looking for my friend. She was kidnapped. Her and her baby and her ... husband," he said finally. "I came down here to find the people who took them. Esteban had a lead."

Ivelisse shook her head and he could see the tears in her eyes. "Esteban is a horrible, evil man...the things he did to me...to my family..." She looked away, blinking rapidly.

"Hey," Ressler said softly, reaching out and placing his hand over hers. "You're safe now. He's gone. He can't hurt you anymore."

"Thank you," she whispered. "I can't thank you enough. Your friend - she must be very special that you come all this way and face a man like that to find her."

Ressler licked his lips and looked down at his plate, unable to meet her eyes. "She is," he said simply.

"I hope you find her and her family," Ivelisse replied gently.

"Me too," he said.

For the next hour, they chatted as they finished their food. Ivelisse told him about her father and brother and he told her what little he felt he could about Liz without giving too much away. In the end, Ivelisse's eyes were wide.

"That poor girl," she said. "She must have been so afraid for her child to leave such friends as you behind and come to a place like this. You will find her, Don. I know you will."

Finally, he paid the bill and they returned the owner's shawl and headed for the door. As they stepped out into the street, he was relieved to see that the rain had stopped and the street was much quieter than before.

"Is there someone I can call to come and get you?" he asked, turning to Ivelisse.

"No, thank you," she replied. "It is not far - I will be fine." She reached up and touched his cheek with her hand. "You are a good man, Don. Good luck with finding your friend." She bit her lip and hesitated for a moment before continuing, "And when you find her - you should tell her what you feel. I can see from how you speak of her that you love her. You should tell her that." And with that, she turned and headed down the street.

Ressler watched until she rounded the corner and then glanced at his watch. It was late and he knew he should catch at least a few hours of sleep before his flight. He'd booked a room earlier in the day once he realized that he wasn't going to make the last flight out. He had hoped to hear from Reddington again but there had been no word since he left him at the cafe to go track Esteban's lead. He hoped that no news meant good news, but he felt uneasy. He hailed a cab and headed back to the hotel which, like most others, was along the waterfront. As he exited the cab, he heard the sound of the waves crashing against the sea wall that bordered the city's waterfront. Still feeling restless, he turned and crossed the street to have a look instead of heading into the hotel. He climbed an ancient set of steps until he he could see over the wall and then stood, quietly, taking in the scene. A small sliver of moon illuminated the sea, the pounding surf the only sound except for some faint strains of music in the distance.

As he stared out at the ocean, a fine mist of spray blowing up at his face, Ivelisse's words echoed in his mind. _You should tell_ _her what you feel._.. He wished he had, a long time ago, before it was too late. But at the time, it just didn't feel right. _Was it too late?_ Maybe Samar was right. Maybe he _was_ just fooling himself. But for the first time in a long time he felt hopeful, like maybe some good would come out of this whole mess after all. _A second chance_. He reached down and grabbed a smooth rock and rubbed it in his palm, lost in thought. Then, with a fluid motion he hurled the rock out into the blackness of the sea. "I'm going to find you, Elizabeth Keen," he whispered.


	2. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler reunites with Liz for the first time following her faked death.

"Reddington has a location for Keen. Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. I need you and Agent Navabi to re-direct there right away. RCMP and agents from the Ottawa field office will meet your flight." Cooper's voice crackled over the plane's radio.

"Copy that," Ressler replied. He handed the radio back to the co-pilot and headed back to his seat across from Samar.

"Change of plans," he said as he settled back into his seat. "Reddington says that Kirk is holding Keen at a house in Nova Scotia. We're re-directing there."

Samar stared at him for a moment but then nodded and turned her head away towards the window. Ressler watched her for a minute before continuing.

"Look, I need to know if you can do this. Because if you can't…"

"I can," she replied tightly without looking at him.

"Fine. Good." He glanced at his watch and drummed his fingers anxiously on the armrest of the seat. It would be at least another two hours before they landed in Canada. And probably another hour beyond that before they would reach their destination. _Hang in there, Keen_ , he thought. Hearing her voice on the recording from the Cuban boat had been terrifying. He could hear the panic in her tone as she asked about a gun. And then the gunshot…he had tried to avoid telling Cooper and Aram about it because talking about it made it seem too real. The boat captain had alleviated his worst fears, but she was clearly not out of danger. He stared out the window at the clouds below, willing the plane to move faster. _I am not going to lose you again_.

* * *

 

Hours later, he twisted the radio anxiously in his hands as he waited outside the house for her to be brought out. He still hadn't spoken to her. As much as he'd been prepared to see her – or at least _thought_ he'd been prepared to see her - he'd still been rendered largely speechless when she appeared in front of him as they entered the house. He'd let the RCMP take the lead on clearing the rest of the house and had stepped out front to collect himself. Finally, he saw her coming down the steps just as Samar's voice came over the radio announcing "Kirk's gone, and if Agnes is with him, she's gone too."

He turned the volume down and turned to see Liz standing in front of him, her lips trembling, her eyes searching his, waiting for a reaction. Wordlessly, he reached out and took her in his arms, feeling her shudder and begin to sob as she clung to him. She felt more fragile – thinner – than he remembered, but it had been a long time since he had been this close to her. He rubbed her back and tried to murmur reassurance and finally she pulled back, wiping her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He shook his head. _Plenty of time for all of that later_.

"What matters is you're safe," he replied, trying to sound calmer than he felt. He still had a job to do. "Was Agnes here?"

Liz bit her lip. "No. Kirk said she would be brought here. But she hadn't arrived yet, and if he's gone…" Her eyes scanned upward towards the sky.

Ressler wished he could offer more reassurance but he had a feeling Agnes would not be showing up at this house today. He licked his lips. "We'll wait a little bit and see what happens. We've got eyes at all the airstrips. If she's nearby, we'll find her." He gestured towards the spacious house, with its tidy front porch and gables. "What is this place? And what did Kirk want with you?"

Liz looked down at the ground and poked a pebble on the driveway with her toe before responding. "He says he's my father," she said finally. "He says that I used to spend summers here when I was a child." She looked up at him, her expression unreadable.

Ressler stared past her at the house as he processed what she had said, a million thoughts whirling through his mind.

"Your father? I thought your father was dead?" he replied finally. Of all the things Liz could have told him about Alexander Kirk, that one was unexpected and he felt a sudden rage at Reddington for once again omitting key details. "If Kirk is your father - Reddington must know this?"

Liz rubbed her forehead anxiously. "I thought my father was dead. Now I don't know what to think. I agree that Reddington must know who he is, if Kirk is telling the truth. I didn't believe Kirk but ... I remember this place. At least, I _think_ I do. For the first time, I remember my mother's face and her speaking to me." Liz held out her wrist and showed him a simple string bracelet. "I remembered her burying this in a coffee can in the backyard. I went to the spot and dug it up and it was exactly where I thought it would be. It's the first time I can recall any memory of her."

Ressler fingered the bracelet lightly and then dropped his hand back by his side. "Did Kirk have anything else that proves his story?"

"Come inside, I'll show you," she replied.

He followed her into the house and up the stairs. She led him up to what was clearly a child's bedroom with a dollhouse and a small table and chairs, a china tea set ready for a child's small hands. A faint sense of furniture polish filled the room. _Frozen in time_ , he thought, as he took in the toys and books, which seemed like they had remained untouched for a long time. He walked around the room slowly and paused at a simple drawing with the words "Masha" in the lower right hand corner.

"Masha, huh?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. He remembered the name all too well from her time on the run. Liz closed her eyes and shook her head. "He says that is my name. Masha Rostova. I just don't know. I just don't know what to believe anymore." Ressler stared at the drawing for a minute before returning it gently to its resting spot.

"We should get back downstairs - see if there's any word on Kirk and Agnes" he said, glancing at his watch. It had been nearly an hour since he arrived at the house. Wherever Kirk had escaped to, their chances of capturing him were diminishing by the minute.

* * *

 

Two hours later, Samar appeared in the doorway of the dining room. "We've finished processing the scene. No identifications on any of Kirk's goons. I just spoke with the RCMP chief. No sign that Agnes ever entered Canada. And no sign of Kirk." Ressler glanced over his shoulder at Liz, who was sitting at the dining room table, head in her hands. She looked up at Samar's words and stared at them sadly.

"We should head back to D.C.," Samar continued. "Cooper's going to want us to debrief him." Samar's focus was on Liz over his shoulder, but she remained impassive except for the barest flicker of a muscle in her cheek. As far as Ressler knew, the two had not spoken yet, and likely wouldn't today.

"Alright. Let me see what Liz wants to do," he replied.

"It doesn't matter what _she_ wants," Samar replied coldly, her attention back on him. "You're in command of this operation. She'll go where we tell her to go."

Ressler groaned inwardly. He really wasn't prepared to deal with this right now. "Look, I know you're upset and angry with her, but now is not the time. Her child is missing. Let's stay focused on that," he replied crisply. He turned and crossed the room and crouched down in front of Liz.

"No sign of Agnes or Kirk," he said gently, his hand on her knee. "The plane's waiting at the airport. We can head back to D.C. now or we can stick it out tonight and wait to see what happens. Your call." Behind him, he heard Samar's exasperated intake of breath and he knew Liz heard it too because her eyes darted to Samar and then back to him. She looked exhausted, like she hadn't slept in days. Liz shook her head and looked at him pleadingly, "I can't leave until I'm positive she's not coming here. Please." Ressler squeezed her hand reassuringly and got up and went back to Samar.

"I'm going to stay with her and make sure there's no sign of Agnes. We'll fly back in the morning. You can go back tonight if you want."

Samar glared at him for a moment before responding. "Fine. I'll head back and fill Cooper in and tell him you'll be back first thing." She hesitated for a moment as her eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. "You're still fooling yourself," she said icily. And with that, she turned and stalked out of the house to a waiting SUV. Just then, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he pressed the button to answer the call.

"Ressler," he answered wearily.

"It's me, Tom," a familiar voice said. "I heard you got Liz. Can I talk to her?" Ressler clenched his jaw but passed the phone silently to Liz and stepped outside to give her some privacy. _Now is not the time_ , he repeated to himself.

Sooner than he expected, Liz joined him on the front porch and handed him back his phone, rubbing her arms against the sudden chill. The temperature had dropped significantly over the course of the afternoon.

"Any news?" he asked.

Liz shook her head. "No. Tom caught up to Reddington and they tracked the guy who took Agnes as far as Texas, but he didn't have her anymore. The only information they provided led him here." She rubbed her arms harder, hugging herself against the cold.

"Reddington and Tom together, huh?" he said wryly. "Wonder how _that's_ going." _Tom's lucky he's alive_ , he thought to himself. He really wasn't sure what Reddington was capable of at this point.

"Yeah, me too," Liz said with a sigh. "I just wish I knew..." Her voice trailed off as she stared out into the woods surrounding the property.

He waited for her to continue, but she remained silent. "You wish you knew... _what_?" he asked, finally.

"I wish I knew who to believe," she replied slowly. "Reddington has told me for years that my father's dead. And now I have this man, Kirk, telling me he's my father and he's very much alive and Reddington has been lying to me all this time. And the fact that I remember my mother when I am here in this house - maybe he is telling the truth? But Tom - back when I shot him? He said my father's alive. How did he know that? Did he know about Kirk?" She sank onto the nearby wicker settee and buried her face in her hands. "I thought Tom and I were past this, and that there were no more secrets between us, but I just don't know if I can trust either of them right now."

Ressler sat on the settee next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close against him. "We're gonna find out, I promise you. I'm gonna help you. You can trust _me_." He pulled back and cupped her cheek with his hand. " _Please_ , Liz. Trust me this time, ok? I want to help."

Liz looked up at him, her eyes glistening. "I know. I will. Right now I feel like you're the _only_ one I can trust. Samar won't even look at me. Do Cooper and Aram hate me too?"

"Nobody hates you, Liz," he replied, rubbing his hand up and down her arm absently. He could feel the goosebumps on her bare skin. "Even Samar - she doesn't hate you - she's just hurt. She feels betrayed and you know what? Coming from where she comes from - I get that too. You guys will work it out. Cooper's just worried about bringing you back safe. And Aram's gonna be beside himself to see you in the flesh, no matter what he says" he chuckled.

Liz brushed her hands over her eyes. "I really don't deserve you guys," she said softly. "Especially you." Ressler squeezed her a little tighter and they sat together for a while as the evening shadows lengthened.

Finally, he got up and glanced at his watch again. "You look exhausted and we need to get something to eat. How about I take you back into town, we'll get settled somewhere for the night and if there's nothing further on Agnes, we'll fly back to D.C. first thing in the morning?" Liz nodded, wearily.

"Do you have clothes - things - we can bring?" he asked. Liz nodded again.

"Yes. Kirk had a bag of clothes brought here for me. It's upstairs."

Ressler followed her upstairs to a spacious bedroom and watched from the doorway as she picked up a small suitcase. "Let me grab a sweater, it's cold out," she said as she set the bag down on the bed and unzipped it. She reached in and suddenly froze with her hand in the bag.

"What is it?" he asked, concerned, instinctively putting his hand on his weapon as he moved closer.

Liz pulled out a tiny white infant sweater and sank down on to the bed, tears flowing freely down her cheeks once more.

"I'm sorry," she said in a choked voice. "I just - I just need to see my baby again." She looked up at him and the raw pain on her face was agonizing.

Ressler stood in front of her and grasped both of her hands in his. "We are _going_ to find her. I promise," he said firmly. She looked up and gave him a watery smile.

"I hope you're right." she said sadly.

"I _know_ I'm right," he said with as much certainty as he could muster. "Now come on - you need to eat and get some rest." He grabbed her suitcase and she followed him out to the waiting SUV. He couldn't help but notice that she turned and gave the house a long look before climbing into the car.

When they arrived at the hotel, Ressler escorted her up to her room. "We've cleared the whole floor," he said. "Just to be safe. I'm gonna go check with in Cooper but I'll be back. Figure out what you want to eat and we can order something up. I'll be right outside if you need anything."

"Thank you," she whispered, touching her fingers lightly on his cheek before she disappeared into the room.

Twenty minutes later, he knocked at the door. Liz opened it and beckoned for him to come in. The room had a small sitting area with a separate bedroom just beyond.

"I didn't know what you wanted, so I ordered you a burger. I can change it if you want..." she said hesitantly.

"Burger's great, thanks." She knew what he liked. They'd eaten plenty a late night dinner in their shared office. He sat down on the couch and loosened his tie. "Cooper's caught up. Says I should take you home first in the morning, let you catch up with Tom and then he'll have you come by the Post Office in the afternoon."

Liz blinked rapidly. "I'm embarrassed to ask this but, where's home now?" The pain and confusion on her face was palpable.

He gave her a wry smile because he had the feeling the answer was not going to be what she wanted. "I only have an address from Reddington," he said, "but Tom's there," he added quickly hoping to reduce the sting.

Liz nodded. "Thank you," she said again, softly. "I know how...confused and hurt you must feel by what I did. And you're being so kind to me, I just -" her voice trailed off and he could see unshed tears glistening in her eyes again as she turned her head away.

Ressler sighed. _Might as well get it over with_. "Liz - I can't speak for the others and I'm not sure they feel the same but - I _get_ it. I mean, I was as shocked as anyone when I heard what you did, and I was upset and angry and all that, but after I had time to think about it, I _get_ why you did what you did. You were trying to protect your daughter. I can't be angry about that. I saw the footage of that last chase. You never a chance. And never mind all the crazy stuff you have to deal with with Reddington - never knowing what's true or not - it's enough to make anybody do something desperate. I meant what I said earlier - I'm just glad you're safe."

Liz's lower lip trembled. "You're a good friend. I really missed you..." And with that, the tears flowed freely down her cheeks once more. Ressler crossed the room to her in three steps and once more pulled her into his arms.

"I really missed you too," he said gently as he breathed in the familiar scent of her hair and felt a lump rise in his own throat.

A knock on the door announced the arrival of dinner and Ressler went to answer the door as Liz wiped her eyes and tried to collect herself once more.

As they ate, Liz filled him in on the details of her kidnapping and escape and Ressler filled her in on the events that had followed her apparent death. He wished he could un-hear her description of how she brought the seaplane down because he was quite certain it would give him nightmares if he thought about it long enough. He was just glad he was hearing it from her and not some police report after the fact. Liz looked equally horrified as he filled her in on the events that had followed the birth of Agnes.

"Reddington was going to _kill_ Kirk?" Liz exclaimed when Ressler described their stand-off at the courthouse. "And you were going to _let_ him?" Ressler winced uncomfortably under her piercing stare.

"Sure looked that way to me," he replied. "And you gotta understand - I was in a bad place, Liz... I thought you had been murdered!" he added, exasperated.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm really in no position to judge what anyone does right now." She shook her head. "So who's telling the truth - Reddington? Or Kirk?"

"I wish I knew," he replied, licking his lips. He had found himself warming to Reddington in the weeks immediately following Liz's apparent death. Sympathizing with the man, certainly. With Tom, even. But now? This new information about Kirk and his claims had only renewed all of his old suspicions. _About both of them_.

Finally, he got up and stretched. He could see the exhaustion on her face. "It's late. You should get some sleep. I'll be right outside."

Liz followed him to the door, confused. "You're not going to sleep yourself?"

"No," he replied, grabbing his jacket. "I'm not taking any chances tonight on Kirk trying anything to get you back. I'm gonna sit right outside your door." They stared at each other for a minute, each remembering the last time he had pulled an overnight vigil to protect her.

Liz smiled at him sadly. "Thank you," she said softly and she leaned in and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Whatever else may happen, I'm glad I have you back in my life again."

_Me too_ , he thought as he settled himself on the chair in the hallway, guarding her once more. _Me too_.


	3. Dawn

Liz closed her laptop and rubbed her hand across her eyes wearily. She'd been staring at the screen for hours, slowly translating more of more of her mother's journal. The characters on the screen were starting to blur together, a sure sign that it was time to give up for the night. She looked at her watch and groaned. 4 a.m. She'd been so absorbed in her project that she'd completely lost track of the time. She looked over at Tom, sprawled on his back on the day bed across the room, the trundle below pulled out waiting for her. _Like a kids' sleepover_ , she thought irritably. It was bad enough being stuck in a windowless room, unable to come and go without a security escort, but they didn't even have a proper bed. She knew she should be grateful that Reddington had provided as much as he had, given the circumstances, but as the days passed, she felt her frustration rising and she knew Tom's was as well. He was like a taught wire ready to snap. Being confined in close quarters like two animals in a cage was not helping either of them.

She turned off the lamp and stretched out on the trundle, not even bothering to change her clothes. No point, really, since she'd be up again in a few hours. She closed her eyes and tried to quiet her mind, but her mother's words kept echoing in her head. In love with the man I was sent to seduce and betray. Just like Tom - or was she? She couldn't put a finger on why she suddenly felt this nagging sense of doubt. She hadn't questioned the veracity of Tom's feelings for her in a long time. But suddenly something felt...off. When Ressler had praised Tom during the operation earlier in the day she had felt a momentary rush of pride. But in retrospect, what was he really praising him for? For his skill at lying? Putting on a fake persona and convincing everyone around him that he was someone other than who he claimed to be. The same thing her mother had done? And look where that got her. Liz tossed restlessly on the thin mattress, trying to push the unwelcome thoughts from her mind. _Agnes_. Finding Agnes had to remain her focus. Everything else could wait.

But despite her best efforts, sleep would not come. The small windowless room felt like a prison. She needed to get out. She felt like she was suffocating. She got up and padded into the small bathroom and flipped on the light. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and was greeted by bloodshot eyes with dark circles underneath them. She took a quick shower and emerged to find Tom still asleep. She glanced at her watch again. 5 a.m. She paced back and forth across the small room restlessly. Finally, she reached for her phone and texted the one person she was pretty sure would be awake at that hour.

"Can you pick me up on your way to work?" she typed.

She waited a few minutes and sure enough, her phone lit up with his response. "Sure. Be there in 30." She smiled wanly and settled down on a chair to wait in the darkness.

* * *

 

Thirty minutes later, she scribbled a note for Tom explaining where she was going and quietly slipped out of the room. Baz looked up from his sentry duty outside their door. "Where are you going?" he asked, surprised.

"Ressler's picking me up," she said coolly. "I want to get an early start today."

Baz stared at her for a moment as she met his gaze defiantly, but then nodded and got up to escort her to the exterior warehouse door. Liz sighed in resignation. She knew she wasn't supposed to go anywhere on her own until Agnes was safe and Kirk was captured, but the continued policing of her every move made her want to scream.

Right on time, the familiar black Suburban pulled up in front of the warehouse and Ressler nodded to Baz as Liz climbed in.

"I grabbed a coffee for you," Ressler said as he pulled away from the curb, gesturing towards the cup holder. "Thought you might need it. This is early for you."

"Thank you," Liz said gratefully as she retrieved the steaming cup and took a sip. She leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes for a moment, savoring the warmth of the coffee and the freedom of being outdoors. She opened them again to find Ressler watching her.

"What's going on, Keen?" he asked, sounding concerned. "It's not like you to be texting me to come and get you at 5 in the morning. Where's Tom?"

"He's still asleep," Liz replied. "I couldn't sleep and I needed to get out of there. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind," he said gently. "You know I'm always up and out early."

They drove in silence through the dark city streets the rest of the way to the Post Office. Out of the corner of her eye, Liz was aware that Ressler continued to shoot her concerned glances as he drove, but he did not press her further. When they arrived at the Post Office, she followed him into what had been their shared office and sank down in her old chair at the desk across from his, her head resting on her hands.

"Ok, what's really going on, Keen?" Ressler asked, perching on the corner of the desk with his arms folded. "You look like you haven't slept at all. What's on your mind?"

Liz bit her lip and looked away. She could feel tears pricking her eyes. "I don't even know where to begin."

Ressler sighed and got up and pulled his own chair over until he was sitting facing her. He picked up one of her hands and took it between his two larger ones, rubbing it absently. "Try me," he said quietly. "There's a reason you called me to come get you at this hour. There's no one else here. Talk to me."

Liz hesitated, still unsure whether she could trust him fully. But she needed to talk to someone and Ressler had been nothing but supportive since her return. She took a deep breath and haltingly told him about the journal and its revelations.

"You think Reddington was your mother's mark?" He shook his head in disbelief.

"I know it sounds crazy, but that seems to be what it says," she replied.

"I have a hard time believing that Raymond Reddington could have been deceived like that at any point in his life," he said skeptically. "There has to be more to that story."

Liz sighed. "Maybe so. I don't know what to think. But assuming it's true... It's making me question things with Tom again." She looked down at the desk, unable to meet his eyes. "They couldn't make it. Their lives - my life - is such a mess because of it. Is this what's waiting for my daughter?"

Ressler dropped her hand and leaned back in his chair and ran his hand over his face. "Look, Liz. I'm probably the last one who should be giving you advice on Tom..."

"I know. I'm sorry," she said wearily. "And I want you to know that I appreciate you being willing to work with him yesterday... But I'm worried..." Her voice trailed off.

"Worried about what? Did you ask him about that statement he made? About your father being alive?" Ressler sat up straight.

"No," she said quietly. "Not yet. I will - but - it hasn't been the right moment yet. It's not that... It's just a feeling. A bad feeling I have that he's gonna do something. To get Agnes back. Like he's about to snap. And I'm not sure I can handle that right now. I feel like I'm going insane," she whispered. "I sit there in that windowless room and I read this journal for hours and I feel like I am seeing my mother sitting there. Am I losing my mind?" She looked at him searchingly.

"No. You're not. And you won't. You're stronger than you think, Liz," he said firmly.

"I hope you're right," she said sadly. "Because I feel like I'm about to lose it."

Ressler held her gaze for a minute and then got up and extended his hand. "C'mon," he said, pulling her up from the chair.

"Where are we going?" she asked, confused.

"You'll see," he said. She followed him across the darkened war room to the stairwell. Instead of heading down, he headed up the stairs. Confused, she followed him, her boots tapping on the metal treads. She had no idea where they were headed. When they reached the top, Ressler produced a small key and unlocked the door at the top of the stairs. As he held it open for her, a burst of wind caught her hair as she stepped out onto the roof.

"What are we...?" She turned to look at him, confused. He grabbed her elbow and gently steered her further out onto the roof.

"Turn around," he said softly. Liz complied and was greeted by a sky full of soft purples, pinks and oranges as the sun slowly rose in the distance. She could see the twinkling lights of the city and the Washington Monument in the distance, the first rays of the run illuminating its peak.

"Oh," she breathed, speechless for a moment.

"I come up here sometimes when I come in early like this," he said quietly from behind her. "It's peaceful. Makes me feel better no matter how dark the day starts off. Hopeful. I thought you could use some of that right now."

"Thank you," she whispered as she leaned back against him, feeling more at peace than she had in a long time. He wrapped one arm around hers and rested his chin on the top of her head inhaling the familiar scent of her hair. They stood like that until the sun was fully up and glistening on the surrounding rooftops.

"Ready to go back inside?" He asked her.

"No," she said with a laugh. "I could stay up here forever. But we have work to do." She followed him back down the stairs to the war room, which was just beginning to come alive with people. When they reached Ressler's office, her phone buzzed.

"It's Tom," she said apologetically.

"You take it. I've got to go talk to Cooper. Take as long as you need." Ressler left the room, closing the door behind him to give her some privacy as she pressed the button to answer the call.

After Liz had reassured Tom that she was safe and simply eager to get back to work and would catch up with him later, she pulled out some files from the box Main Justice had left with them and began to pore over the details of Kirk's life.

An hour later, Ressler returned to the office to find her asleep at the desk, her head resting on top of the Kirk files. He entered the room quietly so as not to wake her and shrugged out of his jacket, wrapping it around her shoulders like a blanket. He flipped out the light and closed the blinds so she would not be disturbed. As he headed for the door he paused and stroked her hair gently with his hand. _Hang in there, Keen_ , he whispered softly.


	4. Conflict

Ressler looked up at the clock on his office wall. 9 p.m. _Time to call it a night_. He'd spent the past few hours going over more of the evidence they had seized from Kirk's house, hoping it would yield some clue as to Kirk and Agnes's whereabouts, but so far he was coming up dry. He gathered the remnants of his dinner and swept them into the trash and shoved his laptop into his briefcase. He grabbed his keys, tossed his jacket over his arm, and flipped off the light in his office. It had been a long day, but they'd captured their target and, if Reddington was to be believed, that meant they were one step closer to finding Agnes. He hoped so, because even their success today felt far from a win with the baby still missing. As he walked out into the now silent War Room, he was surprised to see Aram still sitting at his workstation, his head bowed in his hands.

"Aram, what are you still doing here?" he asked as he crossed the room and stopped in front of Aram's desk.

"I could ask you the same thing," Aram raised his head and Ressler couldn't help but notice that his eyes looked glassy. Something was clearly wrong.

"You ok?" Ressler asked. Aram looked away and blinked rapidly.

"Not really," he replied bleakly.

Ressler hesitated. He and Aram were friends, certainly. But they didn't really have the kind of relationship that typically extended to discussing one another's problems. "You want to talk about it?" he asked finally.

Aram shook his head and waved his hand. "No, don't worry about me. It's late. You go home."

Ressler sighed. "Come on, Aram. Spill it. Is this about the op today? We did the right thing taking that chopper down..."

Aram shook his head again. "No, it's not that..." His voice trailed off.

"Problems with the girlfriend?" Ressler asked lightly.

"No, Elise is great," Aram replied. He looked down at his hands. "It's Agent Navabi. We had a fight. I said things and I slammed a door and now I..."

Ressler smiled ruefully. He was all too familiar with fighting with Samar but for Aram, this had to be new territory. Not to mention that Samar had been much more on edge than usual since Liz's return from the dead. He put his hand on Aram's shoulder. "Tell you what. Let me buy you a beer and you can tell me all about it."

Aram looked startled. "Oh...well, I don't really drink. I mean, not usually - or not often - or really, not ever. But... sure. Why not? Thank you. I'd like that."

Ressler nodded. "C'mon. Let's get out of here." Aram stood up and grabbed his jacket and followed Ressler to the elevator.

When they reached street level, Ressler said "There's a bar just down the street that isn't terrible. You good with that?"

"Sure, wherever you want. You lead," Aram replied nervously and Ressler had to refrain from laughing out loud. _Man, Navabi really rattled him_ , he thought as they walked. He couldn't wait to hear this one.

The bar was nearly empty with just a few businessmen in suits perched on stools staring at the televisions behind the bar and a small cluster of students at a booth in the back. Ressler chose a booth along the wall and slid on to the seat across from Aram. A young waitress came over and greeted them with a smile. Ressler glanced at Aram. "You want a beer? Or something else?"

Aram's eyes darted back and forth between the waitress and Ressler. "I'll have...whatever he's having" he said finally. Ressler arched an eyebrow, but ordered two beers. "Better bring him a water, too," he called after the waitress. When the beers arrived, he clinked his glass against Aram's.

"Cheers," he said. Aram hesitantly sipped the beer, but then smiled, relieved. "It's good. Or, at least, it's not bad. I like it. Good choice." Ressler nodded, amused, and leaned back in the booth and loosened his tie.

"So what's going on with Navabi? Seemed like she was jumping all over you today. What did you do?" Aram took a deep breath and explained the whole story. When he was finished, Ressler leaned forward on his elbows and stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Let me get this straight. Navabi's upset because you have a _girlfriend_? And - despite what a crazy reason that is for her to be mad at you - you feel bad because you told her you couldn't wait for her to leave after she called you out for what happened today?"

Aram shrugged. "And I slammed a door. Which I _never_ do. Look, I know it sounds crazy. I don't get it either. I mean after what you guys did how can she be mad that I'm seeing someone?"

Ressler winced. He still felt bad about that one. Not one of his finer moments. "Look, Aram..." he began.

Aram held up his hand. "No, forget that I said that. Look, I had no right to be mad about that. And, looking back, while I thought had a right to be mad about you calling Agent Navabi a bitch, I am starting to see how maybe that might have been justified under the circumstances..."

Ressler laughed. "Well, I definitely don't pretend to understand women and especially not Navabi." He clinked his glass once more against Aram's. "There was a time I thought you and her might be a thing," he continued. "But now? I mean after all this time and nothing's happened, I would not have expected her to get all bent out of shape about you moving on to someone else. I mean, she had to have known how you felt about her, right? It was obvious. But she did nothing about it?"

Aram smiled sadly. "I guess that's what's bothering me. Maybe she _didn't_ know. Maybe it _wasn't_ obvious. Maybe I should have done what Tom said and told her before it was too late..."

"I don't know if I'd be taking relationship advice from Tom Keen, but who am I to say," Ressler replied, taking a long sip of his beer.

"I mean, did Agent Keen know?" Aram asked hesitantly.

"Did Keen know what?" Ressler replied, taking another long sip of his beer.

Aram paused for a moment as if weighing whether to continue. "Did Agent Keen know how you felt about her before she went back to Tom?" he asked finally.

Ressler nearly choked on his beer. He stared at Aram speechlessly as he felt his face flush. Just then, his phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it gratefully.

"Ressler," he said.

"It's Tom. Do you know where Liz is?" Ressler could hear the anxiety in the man's voice.

"No, I don't where she is. I thought she was with you. She went home hours ago," he replied. Across from him, Aram looked concerned as he realized who he was talking about.

"She was with me. We had a fight. She left and she's not answering her phone. I hope she's with Reddington, but I need to know that she's safe. Can you call her, please? She might pick up for you." Tom replied in a clipped tone.

Ressler sighed. "Yeah, I'll try her and I'll call you back either way. Give me a minute." He hung up the phone and glanced at Aram.

"Apparently you and Navabi are not the only ones fighting tonight," he said grimly. "That was Tom. I gotta call Liz and see if she's with Reddington."

"Of course," Aram said anxiously. "I hope she is. I hope she's ok."

"Me too," Ressler replied as he dialed Liz's number. He was grateful when she answered on the second ring.

"Hey," she said softly. "Now's not really a good time. I'm with Reddington."

"Well that's what I needed to know," Ressler replied. "Tom called me. He was worried. Wanted to know if I knew where you were."

"Yeah...it's a long story," she replied with a sigh. "Can I call you back in a little bit?"

"Yeah, sure," Ressler said. "I'll let him know you're safe." He hung up the phone and looked at Aram. "She's ok. I just gotta call Tom back and let him know that." Aram nodded, relieved, as Ressler punched the number for Tom's cell and filled him in.

"Thanks, man," Tom replied. "I really appreciate it. How did she sound? Did it sound like she's gonna come home tonight?"

Ressler rubbed a hand across his face. He had promised himself that he would tolerate Tom Keen for Liz's sake but the man was testing his patience.

"I have no idea," Ressler said tightly, "because I don't know what happened. I don't know what you did that made her leave in the first place. Look, if you hurt her.." He could feel his anger rising, remembering Tom's past misdeeds. Aram's eyes grew wider as he listened.

"I didn't touch her if that's what you're asking. I would never do that again. That wasn't the real me." Tom replied angrily.

"Good," Ressler said coldly. "But whatever you did...if you hurt her..." He pursed his lips, fuming quietly as he let the implied threat hang in the silence. "Look, she's safe with Reddington, whatever else is going on," he said finally. "The rest is your problem." He hung up the phone and looked at Aram. "What a crazy day," he said, shaking his head. "We better pay and go back and pick up the car in case Liz needs anything tonight."

Aram nodded and Ressler flagged down the waitress and settled their tab. They walked back to the Post Office garage in silence. When they reached their vehicles, Aram turned to Ressler and said "Thank you for listening tonight. I really appreciate it. Good luck with Liz."

"Thanks," Ressler replied. Aram started to walk away but stopped and turned with his hands in his pockets. "I hope someday you get to tell her. Liz, I mean. How you feel. I hope you get that chance. She deserves better than she's got." He turned and continued towards his own car as Ressler stared at his retreating back, speechless once more.

As he pulled out of the parking lot, his phone buzzed again.

"Ressler," he answered.

"Hey, it's me," Liz replied. "Sorry about that."

"Where are you? Are you ok?" he asked. "Tom said you guys had a fight."

"I'm in the car with Dembe," she replied. "He's supposed to take me home. Which is kind of the last place I want to be right now."

"Hey I'm in the car right now. You want me to come get you? Meet you somewhere? Just ask, Liz. I'll do whatever you want," he replied.

Liz was silent for a minute, thinking. "Yeah, would you?" she said finally.

"Tell me where and when and I'll be there."

"Hold on," she said. He could barely make out snippets of a muffled conversation between her and Dembe. "We're not far from your place," she replied when she came back on the line. "Can I just meet you there?"

"Sure, see you soon," he replied as he hung up the phone. As he drove the remaining blocks to his apartment his mind was whirling. Whatever had happened between her and Tom, it sounded serious.

Red's Mercedes was waiting when he pulled into the parking garage of his building and Liz climbed out of the back seat when she saw him. Ressler walked up to Dembe's window. "I'll drive her home later. You go ahead." Dembe nodded and they watched as the Mercedes glided slowly out of the garage.

Liz was quiet as they headed up to his apartment and he unlocked the door. She stood in the middle of his living room looking around as he shed his jacket and tie. "I haven't been here in while," she said, smiling sadly at him. Ressler smiled back at her, remembering another night long ago where she had shown up at his door after a fight with Tom.

"You want anything?" he asked to lighten the mood.

"No, thank you," she replied as she sank down on to the couch. Ressler came and sat next to her, his hands on his knees.

"What happened?" he asked gently.

Liz slowly filled him in on the details of Kirk's video link and Tom's botched attempt at tracing the link against her wishes. When she was finished, Ressler shook his head.

"So he lied to you, again, after everything."

Liz closed her eyes. "Yes. I thought I could trust him but he fooled me... again," her voice cracked slightly. "No wonder he has no respect for my profiling skills. Apparently, I suck," she buried her face in her hands as Ressler wrapped an arm around her shoulders and rubbed her arm.

"Don't say that. Don't you blame yourself. This is his fault, not yours. Look at me, Liz." Liz looked up at him, her eyes sparkling with tears.

"This is not your fault," he repeated. "He should have trusted you. You trusted him the other day when we were on the roof and it worked. If he had a problem with what you wanted him to do - or not do - he should have told you."

Liz shook her head. "You told me years ago you placed no stock in profiling."

"Yeah, and I was wrong," he said firmly. "All these years - seeing what you've done on our cases - I trust your judgment."

"I thought you'd be mad that I didn't tell you about the link," she said softly.

"Not mad, Liz..." He ran his hand through his hair. "I mean, don't get me wrong. I wish you had felt you could trust me with that but - she's your child. I get why you didn't."

"Thank you," Liz replied softly. "I feel like I talk to Tom and I talk to Reddington and I start to doubt myself, you know? I start to feel like they just each want to do their thing and leave me out of it."

"We're all working towards the same goal, Liz. We need to be a team. Now's not the time for solo ops," he replied, shaking his head.

"I agree," she said as she leaned in and rested her head against him. Finally, she sat up and yawned. Ressler stood up and stretched and glanced at his watch. It was nearly midnight.

"Want me take you home?" he asked. "You're also welcome to stay," he added quickly, and as he met her eyes, he knew they were both thinking of that other night where she had done exactly that.

She gazed at him silently. "I should go home," she said finally. "Avoiding the problem isn't going to get me any closer to finding Agnes." Ressler nodded and grabbed his keys.

"Let's go," he said extending his hand to pull her up off the couch. They drove back to the safe house in silence through the dark and quiet city streets. When they pulled up in front of the warehouse, one of Red's men approached the car.

"I'll be right there," Liz said, waving him off. She turned to Ressler and took his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you for tonight," she whispered and to his surprise, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before turning and climbing out of the car.

He rolled down the window. "Liz," he called out as she reached the warehouse door. She turned and looked back at him. "Want me to pick you up on my way in, in the morning?" he asked. She flashed him a broad smile. "Yes, I'd like that. Coffee's on me this time, though."

"Deal," he replied with a chuckle and he closed the window and pulled away from the curb.

As he drove back to his apartment, his thoughts returned to Aram's comment from earlier that night that had caught him so off guard. _Did Agent Keen know how you felt about her before she went back to Tom?_ He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. She _had_ to have known, right? It certainly seemed obvious enough to Samar and Aram. _But you never told her, did you?_ the nagging voice in his head repeated. He'd wanted to. Hell, he'd _planned_ to before he'd heard that she was pregnant. He shook his head. No point in thinking about it now. He had to stay focused on the mission of reuniting Liz and her child. _One fight does not end a marriage, or a quasi-marriage or whatever the hell they have_ , he reminded himself. But he couldn't help but smile as he recalled the gentle brush of her lips on his cheek. Tomorrow was another day.


	5. Tests

"Hey, you're back. How did it go? What did Reddington say about the DNA results?" Tom asked as Liz put her purse down on the counter and tossed her jacket on top of it. He was stretched out on the bed reading more of the file he had received from the Russian attaché.

"Nothing. He said nothing. What did you expect?" Liz replied irritably. "He's never going to tell me the truth about anything. All of it - the past few years - nothing but lies." She paced in front of Tom restlessly. On the ride home from her meeting with Reddington at the church she had resolved finally to ask Tom the question that had been lingering in her mind for weeks. "I need _you_ to be honest with me about something, though." She stopped in front of him with her arms folded.

Tom closed the file and sat up and looked at her guardedly. "I told you on our wedding day, no more lies. What do you want to know, Liz?"

Liz took a deep breath and looked at Tom piercingly. "I need to know why you told me two years ago that my father was alive. Did you know about Kirk? Did you know he was my father before you got that file?"

Liz saw Tom's eye twitch almost imperceptibly but he did not look away. "I never said that, Liz," he replied slowly, "when do you think I said that?"

Liz stared at him in disbelief. "When I shot you!" she exclaimed furiously, her voice rising. "That day with Reddington and the guy who was supposed to be Berlin but wasn't. You whispered to me that my father was alive! Don't pretend that you didn't say it!"

Tom shook his head. "Liz, calm down. I really - I really don't remember much of anything after you shot me other than waking up chained in that ship. I'm sorry, I just don't. But the answer is - I don't know why I would have said that because I didn't know." He smiled at her sadly which only enraged her more. _All these years, all these promises and he's still lying to me_ , she thought.

"I see," she replied tightly.

"You don't believe me," Tom said.

"Do you blame me, Tom?" she spat, "I mean, you don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to honesty!"

Tom stood up and put his hands on her shoulders. She instinctively recoiled from his touch and he dropped his hands to his side. "I'm not lying, Liz. Look, you're tired. You're not thinking clearly. Let's have some dinner, relax..." He said soothingly, reaching for her again.

Liz backed away, her hands clenched into fists. "No! I am not going to let you do this to me again! I am not going to let you make me think that I'm crazy! I know what I heard!"

"Liz...you know what you _think_ you heard. Look - if I said something like that and - like I said, I can't remember and I really don't think I did - it was probably because I wanted you to save me. Nothing more." Tom looked at her pleadingly. "I didn't know anything about Kirk, Liz. I'm not lying. Come on, let's not fight with each other..." He took another step towards her, his hand outstretched.

Liz took a step back. "No. Don't touch me." She whirled and grabbed her purse and jacket again and stormed out the door and right past the startled guard. Ignoring Tom's calls and the guard's shouts of protest, she ran out of the warehouse and kept running down the block and around the corner slowing only when she was sure that neither Tom nor the guard was following her. She stopped and leaned against a doorway and pressed her fingers to her eyes. _Reddington. Tom. Both liars. My_ _life is falling apart_ , she thought. _I can't trust either of them_. Blinking rapidly, she resumed walking at a brisk pace through the darkening streets.

As she walked, a soft patter of rain gradually intensified into a deluge. There was no real shelter anywhere nearby that she could see and she shivered as the pounding rain soaked her hair and clothes, mixing with the tears streaking down her cheeks. Finally, in the distance she saw the outline of a cab and waved her arm until it stopped. "Where to, miss?" The driver asked. Liz hesitated for a moment, weighing whether to give up and just go home to Tom. "Where to?" The driver repeated. Liz gave the driver an address and leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes. She didn't want to be near Tom or Reddington for the moment.

Fifteen minutes later, she stepped out of the cab at Ressler's building and glanced hopefully up at the window of his apartment. She was relieved to see the lights were on. She quickly ducked into the entryway to get out of the rain and pressed the button for the elevator. When she reached his door, she hesitated. _It's Friday night. What if he has plans? What if he has someone here_? she thought as her finger hovered over the bell. She shivered again. She was soaked to the skin. She really needed to warm up a bit before she could face going back out to find another cab. She took a deep breath and pressed the button and was relieved to hear his footsteps approaching.

The door swung open and he was clearly surprised to see her dripping on the doormat. "Liz, what's going on? What are you doing here?" He stepped back to allow her past him into the apartment. "What happened?" he asked, concern etched on his face. Liz briefly filled him in on her conversations with both Red and Tom. When she was finished, Ressler shook his head in disbelief.

"I'm sorry Liz. Unbelievable. The both of them. Hell, all three of them. Kirk, Reddington and Tom." He took in her sodden appearance. "You're soaked. Let me get you something to put on and we'll throw your clothes in the dryer."

Liz shook her head. "No, it's ok. I don't mean to intrude on your Friday night...I just needed to talk to someone. I should go..."

Ressler put his hand on her shoulder reassuringly. "Liz I have no plans. Stay. It's fine. I'll be right back." He headed into the bedroom and grabbed the smallest t-shirt and sweat shirt he could find and a pair of flannel pajama pants and brought them out to her with a towel.

"Here. Get changed out of those wet clothes. Did you eat?" Liz shook her head. "Me either," he continued. "I'll make us something." He pointed towards the bathroom.

Liz headed into the bathroom and peeled off her soaked jeans and shirt. Even her underwear was soaked so she took that off too and slipped gratefully into the dry clothes. The pants were too big but she rolled the waist enough that they wouldn't slip off. She toweled off her hair as best she could so at least it wasn't dripping. When she emerged, Ressler gestured towards a nearby closet. "Dryer's in there." Liz tossed her clothes into the dryer and followed him into the kitchen. He slid a steaming mug across the counter towards her. "Thought some tea might help warm you up."

"Thanks," she replied gratefully as she wrapped her hands around the mug and settled onto a stool.

"Spaghetti good?" He asked, peering in the cabinets. "I'm rarely home to eat these days so I don't have a lot in the house," he said apologetically.

"Spaghetti's perfect," she said. She watched him as he moved efficiently around the kitchen. The tea was soothing and she felt the tension leave her body as she watched him. _Such a kind, decent man_ , she thought. _Honest. Dependable. Exactly the opposite of Tom and Reddington_.

Ressler's phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket and shook his head. "Nick's Pizza wants to know where you are," he said rolling his eyes as he showed her the screen. "What do you want me to say?"

Liz shook her head. "I cannot stand living my life under surveillance. This has to stop." She reached into her purse and glanced at her own phone, which was lit up with missed texts. Mainly from Tom, but the last few were from Reddington. Clearly Tom had reached out to him when she failed to answer her phone.

Ressler looked at her sympathetically. "It will. When Agnes is found and Kirk is caught. It will stop."

"I wish I were as sure as you," Liz replied sadly. "I guess you better tell them where I am or they'll be beating down your door anyway."

Ressler nodded and tapped a short message back. "She's with me. Offering an ear and a couch if necessary."

Within seconds, Ressler's phone buzzed again. "Thank you, Donald. Enjoy your evening."

"So let's assume Tom _is_ hiding something," Ressler said as slid his phone back in his pocket and leaned against the counter. "Why would he do that now? Kirk has his daughter?"

Liz shook her head. "I don't know. That's the problem. It doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe he heard something about your father but never made the connection to Kirk?" Ressler replied. "I mean, you know I don't like the guy but from what I've seen, he seems determined to find Kirk and get Agnes back."

Liz sighed. "Yes, I know. I'm probably making more of this than I should. It's just...the life I thought I was going to have...the life I was _trying_ to have by running away with him? I don't think it's ever going to happen. Even if we get Agnes back. I thought I could trust him but now...with everything that's happened these last few weeks? I'm not so sure."

"Don't say if, Liz. When. When you get Agnes back. We are going to find her," Ressler said firmly, "and then you can figure out what kind of life you want to have...and with who," he added as he turned back to stirring the sauce.

_And with who_ , she thought. _That's the million dollar question, right?_ "I thought Tom could get me away from Reddington and this crazy life," she said with a sigh. "I'm starting to realize that's never gonna happen. I think I'm stuck in this world for better or for worse. Anyway, enough about me and my problems," she continued. "Why _don't_ you have plans on a Friday night? I would think the ladies would be beating down your door."

Ressler turned from the stove and arched an eyebrow as he laughed. "The only lady beating on my door tonight is you, Keen. Now Aram on the other hand..."

Liz smiled. "I heard he has a new girlfriend. That's great. I'm so happy for him. But don't change the subject...what about you? No one special?"

Ressler squared his shoulders at the stove but did not turn around. "No," he said simply. But she could tell from his tone and body language there was more to it than that and she immediately felt guilty for prying. There was a time when she thought they had known nearly everything about each other's lives. It was evident now that the months of distance had taken a deeper toll on their friendship than she had realized and she decided to return to safer topics.

"I always thought Aram and Samar would be a thing," she mused as Ressler spooned pasta onto their plates.

Ressler shrugged. "Me too. Not sure what's going on there," he replied. "You want wine with that?" he asked, gesturing towards her plate.

"Sure," she replied. "Why not." Ressler grabbed two glasses and poured them each a generous amount.

"Cheers," he said with a smile.

"Cheers," she replied. "Now fill me in on everything I've been missing. Who is Aram seeing..?"

As they ate, Ressler filled her in on what he knew of Aram's new girlfriend and her call to Samar for advice on the perfect date. By the end of the meal, Liz had tears of laughter streaming down her face. "Oh my gosh, I would love to have seen the look on Samar's face when she got that call. What was that girl thinking?"

Ressler shook his head. "Bizarre, right?" He gestured towards Liz's nearly empty wine glass. "You want more?"

"Sure," she replied, already enjoying the feeling of a slight buzz. It felt so good to laugh. Laughter was so rare for her these days. Ressler cleaned up the dishes and she followed him back into the living room and settled down on the couch with a sigh. Ressler sat down next to her and draped his arm over the back of the couch behind her as they sipped their wine. After a while, she glanced at her watch. "My clothes are probably dry. And I know I'm acting childish. But honestly, I don't want to go back there tonight," she said softly.

"You don't have to," he replied firmly. "You can stay. I'll take the couch."

She shook her head. "I can't ask you to do that. I've taken up enough of your time. I'm not going to kick you out of your bed. I'm being ridiculous." She put her wine glass down on the coffee table and started to move to get up.

"Liz, when are you going to figure out that you being here is not a burden to me?" He put his hand on her arm and looked up at her and something indefinable in his eyes made her heart skip a beat. He leaned a little closer to her and Liz suddenly thought he might kiss her. She held his gaze breathlessly, half wanting him to, half terrified that he would. Instead, he reached out his other hand and cupped her cheek for a moment and rubbed it with his thumb and then just as suddenly, pulled his hands away and sat back.

"I'll be right back," she stammered as she got up and made her way into the bathroom. She closed the door and leaned again it, her heart pounding. _What just happened?_ she thought. _You wanted him to kiss you, that's what. Must be the wine. What's wrong with you?_ She shook her head.

When she came out, Ressler was standing staring out the window, arms folded. "I can drive you home if you want, or you can stay. It's up to you," he said as he turned to face her, his face now a carefully blank mask.

Liz knew she should go. She knew should go home and face Tom and resolve their argument. But she didn't want to. She wanted to stay and bask in this feeling of...whatever this was just a little bit longer. Resolving her internal dilemma, she crossed the room and sat back down on the couch and patted the cushion beside her. "I don't think you're going to get rid of me that easily tonight," she said lightly and her heart fluttered again as she saw his face ease into a broad grin as he sat back down next to her.

"You want to watch a movie or something?" he asked, hesitantly.

"Sure," she replied as he grabbed the remote and started clicking through the channels. As they sat, he gently pulled her feet into his lap and began rubbing them absently with his hands and Liz felt her remaining tension dissolve.

"How did you know I love foot massages?" she asked eventually. He stopped and chuckled. "Hold on," he replied. And he got up and disappeared into the bedroom. When he emerged, he placed a small wooden object on her lap. Liz sat up, startled. "My foot massager! Where did you... Did you keep this from our office?" She looked at him incredulously.

Ressler shrugged sheepishly. "I kept it after I thought you were..." his voice trailed off. "Anyway, it's yours. You should take it back." Once again, she saw something indefinable in his eyes that made her heart jump. Now it was her turn to reach out and touch his cheek lightly. "Thank you," she said simply. He nodded and resumed rubbing her feet lightly with his hands. As they watched the movie, Liz felt her eyes growing heavier and heavier. At some point, she was dimly aware of the sensation of being lifted and carried and deposited gently down onto a bed and covered with a duvet but she didn't have the energy to move, much less speak.

She woke just before dawn and found herself alone in Ressler's bed, the other side clearly untouched. She got up and quietly padded out into the living room. He was asleep on his back on the couch, one arm slung above his head. As quietly as she could, she retrieved her clothes from the dryer and slipped into the bathroom to get dressed. When she came out, the first rays of daylight were just beginning to make their way into the room. Liz quietly collected her jacket and purse and knelt down beside Ressler's sleeping form on the couch and gently smoothed his hair with her fingers so as not to wake him.

"Thank you," she whispered. Then, without really thinking about what she was doing, she leaned down and pressed her lips lightly against his before standing and hastily existing the apartment. As the apartment door clicked shut behind her, Ressler opened his eyes to the faint hint of her perfume and the feeling that he had missed something important.


	6. Trust Your Instincts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update this story! Life kind of got in the way! But I will be posting two chapters now & the next is in progress! Thank you so much to everyone who left reviews and who voted in the Blacklist Fanfiction awards on Tumblr - your support is so greatly appreciated.

"Thanks for handling Elise's arrest," Samar said as she slid into the passenger seat of the Suburban. "I don't think I could have followed protocol after what she put Aram through."

"No problem," Ressler replied. "How's Aram?"

"Shaken...talking a mile a minute.. but I think he'll be fine once he calms down," Samar replied with a sigh. "Rough night. He's staying behind to change and clean things up and he'll meet us soon."

"Yeah," Ressler agreed, shaking his head. It had been hard enough for him to listen to the interaction between Aram and Elise. He could only imagine what Samar must be feeling right now, much less Aram.

They drove in silence for several blocks before Samar shifted in her seat and turned towards him. "Can I ask you something?" she asked.

Ressler arched an eyebrow. "Sure, what?"

"Is this...is this what it was like with Liz? With Tom?" she asked hesitantly.

Ressler bit his lip, unsure how to respond. "Yeah," he said finally. "Except I didn't have to listen to it on a wire tap. I just saw the aftermath."

Samar leaned back in her seat and inhaled sharply. "I'm beginning to understand why you have such a loathing for the man."

Ressler chuckled. "Yeah. Been trying to hide that. Guess I'm not doing such a great job of it."

"No, you do a great job of putting your differences aside," Samar replied. "What I can't fathom is why she would take him back after something like this. How do you move on from that? How do you ever trust the person again?"

Ressler shrugged. "I'm the wrong person to ask. I couldn't do it. But if you figure it out, let me know."

Samar shot him a knowing look. "Yeah - I'll be sure to do that. So what now?"

"Now we go debrief Cooper and Liz and Reddington on what just happened and hopefully they've got a lead on Kirk's location," he replied, gripping the steering wheel a little harder. He wasn't about to admit it to Samar, but the whole incident with Elise had unsettled him. Part of him wished Liz had been with them to hear all of it. _Might be exactly the dose of reality she needs_ , he thought. As much as she liked to believe Tom had changed and that the past was behind them, Ressler wasn't so sure.

* * *

 

"We'll take my jet," Reddington said as their meeting at the temporary black site concluded. "We leave in an hour." Ressler watched with narrowed eyes as Liz stepped into to the hall to confer with Tom, their heads bowed together as they whispered furiously. He hadn't seen the man since Liz had stayed the night after their fight and he was really in no mood to play nice after the evening's events. Liz had not discussed the aftermath with him and he wasn't about to press. She'd talk when and if she was ready. Ressler got up and stretched. He needed to find some coffee. It was going to be a long night. Samar followed him down the hall to a pantry where he was relieved to find a simple coffee maker and supplies in the cabinets. Samar leaned in the doorway, arms folded, as he prepared the coffee. "You sure you don't want me to come with you to New York?" she asked.

Ressler shook his head. "No need. I can handle it with New York SWAT. You stay here and handle Aram and see what you can get out of Elise."

Samar chuckled softly. "I need to calm down before I can interrogate her or it won't go well for either of us." Her expression turned more serious. "Be careful, ok?"

"I will," he replied. "Thanks." She nodded and left. When the coffee was finished brewing, he poured his own cup and a second cup for Liz. He had no idea how Tom took his coffee and was not about to ask. _He can fend for himself_ , he thought.

As he returned from the kitchen with a coffee in each hand, Tom stepped away from Liz and eyed him grimly. Ressler steeled himself for the inevitable confrontation. "I'm coming with you to New York," Tom announced.

Ressler handed Liz her coffee, which she accepted with a weak smile, and shook his head as he sipped his own, "Not my call. You better talk to Reddington."

"No, Tom, you're not coming," Reddington said icily from behind him. Ressler stepped aside so Reddington and Tom were facing off directly.

"Agnes is my daughter too," Tom replied angrily. "I should be there."

"Your presence is only going to cause more harm than good," Reddington responded firmly. "My men and I will handle this with Elizabeth."

" _He's_ going." Tom jabbed a finger in Ressler's direction.

"Yes," Reddington replied cooly. "Someone needs to be there to arrest Kirk when we're finished and last I checked you, Tom, are not a cop." With that, Reddington turned and strode back down the hallway.

"Well, you heard the man," Ressler replied calmly as Tom glared at him.

"I don't like it," Tom snapped. "I don't like this at all. Liz, can't you talk some sense into him?"

Liz sighed wearily. "It'll be fine, Tom. I can handle it." From the look on Tom's face, Ressler could see that Tom was not so sure.

* * *

 

Ninety minutes later, Ressler buckled himself into the seat next to Liz on Reddington's jet and watched as the lights of DC faded below them as the plane climbed into the air. Liz was quiet, staring out into the blackness. Ressler reached out and put a hand on her knee. "You ok?" he asked gently.

Liz pursed her lips and nodded. "Just worried. So many things could go wrong. Tom was really upset Reddington wouldn't let him come and things haven't exactly been great between us anyway."

"Reddington knows what he's doing. And you - you need to trust your instincts, Liz," Ressler replied evenly. "You'll be fine and you're gonna get Agnes back tonight. You don't need Tom there."

"I hope you're right," she replied, biting her lip anxiously. "I keep running through all the what-ifs in my mind."

"Red's not gonna let anything happen to you or Agnes tonight and neither am I," he said as reassuringly as he could manage. "We're gonna get her back," he repeated. "This ends tonight."

Liz looked down at his hand on her knee and then laced her fingers through his, squeezing his hand tightly. They sat quietly like that for the rest of the short flight. As they began their descent into New York, Ressler looked up and saw Reddington watching them from the front of the plane. He held Ressler's gaze for a moment and then nodded, almost imperceptibly.

When they landed, it was time for Ressler to split off to join the FBI swat team from the New York field office. His mission was to go to the abandoned subway station and intercept anyone Kirk had hiding there while Red and Liz went to the alternate location Kirk had offered. As they descended from the plane, he took Liz by the elbow and pulled her off to the side.

"Trust your instincts," he repeated. "You're gonna be fine. I'll see you when it's all over."

Liz nodded, unable to speak, and then reached out and hugged him tightly. "Be careful," she whispered in his ear. Then, she walked over to the waiting car where Dembe was holding the door open for her.

* * *

 

Forty minutes later, Ressler was crouched in a dark abandoned subway station waiting for the SWAT team commander to give them the go-ahead. The tunnel stank like a combination of mildew, urine and just general rot. He tried to breathe shallowly to avoid the stench. He was still in the t-shirt and jeans he'd worn for the op at Aram's, something he was grateful for given the filthy environment. He winced as he heard the skitter of rat feet a little closer to his body than he would have liked. Clearly the subterranean dwellers were not pleased with their presence. His heart was pounding, as it always was before a raid or operation like this. He checked his gun once again, even though he knew every part was working. He hated waiting. _I hope Liz is ok_ , he thought. As much as he tried to push thoughts of her out of his mind, it just wasn't working. But if anyone could keep her safe, it was Reddington. _Please, let her be safe_ , he thought. _Let them get Agnes back safely._

Finally, the SWAT leader ahead of him signaled that it was time to move. Ressler took a deep breath as he saw a smoke grenade flash in front of him on the platform and moved forward, gun drawn.

In the end, it was over faster than he expected. Kirk's men were well-armed but no match for the firepower of the SWAT team. As they handcuffed the operatives and moved them to vans, he kept checking his phone but there was no word from Reddington yet. Finally, the New York SWAT commander turned to him, "We got this if you want to go. Go meet your partner. You can take the car," he said gesturing towards a nearby Suburban. Ressler accepted the keys gratefully and headed downtown to the address Reddington had given him. At least he would be nearby.

The streets got narrower and narrower and the buildings taller and taller as he drove, lights flashing, towards the Wall Street area skyscraper where Kirk had requested the meeting. As he parked the Suburban, he saw men emerging from the building. His eyes scanned the crowd, searching for only one person. Finally, he saw her step out of the lobby, a small pink bundle held tightly in her arms. Relief flooded over him and a smile tugged at his lips as he watched her. As she reached the sidewalk, she looked up and saw him and the relief on her own face matched his own. He jogged over to her.

"You both ok?" He asked as he peeled back the edge of the blanket to see Agnes's sleeping face.

Liz nodded. "We're fine. Reddington has Kirk. I think he's ready to hand him over to you."

"I'm gonna see to his transport personally. You just worry about Agnes. I'll see you back in D.C." He brushed his finger over the infant's soft cheek and then, almost without thinking, reached up and did the same to Liz. He held her gaze for a moment before he turned and headed over to Reddington, his heart full. They had accomplished their mission. Tonight was a win, for sure.


	7. The Truth Hurts

"Hey, I'm getting ready to head out. How about you?" Ressler looked up to see Samar leaning in the doorway of his office. He glanced at the clock. It was only 3 pm, but Cooper had announced that the Post Office would close early since it was the Friday before Christmas.

"Nah, not yet," he shrugged. "I've got some stuff to finish up." Samar raised an eyebrow skeptically. Their work load had quieted down to virtually nil in the weeks since Alexander Kirk had escaped. Reddington hadn't offered up a new case and they all assumed he was giving Liz time and space with Agnes. As a result, there really wasn't anything pressing for them to do and Samar knew that as well as he did.

"Have you heard from Liz recently?" Samar asked quietly. Ressler looked at her and then looked away.

"No," he replied flatly.

Samar flashed him a sympathetic look. "Why don't you let me buy you a drink. Start off the holidays."

Ressler hesitated. The suggestion was tempting, but he really did have plans for the evening and knocking back a few drinks ahead of time would probably not be his smartest move.

"Thanks," he replied with a slight smile, "but I gotta take a rain check. I really do have stuff I gotta do."

"Ok," Samar replied, "but give yourself a break next week. Nothing wrong with taking time off."

"I know. I will," he replied, trying to sound convincing. Samar clearly wasn't buying it though. She glanced over her shoulder and then stepped into the office and closed the door behind her. Ressler groaned inwardly. He wasn't in the mood to answer probing questions.

"I'm serious, Ressler, take some time off. Go travel, do something. Get away from this place and clear your head. I plan to."

Ressler closed his eyes to avoid meeting Samar's concerned gaze. Finally, he exhaled and sat up, "I'm gonna take a few days, maybe go to my cabin, get out of the city. Don't worry about me."

"I do worry, though," Samar replied softly. "I worry that you're letting this job - and Liz - consume you. You need a life outside work, Ressler. She has one. You need one too."

"I know, Navabi," he replied tightly. "And I have one. Relax. I'm fine."

Samar pursed her lips. "Ok, if you say so." She turned back to the door and rested her hand on the knob. "If I don't see you, Happy New Year."

"You too, thanks," he replied.

When he was alone once more, he leaned back in his chair and pressed his fingers against his temples. She was right. He _did_ let the job consume him more than he should. And Liz. He had not spoken to Liz in weeks. Not since the day Kirk had escaped for good. Presumably she was enjoying her time with Agnes - and Tom. _As she should_. But, rightly or wrongly, he couldn't help feeling a little bit hurt that, after everything, she couldn't even pick up the phone and check in once in a while. Cooper seemed to think that Liz would continue working with Reddington and the Task Force despite the baby, but until Reddington actually gave them a new case, that theory remained untested. The longer the silence continued, the less sure he was that Cooper was right. He'd lied to Navabi about his plans to take time off for the holidays but maybe she was right. Maybe he _should_ take a few days, go to the cabin, and get away from it all. He shook his head and turned back to his computer screen.

As he did, he heard footsteps approaching. "You forget something, Navabi?" he asked as he looked up, expecting to see Samar in the doorway once more. Instead he saw Liz standing there, a shopping bag in her hand.

"Hey," he said, surprised, "what are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd come in and and wish everyone a Merry Christmas, but where is everybody? It's like a ghost town out there," she replied, gesturing towards the War Room.

Ressler shrugged, "I think everybody headed out. Cooper let them go early for the holidays... Not like we've had a lot going on," he added, trying to conceal the irritatation in his tone.

Liz unwrapped her scarf and took off her coat and draped it on the back of the chair. "But you're still here," she said gently.

"True enough," he replied with a sigh. "I won't be for long though - I gotta be somewhere in a little bit."

"Well, at least I get to give you your Christmas present, even if I've missed the others." Liz reached into the shopping bag and pulled out a long flat box and handed it to him across the desk.

"You didn't need to get me anything, Keen," he said as he slid off the ribbon.

"I know, but I wanted to. Least I could do after all you guys did for me." Ressler glanced at her across the desk. He wanted to say, _you could have called. That would have meant more_. But he restrained himself.

Ressler opened the box and inside was a soft dark blue scarf and a smaller wrapped package. "This is nice, Keen, thanks" he said as he fingered the scarf.

"I figured you could use a new one with the cold weather coming. And the blue brings out your eyes."

He chuckled. "So I'll look good _and_ be warm?"

"That was the idea," she said with a laugh.

Ressler unwrapped the smaller package. Inside was a picture of himself holding Agnes at her baptism. He stared at it for a moment and then looked up and smiled, "This is nice too, Keen. How's she doing?"

"She's great, thanks. Getting so big. I feel like I missed so much, but she seems blissfully unaware."

Ressler stared again at the picture of himself holding Agnes. That day was the first and last time he'd held her. And as much as the memory of that day was pleasant, it had been marred afterwards by the knowledge that all of Tom's platitudes had been nothing but lies.

As if she were reading his mind, Liz cleared her throat. "I know that you feel lied to and betrayed by everything that happened and rightfully so. But I want you to know that Tom wasn't lying when he told you all that day how much you mean to Agnes, to us, to me..." Her voice trailed off.

Ressler met her gaze and could see her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. He nodded, wordlessly and then smiled down at the picture. "She looks like you."

"I'll have to bring her in one day so you all can see her in person again," Liz said as she settled herself down in her desk chair. "I've been wanting to but...I guess we just have a lot to figure out right now."

Ressler watched her rock the chair absently from side to side. "I guess you do. You heard from Reddington recently?" he asked.

Liz shook her head. "He came by to see us after Kirk let him go, but that was the last time I saw him."

"He's probably giving you some space so you can figure out what you're gonna do. What _are_ you going to do, anyway?"

Liz shook her head. "I don't know. Tom still wants us to go away. Obviously with Reddington's knowledge this time. But I don't think that's such a good idea anymore. And I don't want to leave all of you again."

Ressler clenched and unclenched his hand under the desk, trying to temper his feelings. Of course Tom would want them to go away again. All he ever wanted was to pull Liz away from Reddington - and the FBI.

"How are things with Tom?" he asked cautiously, wary of touching the most sensitive topic.

Liz exhaled loudly. "Not great," she said sadly. "We've still got a lot of trust issues going on. I'm trying to work through them for Agnes's sake. She deserves to have both her parents after all of this."

Ressler licked his lips and looked down at his desk. It wasn't his place to argue with that, no matter what his personal feelings might be.

"He told me something when I was at the hospital with Kirk, though," Liz continued, "and I don't know quite what to think about it."

"What's that?" Ressler asked, grateful for the diversion.

"He told me he met his mother while I was in Cuba. His actual biological mother. But he doesn't want to talk about her or have anything to do with her. Every time I try to bring it up, he shuts down the conversation."

Ressler frowned. "With all the running around we were all doing trying to find Kirk, it's hard to believe he would have had time to find her, much less meet her. Has he told you anything about her? Her name?"

Liz shook her head. "He told me her name is Susan Hargrave. That's all I know. I looked her up online but it's a common enough name. I'm not even sure I'm looking up the right Susan Hargrave."

Ressler felt an icy chill down his spine and he sat up straight in his chair. "Are you _sure_ that's the name he said? Susan Hargrave?"

Liz nodded and furrowed her brow. "Ressler, you look like you've seen a ghost. What do you know about her?"

Ressler swallowed hard before responding. "I know she's the head of a private company - Halycon - that does off-book work for the government and private clients. Like mercenaries. She's the one Kirk hired to abduct you from your wedding. She's the one who hired Solomon to take you."

Liz gaped at him, a look of horror on her face. "Are you sure? Are you positive?"

Ressler nodded slowly. "I had to sit a room with these people, Liz. Reddington made us work with them to try to find Kirk. Nobody said anything about her being related to Tom, though."

Liz's eyes grew wider. "Does Reddington know who she is? Does he know that she's Tom's mother? Does _she_ know that she's Tom's mother?"

Ressler shook his head. "I don't know."

"My God," Liz whispered. "It just keeps getting worse. Every time I think we've reached a place where Tom and I have no more secrets, something else pops up and I'm back to square one." She buried her face in her hands.

Ressler got up and walked around the desk and put his hands on her shoulders. He could feel her shoulders quivering.

"Come here, shhhh," he said pulling her into his arms. "It's going to be ok."

Liz clung to him as he rubbed her back gently and murmured reassurances into her ear. Eventually she pulled back and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry...this was just a shock."

"I know," he said gently. "You're gonna figure it out. I'll help you any way I can."

"Thank you for being honest, at least," she replied.

Ressler glanced up at the clock. It was nearly 5 p.m. "Liz, I really hate to do this right now, but there's somewhere I gotta be that I can't cancel..."

Liz sniffed and shook her head. "Don't worry about me, Ressler, I'll be fine."

Ressler watched her, concerned. She looked far from fine. "Why don't you come with me?" he said, "might take your mind off things. Do you some good."

Liz blinked at him through her tears. "I don't want to intrude - where are you going?"

"You wouldn't be intruding at all. It's a charity thing. Come on." He extended his hand and she took it and grabbed her coat and followed him out to the car.

As they drove, Liz made an attempt to fix her makeup and make herself look more presentable. After a few minutes, Ressler pulled into the parking lot of a nearby community center. Children were entering the building, some with a parent, some with grandparents. Ressler popped the trunk, grabbed a bag of wrapped gifts and then came around to open Liz's door.

"So what's happening?" Liz asked, glancing around at the crowds entering the building.

"It's a Christmas party for this community group I volunteer with. Kids who lost a parent in the line of duty. Police, FBI, other law enforcement, military. I come here once a week when I can, shoot some hoops with the kids or do some other sort of activity. Most of them lost fathers so it's good for them - especially the boys - to have someone to talk to who gets what their parent did, why it matters." Ressler took her elbow and steered her towards the door.

As they entered the room, a young boy of about 10 broke away from his mother and hurtled towards Ressler. "Don!" He shouted. Ressler bent down and scooped up the boy. "Dylan, this is my partner, Liz. Liz, this is my partner-in-crime, Dylan." Dylan giggled as Ressler tickled his ribs.

"I'm very pleased to meet you, Dylan," Liz said with a smile as she watched them. Ressler was always so good with kids but it was evident that these two had a special bond. After a few minutes, Ressler put him down and Dylan ran back to his mom.

"What happened to his dad?" Liz asked.

"He was metro PD," Ressler replied slowly, "gunned down in the cross fire between a couple of gangs two years ago. Dylan's got a younger sister, too. Come on - let me introduce you to the rest of the kids."

For the next hour, Liz helped hand out presents and played with the children. She couldn't help but notice how much the kids seemed to love Ressler, especially the boys. It was easy to forget that Ressler had a lighter side with how buttoned up and serious he always was at work. The holiday spirit was contagious and she felt her mood lighten as the afternoon wore on. Finally, it was time to go and Ressler escorted her back out to the car. After he settled himself in the drivers' seat, Liz turned to him.

"How old were you when your dad died?" Liz asked, softly. She remembered seeing a folded flag on the bookcase in his apartment, but Ressler had never really told her much about his family.

"He was killed my senior year of high school," Ressler replied tightly. "His own partner in the Detroit PD sold him out because he wouldn't go on the take."

"That must've been so hard for you," she replied, touching his sleeve lightly. "I think it's great that you work with these kids, though."

"Well, I may have been a bit older than them, but I get where they're coming from, you know? It doesn't matter what age you are." Ressler gripped the steering wheel firmly.

"I couldn't help but notice that you introduced me to everyone as your partner... Thank you for that, even though it's not really true anymore, I guess." Liz smiled wanly. "If they only knew the truth that I let a metro PD officer get killed in front of me, that I killed the Attorney General myself,...I don't think they would have appreciated my presence."

Ressler looked at her, startled, and pulled the car to the side of the road and flipped the hazard lights on. He turned to face her, "Liz, I didn't tell them you were my partner to conceal anything. I told them that because that's how I feel. You may not have your badge anymore, but that doesn't change how I feel about working with you. And you know as well as I do that both of those incidents are different."

"Are they really?" Liz asked with a sigh. "I'm a murderer, Ressler. And so is Tom. Two murderers raising a child." Liz shook her head. "What the hell am I doing?"

Ressler put his hand on her leg. "What you're doing is trying to rebuild your life, Liz. You're trying to build a future for your daughter."

"And what if I'm doing it all wrong? What if I'm just making it worse?" Liz looked at him sadly.

"I said it before and I'll say it again, Liz. Trust your instincts," Ressler replied firmly.

"And if my instincts right now are telling me to get as far away from Tom Keen as possible?" Liz replied. "What would you say then?"

Ressler sighed and turned the car back on to the road. "I'd say, I get where you're coming from. But you gotta figure this out for yourself, Keen. I can't do it for you. Nobody can."

They drove the rest of the way back to the Post Office in silence. Ressler pulled the vehicle in next to Liz's car. Liz unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face him.

"Thanks for bringing me tonight. It helped. Do you have plans for the holidays?"

Ressler shook his head. "Nothing special. Might go to my cabin for a few days, we'll see."

Liz nodded. She felt bad that Ressler was alone so much, and especially this time of year. "Well, I hope you have a good Christmas and we'll see what the New Year brings, right?"

Ressler nodded. "You too - and be careful. Call me if you need anything."

"I will," Liz replied. She leaned over and pressed her lips lightly against his cheek. "Goodnight, Don." Without waiting for a response, she exited the car. Ressler stared after her, startled by her sudden use of his first name. "Goodnight, Liz" he replied quietly into the darkness.


	8. Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz has some frank conversations with Aram about Elise as she continues to question her future with Tom. Samar speaks her mind to Liz about Ressler. Liz gets her badge back. Next up: Liz goes undercover with the Harem and has a lot on her mind.

Liz straightened her blouse and stared bleakly at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Even makeup wasn't helping the dark circles under her eyes caused by too much arguing and not enough sleep. She felt strangely relieved to be returning to work. As much as she and Tom had tried to put a good face on things and enjoy their first Christmas with Agnes, the lingering tension between them had put a damper on everything. When Agnes was awake, they managed to get along. But whenever they were alone, they seemed to fight over even the smallest issues. The big one was Scottie, of course, and Tom's failure to tell her the complete truth from the start. But that fight had morphed into a thousand other arguments over Red, her job, where to live, even whose turn it was to change or feed Agnes. Basically - everything.

Liz took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom to find Tom sitting on the floor next to Agnes. He looked up and gave her a half-smile at the sight of her dressed for work. He was in his usual t-shirt and jeans. He'd started looking for a job, but so far nothing had materialized. Liz tried not to think about how wrong it would be for a school to hire Tom as a teacher given his criminal past because the alternative of him choosing a different career - a _criminal_ career - was even more unpalatable.

"I'm getting ready to head out," she said as she bent down to pick up Agnes. Tom watched as she closed her eyes and inhaled the sweet scent of the baby's head. _I'm doing this for Agnes_ , she thought. _It has to get better_. She opened her eyes to find Tom staring at her contemplatively. She braced herself, expecting a snide comment.

"Have a good day," he said simply as he reached for the baby. "Call me if you're going to be late." _We're more like roommates than_ _husband and wife_ , she thought as she closed the door behind her with a click. _Roommates who fight all the time._

* * *

An hour later, Liz watched as Ressler and Samar headed out to interrogate the owner of the fish factory that Reddington insisted was a front for terrorism. She missed going out in the field. It was one thing when she was pregnant, but it was frustrating to be largely trapped in the Post Office now that she was physically capable of doing her old job. She walked back through the war room towards her office and saw Aram with his head buried in his hands.

"You ok?" she asked. Aram looked up.

"Not really," he replied wearily. "I'm a nervous wreck about this deposition."

"You'll be fine. Just tell them what happened," Liz said as she placed her hand on his shoulder. "It wasn't your fault."

"I get that..." Aram said slowly. "But I still feel like a fool...I mean, I shared the most intimate parts of my life with her. I shared _everything_ with her. I _made love_ to her. And none of it was real. She created this perfect illusion of the perfect girfriend and I fell for it. What does that say about me?"

Liz swallowed hard. She knew that feeling all too well. "It's no reflection on you, Aram," she replied quietly. "She was a professional. It was her job to make you feel that way." _Just like Tom_ , Liz thought bitterly. She patted his arm and turned to continue into her office, wary of continuing the conversation much longer.

Hey, can I ask you something?" Aram said to her retreating back.

Liz stopped, turned and nodded. "Sure, what?" she asked, guardedly.

"How did you..." Aram licked his lips anxiously. "How did you...just...get over it?"

Liz blinked. "Get over what?"

"How did you...forgive Tom for lying to you all those years? For pretending to be someone else? How could you get back with him after you knew the truth and ever trust him again? I mean, I only dated Elise for a few months but I feel so...used. Violated, even. I just... I just don't understand how you could do it, that's all." Aram hung his head, unable to meet her eyes.

Liz stared at Aram. _How, indeed_. She exhaled. "It's complicated. And there are days I certainly question that decision." She blinked rapidly and looked up at the ceiling before continuing. "But we have a child and I don't think there's too many men in the world who'd have wanted to be involved - much less raise a child - with the woman who murdered the Attorney General."

Aram looked startled at her last remark. "Oh don't think that for one second. I mean Agent Ressler would have..." Aram stopped suddenly and dropped his eyes as his cheeks flushed.

"Agent Ressler would have what?" Liz asked, puzzled.

Aram shook his head. "Never mind. It's not my place to say. Forget I said anything."

Liz waited for a moment to see if he would continue, but it was evident Aram was done with the discussion so she continued into her office and closed the door behind her and leaned against it. _Agent Ressler would have what?_ she wondered. Surely Aram didn't mean...? Liz shook her head. There was a time that she'd thought that there was something more developing between her and Ressler. Honestly, she'd wanted there to be. But then Connolly... and Ressler had hunted her down with such vigor. No, he would never have given her a second look after that. He cared too much about the law, about doing the right thing. _I'm hardly the woman_ _a man like Ressler wants to spend his life with_ , she thought. _He deserves better._

* * *

The rest of the day passed in a blur as Mossad's - and Samar's - involvement in the raid came to light and by the end of it, Liz was exhausted. As she gathered her things to leave, Liz couldn't help but overhear Cooper scolding Samar and delivering an ultimatum about her loyalty to the Task Force. She followed Samar into the elevator. As the doors closed, Samar glanced at her and her eyes narrowed warily. "What's on your mind, Liz? You look like you clearly want to say something."

Liz pursed her lips and exhaled. "It''s just... you could have gotten both yourself and Ressler killed today because you weren't honest with us. That's all. I was really worried about both of you."

"You're hardly one to talk, Liz," Samar snapped. "How many times have you withheld information from us? How many _countless_ times have you put Ressler's life - and mine - at risk? So get off your high horse. I've had quite enough for one day, honestly."

Liz was taken aback both by her words and her icy tone. "You're right, I'm sorry," she replied. "I shouldn't have said anything. I'm certainly not one who should be talking."

The rode the rest of the way to the parking garage in stony silence. When the door opened, Samar turned to her. "I'll make things right with Ressler. We'll talk. Because that's what partners should do. Can you say the same?"

"What are you talking about?" Liz asked, puzzled.

Samar shook her head. "If you don't know, I can't help you Liz. If you can't see how your actions over the past six months have affected him, you're blind. He's a good man. A decent man. But he's not made of steel. You faking your death nearly destroyed him even though he'll never admit it. And now you're leaning on him one moment and ignoring him the next. You're so caught up in your own personal issues that you're blind to everything else going on around you. What I did to Ressler today was wrong, and I'll take responsibility for that. But you need to take responsibility for your actions too. Stop toying with his emotions and let him go. Let him move on. You and this job are going to destroy him in the end if you don't."

With that, Samar turned and strode towards her car, leaving Liz stunned by the elevator. _First Aram, now Samar_ , she thought? _What am I missing?_

* * *

Donald Ressler leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. It was late and long past time for him to head home, but his entire body ached and he couldn't quite bring himself to move yet. He rubbed his left arm and shoulder in a futile effort to ease the throbbing pain. His arm had taken the brunt of a hard fall when he had tackled Farouk and even hours later it still hurt like hell. Nothing to do about except wait it out. With his history, pain meds were out of the question. _Hell of a way to start the new year_ , he thought.

"Did you hear?" Ressler opened his eyes to see Aram standing in the doorway.

"Did I hear what?" Ressler asked wearily.

"Agent Keen - she's been pardoned by the President!" Aram shook his head in amazement. "I can't believe Mr. Reddington was able to pull that off!"

Ressler sat up abruptly, wincing as his shoulder and arm protested the sudden movement.

"You're sure? A full pardon?"

Aram nodded eagerly. "It's all over the news."

Ressler exhaled loudly. "Reddington's reach should not surprise me at this point, I guess. I don't want to know how he did it, but I'm glad for Liz. Cooper still around?"

"Yes, he's in his office," Aram replied. Ressler forced himself to get up and headed for the doorway to go see Cooper.

"Do you think this means you'll be partners again?" Aram called after him.

Ressler squared his shoulders but kept going. He was not going allow himself to even think of that possibility right now. He climbed the steps to Cooper's office slowly and found his boss staring at the television in the corner of his office as pictures of Liz and Tom Connolly flashed on the screen.

"It's incredible, isn't it?" Cooper mused. "Just earlier today, Cynthia Panabaker told me that getting Elizabeth's badge back was impossible. Yet here we are. I just got off the phone with her and I've been authorized to return it."

Ressler glanced up at the television with its scrolling banner. "Wonder what Reddington's got on the President."

Cooper snorted. "My thoughts exactly. But we'll probably never know." He turned off the TV with a click and turned to face Ressler. "I spoke with Agent Navabi and gave her an ultimatum. If she shows up for work tomorrow, she has to be honest with me and this Task Force going forward. I won't tolerate a repeat of what happened today."

Ressler nodded. He couldn't quite wrap his head around what Samar had done just yet, but he was too exhausted to even think about it.

"Now that Agent Keen will have her badge back, I'll be able to send her back into the field with you again," Cooper continued. "I assume you won't have a problem with that?"

Ressler shook his head. "No, sir."

"Good." Cooper peered at him over the rim of his glasses. "Go home and get some rest, Don. You look beat."

Ressler nodded wearily. "Good night, sir." He stumbled down the stairs and paused only to grab his keys and jacket before heading to the elevator. Before starting the car, he pulled out his phone and hesitated for a moment, weighing whether to text or call or to reach out at all. Text won out. "Congratulations" he typed before he slid his phone back in his pocket and maneuvered the SUV out of the garage.

* * *

Liz felt her phone buzz and a smile crossed her face as she saw Ressler's text.

"Who's that?" Tom asked.

Liz glanced up, and her smiled faded as she saw his expression. "Just Ressler congratulating me on the pardon."

"So does this mean you guys are going to be partners again?" Tom asked icily.

"I don't know," Liz replied truthfully. "It's not up to me. I still can't believe Reddington pulled it off."

"Me either," Tom replied grimly. "I guess leaving DC is out of the question now, huh?"

Liz stared at him for a moment before responding. "I didn't think that was ever seriously on the table, Tom. Not after everything that happened."

"Yeah, you've made that clear. Job comes first, right? Pretty soon it'll be your partner comes first too."

"Tom, that's not fair." Just then, Liz's phone rang and she saw Cooper's number flash on the screen. "Hold on..." She held up a finger to Tom. "Keen. Yes, sir, I heard. Yes, I'll be right there." She hung up and looked at Tom, whose expression had grown darker. "That was Cooper. He's gotten official approval to return my badge. He's still at the Post Office."

Tom folded his arms. "Well, I guess you better not keep the boss waiting."

Liz grabbed her jacket and keys. "This won't take long. I'll be back in time to put Agnes to bed."

"No need to rush," Tom replied coldly.

Liz nodded wordlessly and headed for the door, grateful to escape the tension. As much as he'd tried to put on a good act when the news was first announced, it was clear that Tom was really less than thrilled at the return of her badge and all that would mean.

As she slid into the car, she reached for her phone and pressed Ressler's number.

He answered on the second ring. "Ressler."

"Hey, it's me," she said softly. "Got your message."

"It's amazing news, Liz. Congratulations." he replied. "Cooper says he got clearance to put you back in the field."

"It _is_ amazing," Liz sighed. "I'm afraid to know how Reddington managed it. But, I'm very grateful. I'm headed over to the Post Office now to pick up my badge from Cooper. You still there?"

"No, I left already. Long day."

"I can imagine. You sound really tired - you ok?"

"Yeah just a little beat up," Ressler replied with a sigh. "Nothing serious. Headed home now."

"Ok. Take care of yourself and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Will do," he replied and paused before adding, "welcome back, partner."

Liz smiled into the darkness she put her phone away. _Partners again_. She'd never believed that would happen, but the idea of it was thrilling.

* * *

After meeting with Cooper and retrieving her badge, Liz made her way down the stairs towards the elevator. She was surprised to see Aram still sitting alone at his desk in the empty war room.

"Hey, what are you still doing here?" Liz asked as she approached his desk. Aram looked up, his eyes glistening.

"What's wrong?" Liz asked, concerned. "I thought the deposition went well?"

"It did," Aram replied slowly. "I was supposed to have dinner with Agent Navabi tonight."

"And you didn't because...?" Liz asked gently.

"I didn't because I told her I can't be involved with someone whose loyalties I can't trust. Not after Elise." He looked down at his fingers and fidgeted. "I was all set to tell her how I really feel," he continued miserably, "after all this time - I was finally gonna lay it all out on the table. But now I don't know what I feel. Well, that's not entirely true. I do know that I feel pretty miserable right now."

Liz pulled up a stool and sat across from Aram and gazed at him quietly for a moment. "I am positive Samar never meant to hurt you, Aram. I know she really cares about you. But I also know exactly how you feel," she sighed.

"You do?" Aram looked surprised.

"I do," Liz replied sadly. "I wish I didn't. I thought having Agnes back - I thought Tom and I could make another go of it. But we're doing nothing but fight. He's restless and bored. And I can't trust that he's not going to run off and do something stupid on any given day. I just don't think we want the same kind of life anymore."

Aram smiled sadly at her. "Sounds like both of us are kind of a mess right now, huh?"

"Yeah," Liz replied. "Some bunch we are, right? You and Samar will work it out. Give it time. I better get back, though, so I can put Agnes to bed." She got up to leave.

Aram looked up at her, his face serious once more. "I have faith in you, Agent Keen. I have faith you're gonna figure it out and make the right decision.

Liz stared at him for a moment. "Thanks, Aram. I hope you're right."


	9. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz goes undercover with the Harem and reflects on her own relationship issues with Tom. Ressler and Reddington discuss Reddington's decision to send Liz undercover.

Liz's head throbbed and her heart raced as she tossed restlessly on the couch. She knew those last few shots had been a huge mistake. Clearly her tolerance for alcohol wasn't what it once was. She replayed her conversation with Emma Knightley over again in her mind. _A chatty drunk? What on earth did I say?_ she thought. _I'm so stupid_. Neither Tom nor Ressler had wanted her to take this assignment. Tom and she had fought loudly over it to the point they had woken Agnes. Yet another in a long list of ways that they didn't see eye to eye. Ressler had expressed his disapproval more quietly, as was his nature, but she had felt it radiating off of him as he had dropped her off at the hotel to meet Margot. He'd insisted on being her point of contact for this mission. She glanced at her watch. _4 a.m_. She was supposed to have checked in with Ressler hours ago. _I wonder if he's worried_ , she thought. She rubbed her temples, willing the pounding in her head and her chest to subside.

* * *

Across town, Ressler was wide awake staring at his own ceiling. He picked up his phone and stared at the blank screen once more. _Where the hell are you, Liz_ , he thought as he rolled over and pounded his pillow into submission. He'd stayed up late, expecting to hear from her and as the hours passed, her silence had made him more and more anxious. He'd slept fitfully for an hour or two but something had woken him up and he'd been unable to get back to sleep since. With a groan of frustration, he slid out of bed and padded into the kitchen for a glass of water. He took his drink into the living room and stood staring out at night sky and the lights of the city. Daybreak was still a couple of hours away. _Where the hell are you, Liz_ , he repeated to himself.

Finally, the first fingers of daylight flickered on the walls of Emma's living room and Liz got up and staggered into the bathroom. Her eyes were red and puffy in the mirror. She stumbled back into the kitchen in search of a glass of water and found Emma seated at the counter.

"Did you get some more sleep?" Emma inquired "You look like hell."

"Not enough," Liz murmured as she filled her water glass. "Strange couch and all..."

"Mmm... Emma replied. "By the way, who's Tom?"

Liz froze and was grateful her back was turned away from Emma. She composed herself hastily and turned around, eyeing Emma over the rim of her water glass. "What are you talking about?" she asked as cooly as she could manage.

Emma gave her a knowing smile. "No need to play coy. You were rambling on about him a bit last night. How you fight all the time, how you don't think you love him anymore. Sounds like there may be a messy breakup in your future."

Liz felt her heart pound as she stared at Emma. If she had talked about Tom, what else had she spoken about? Before she could think of a response, Emma continued.

"He sounds like a dolt. You're probably better off without him. Anyway, pull yourself together - we're meeting Margot in thirty minutes."

Liz gripped her water glass speechlessly as Emma disappeared into her bedroom.

* * *

"She'll make contact, relax," Samar said as she watched Ressler pace nervously around the war room.

"I don't like this. I don't like this at all. This was a stupid idea Reddington had, sending her in like this" Ressler snapped.

"It's her job, remember? Especially now that she has her badge back. " Samar replied.

"Yeah, well, if we don't hear from her soon we need to figure out where she is and get her out of there."

Just then Ressler's phone buzzed with a text from the burner phone Liz had concealed near Margot's hideout. "Meet me in the park in an hour."

"Thank God," he murmured, relieved, as he held up the phone to show Samar. "Let's go."

* * *

For the second night, Liz found herself awake and restless, staring at the ceiling at 4 a.m, except this time, she hadn't had enough alcohol for that to be the reason. She was hyper aware of every noise in the small house, the hum of the refrigerator, the ticking of the clock on the wall - even some cats fighting in the distance outside. She'd slept for a couple of hours but some noise had jolted her awake and she hadn't been able to quiet her mind since.

_Get out before the honeymoon phase ends_. Liz tossed restlessly onto her back and covered her eyes with her arm. Emma had been talking about Reddington, but her words had unwittingly hit closer to home when it came to Tom. Liz had spent the past several hours replaying all of their recent arguments in her mind and it all boiled down to one very uncomfortable truth: the only thing holding them together was Agnes and suddenly, Liz wasn't sure that could or should be enough. She rolled onto her side and felt a tear trickle down her cheek. _What was I thinking_? She'd known that getting back together with Tom was a mistake but she'd done it anyway and told herself it was for her daughter's sake. Having grown up without a mother, she wanted desperately for Agnes to have a stable home with two parents - but at what cost? _What kind of life am I setting her up for_? she thought, as the tears flowed more freely. And, if she was being honest, being with Tom at the time had felt somehow safer than the thought of being alone and raising a child by herself. _But now? I'm not so sure_ , she thought. She remembered Tom's face as he had fingered his old passports. How he couldn't throw them out. _We want to live in different worlds, and that's the problem_.

Sleep remained elusive and by 5 a.m the first sounds of the birds outside prompted Liz to get up of the couch and make her way into the bathroom. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. The dark circles under her eyes had only deepened. _Time to pull it together_ , she thought as she reached for some makeup. _You gotta get this job done first_.

* * *

A few hours later, Ressler watched uneasily as Liz exited the park after their second meeting. After a few minutes, he got up and walked the couple of blocks to the Suburban where Samar was waiting.

"How did it go?" Samar asked as he climbed into the passenger seat.

"She's going to Hong Kong. The Harem's gonna pull off the heist there," he replied curtly.

"Hong Kong? We don't have jurisdiction there?"

"Yeah I know. And worse - Emma Knightley has figured out Keen's FBI. I don't like it. I don't like it at all." He stared out the window as Samar maneuvered the vehicle into the street.

"Did you tell her your concerns?"

"Yeah. She was insistent."

Samar couldn't help but notice the tension radiating off of her partner as he clenched and unclenched his fingers. He was clearly wound up like a spring ready to uncoil.

"Is it worth talking to Reddington? Trying to call it off?"

Ressler shook his head. "No, Liz said to trust her. I think we got to do that. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though." He pursed his lips in frustration.

When they arrived back at the Post Office, they found Reddington waiting in Cooper's office. They de-briefed both men on Ressler's conversation with Liz and her plans to travel to Hong Kong.

"I'll reach out to Main Justice and see what assets we have in Hong Kong who may be of assistance," Cooper said as they concluded their meeting. Ressler followed Reddington down the stairs as he prepared to leave.

"Why are you doing this?" he said to the criminal's retreating back. Reddington turned around slowly and gazed at Ressler with a mixture of bemusement and irritation.

"Why am I doing what, Donald?" Reddington replied evenly.

"Why are you keeping Liz embedded in the Harem when you know at least Emma Knightley knows who she really is." Ressler snapped. "And now she's off to a foreign country where we don't even have jurisdiction."

Reddington stared at Ressler wordlessly for a moment and then shrugged. "I'm not going to explain my motivations to you, Donald, except to say as insofar as recovering the WITSEC list, our interests are aligned. You should know me well enough by now to know that if I truly believed Elizabeth was in more danger than she could handle, I would not allow this operation to proceed. You should have more faith in your partner - which, by the way, how's that working out? Are you and Agent Keen finding...common ground once more?" Reddington smirked.

Ressler glared at Reddington and turned to walk back to his office. Reddington called after him, "you know, Donald, some time away in an undercover operation may be just the thing Elizabeth needs."

Ressler spun around. "What are you talking about?"

Reddington placed his fedora carefully on his head. "I find that we often have our greatest moments of clarity when we are removed from our own environment and placed in situations that make us...uncomfortable. Sometimes seeing the lives of others and the choices they've made causes one to re-examine one's own choices, to question the wisdom of certain actions or relationships. One can only hope that Elizabeth may experience such revelations. Good day, Donald." Reddington turned and made his way to the elevator, followed closely by Dembe whose face remained, as usual, entirely impassive.

_What the hell is he talking about now_? Ressler thought as he made his way back to his office.

* * *

Nearly 24 hours later, Liz huddled under a blanket on the return flight from Hong Kong as she sipped a glass of Chardonnay. Nothing about the mission had gone as planned and she was absolutely exhausted even as she was simultaneously relieved that her time with the Harem was over. She'd managed to catch a few hours sleep on the plane as her body had finally taken over but it still wasn't enough. She couldn't get the image of Emma Knightley out of her mind. If Reddington found her, would he kill her like he had Mr. Kaplan? Leave her son motherless? Liz couldn't think of Mr. Kaplan without her heart aching. Tom had barely flinched when she'd told him what Reddington had done. In his world, these things made sense. But Liz felt responsible and the knowledge that the woman who had always been so kind to her had died because she tried to help her was more than she could bear to think about.

Liz stared out the window into the black sky. The only visible lights were the blinking ones on the wings of the airplane. She wondered how Tom would react to her return. Ressler had told her on the phone before she'd left Hong Kong that they had kept Tom generally apprised of her situation in very general terms. Only now that the mission was concluded had he learned that she had traveled halfway around the world. _Bet he'll have something to say about that one_ , she thought. But she had things to say too. If there was one thing this mission had clarified, it was that she had to stop fooling herself. _Time to stop pretending that_ _everything's ok when it's not_ , she thought. _Time to be honest_. Eventually the wine and the steady hum of the aircraft had their desired effect and Liz drifted back into a restless sleep.

Finally, her flight landed in DC and Liz gathered her small bag and made her way off the aircraft. She felt stiff from the long flight and desperately wanted nothing more than a shower, a warm meal, and her own bed. As she emerged into the terminal, she scanned the waiting crowd of drivers for a sign bearing her name since Cooper had said he would arrange for her transportation home from the airport.

"Keen!" A familiar voice broke through the crowd.

Liz turned and saw Ressler pushing his way through the crowd towards her. She felt tears well up in her eyes at the sight of his familiar, reassuring presence and she blinked rapidly in an effort to conceal them and tried to plaster a smile on her face. Her efforts were not entirely successful as his expression quickly turned to one of concern.

"Hey, you ok?" He asked as reached for her bag. "Rough flight?" Liz nodded and looked down at her feet, suddenly not trusting herself to speak. They walked in silence for a few minutes before Ressler continued, "Reddington found Emma Knightley and retrieved the WITSEC list, so the mission was a success in the end."

Liz stopped and froze. Ressler continued for a couple of steps before he realized she was no longer beside him and turned back.

"Hey, Keen, what's wrong? ... Liz?" Suddenly, it was all just too much and Liz reached a hand out to him blindly as the tears streamed down her face. She couldn't get Emma's face out of her mind and the knowledge that she was probably almost certainly dead. Ressler dropped her bag at their feet, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close as she sobbed. He patted her back absently and murmured reassuringly as she clung to him.

As he held her, her brain registered the familiar woodsy scent of his aftershave and the damp wool of his overcoat as she buried her face in the crook of his shoulder, eager to shut out everything around them and just focus on his solid, comforting presence. Finally, she pulled back and blinked at the bright lights of the airport. Ressler took his finger and gently wiped the lingering tears off her cheeks as he reached into his pocket for a handkerchief and handed it to her.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked gently.

Liz shook her head. "Not yet. I know you must have lots of questions. But not yet. Soon." She looked up at him, willing him to understand.

Ressler cleared his throat. "Whenever you're ready. It's ok. You want me to take you home?"

"Not yet," she replied slowly. "I want to try to see Reddington first."

Ressler raised an eyebrow, but picked up her bag and took her elbow and gently steered her towards that door. "Whatever you say," he said as he held the door open for her and they stepped out into the cold night air.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, they pulled up outside the same restaurant where Liz had seen Reddington talking to Emma Knightley days earlier. Dembe had indicated when she'd called that this was where they would be.

"I'll wait here," Ressler said as she moved to get out of the car.

"You don't have to do that," Liz replied, "I don't know how long I'll be. You go ahead home. I'm sure Dembe can drive me."

"I'll wait," Ressler said firmly. "Go." An hour later, Liz slid back into the passenger seat next to him. He could tell immediately that she seemed more at peace than when she'd left him.

"How did it go?" he asked carefully.

Liz held out a small thumb drive. "I got the list. And apart from that, it went...well, I guess. I'm sorry I was such a basket case earlier."

"No need to apologize." Ressler said evenly. "You want to tell me what it was all about?"

Liz shook her head. "Not yet. I know that must be frustrating to hear. I _will_ tell you, but I need a little more time first, ok?" She looked at him imploringly.

Ressler stared into her eyes for a moment and then nodded. "Home?" he asked simply. He heard Liz take a deep breath as if she were steeling herself for battle. "Yes."


	10. Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz tells Tom it's over between them.

_Tom, I think we need some time apart_. Liz shook her head as she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. _Tom, I want to try a separation_. No, that wasn't right either. _What's wrong with me?_ she thought angrily. She gripped the side of the sink tightly in frustration. _Why can't I find the words for what I'm trying to say? I'm done? I'm through? I don't love you? Maybe I never did? Not the real you, anyway?_ A small voice inside her head took over. _You're not going to find the right words until you're looking right at him._ Liz took a deep breath and walked into the living room. Her courage faded when she saw Tom sitting on the couch playing peek-a-boo with Agnes. She plastered a false smile on her face.

"Look at you guys," she murmured.

Tom glanced up. "Wave bye bye to Mommy, Agnes," he said cheerfully as he waved the infant's arm towards Liz. "She's going to work." Agnes beamed at Liz.

_Not now_ , said the tiny voice inside Liz's head. _Tonight. When Agnes is asleep. You can't do this in front of her. Even if she's not old enough to understand._

"Bye you two," Liz said as casually as she could manage. She grabbed her keys and stooped to kiss Agnes on the head, barely glancing at Tom as she did so. "Don't get into any trouble, ok?"

* * *

An hour later, Liz stared out the window as Ressler drove them to meet with Dr. Nina at the CDC.

"What's on your mind, Keen?" Ressler asked, finally breaking the silence.

Liz hesitated. She wanted to tell him, but she wasn't ready to. Not yet. "Nothing. Just really tired from a rough night with the baby," she replied, hoping he wouldn't press further.

Ressler raised his eyebrow but didn't ask anything more, much to her relief. They rode in silence most of the way until Liz's cell phone rang and Tom's number flashed on the screen. Liz pressed the button to answer the call.

"You're not gonna believe this," Tom began.

"What?"

"Reddington. He just showed up here." Tom filled Liz in on the rest of Reddington's plan to have him work with him on an undercover mission. Liz couldn't help but notice that Ressler was shooting her concerned glances as she peppered Tom with questions. Finally, she hung up the phone and closed her eyes. She was dimly aware of the car pulling to the side of the road and stopping and opened her eyes to meet Ressler's piercing gaze.

"Ok, Keen. Spill it. Something's up. What is it?"

"It's Tom," she sighed. "And Reddington," she added.

"Well, I got that much from your side of the conversation," Ressler said dryly. "So what illegal scheme have those two cooked up now?"

Liz couldn't help but burst out laughing at his tone and expression. "You will not even believe," she said as she filled him in.

"I never would have imagined I'd see the day when Red would voluntarily team up with Tom on anything that didn't directly involve saving you," Ressler said when she was finished.

"I know," she replied, serious once more, "that's what has me most worried."

* * *

Hours later, her concern turned to rage as Reddington explained he had sent Tom to Belgium. _Belgium?_ She hung up the phone and pressed her fingers to her temples. Reddington's words echoed in her mind. _Tom is very good at what he does, it defines him. No kidding, really?_ she thought. _That's exactly the problem, and I don't need your help to figure that out._ She didn't know whether she was more angry with Reddington for proposing the operation or Tom for accepting it. _Guess we'll be having that conversation tomorrow instead of tonight_ , she thought furiously.

"You ok?" Once more, Ressler's voice cut through the thoughts swirling in her mind.

"He sent Tom to Belgium to play spy," she snapped, more harshly than she meant to. "Belgium! So he won't be back until tomorrow, I have to pick up Agnes at the sitter, and forget the conversation I had planned tonight to tell him that it's over between us!" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Liz regretted them as soon as she saw Ressler's startled expression.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to share my marital problems," Liz began before Ressler cut her off.

"Liz. No need to apologize," he replied, his face now carefully blank.

"I know. I know," she said with a sigh. "And I appreciate it. But really - this is something I need to deal with on my own."

Ressler nodded. "I get that. Good luck," he replied quietly. But she knew him well enough that his expression told her there was more he would like to have said. _I wonder what's on his mind_ , she thought.

* * *

Ressler stepped out of their shared office, his mind reeling. _To tell him that it's over between us? Did she really say that?_ He didn't even dare to think about it too much. He'd thought it was over between Tom and Liz many times in the past and every time he'd thought that, she'd proven him wrong. Hell, she'd even gone and had a child with him. _What the hell does she see in him?_ he thought, and not for the first time. She'd been dropping plenty of hints lately about trouble in paradise, but he hadn't dared to believe them.

"What's on your mind?" Samar asked as they drove back to the CDC.

Ressler shook his head as he stared out the window. "Nothing. Just - something Keen said. It's nothing," he repeated hastily.

Samar sighed. "She's still under your skin. Why do you let her get to you like that?"

Ressler glanced at her and then turned away once more as he exhaled loudly. "I don't know. I wish I did."

* * *

Hours later, Samar slid back into the passenger seat next to him as they prepared to leave the scene of the deaths of Natalie Luca and her forbidden lover, Malik.

"Let's get out of here," she murmured.

Ressler needed no urging and he slid the Suburban onto the dark road back to D.C. As he drove, Samar leaned back in her seat and turned to look at him. "What's wrong with us?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" Ressler asked, not sure where she was headed with that thought.

"Both of us. We're in love with people who don't want us. How messed up is that?" Samar replied.

"What are you talking about?" Ressler asked guardedly.

Samar glared at him. "Cut the act, ok? I mean us. As in you and me. Aram thinks I'm some sort of spy or traitor or terrorist or I don't know what. And you're in love with Liz who's...I don't know what with her ex-husband, father of her child... And then you look at Natalie and Malik and doesn't that make you wonder about star-crossed lovers? I mean, aren't certain people destined to be together, no matter the odds? Or are we just looking for love in the wrong places?"

Ressler gaped at Samar, unsure how to respond. _In love with Liz? Did she just say that?_

She continued, "maybe we should have just stayed together - might have made both our lives easier, right?"

At least that comment was easy for him to chuckle at because they both knew how absurd it was. He'd spent months deeply regretting that one-night stand with Samar until he'd admitted to himself it meant nothing to her either. Thankfully they'd been able to salvage their partnership and even a semblance of a friendship out of the wreckage.

* * *

Across town, Liz gently placed Agnes in her crib and closed the bedroom door softly behind her. Tom had called to say that the job was done, but he wouldn't be home until morning. He'd sounded upbeat on the phone, like he'd had fun playing the part Reddington had asked him to play. Liz stared sadly into the darkness. _It's definitely over_ , she thought. _I am not ok with this side of him. I am not ok being the wife of a spy._

She slept fitfully that night, and woke at the first rays of daylight poking their way into the bedroom. She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling. _What now?_ she thought. _Is Agnes going to hate me for kicking her father out? Or will she thank me someday?_ Liz tossed and turned until the sound of Agnes's cheerful chatter forced her out of bed. She walked in to find Agnes talking to her reflection in the tiny mirror attached to her crib.

_Oh baby girl_ , she thought. _I just want to do right by you. I wish I knew what right was._

* * *

By midnight that night, it was over. Liz lay in bed once more - this time on the pull-out bed in Agnes's room. She'd left the bedroom for Tom to allow him at least a good night's sleep after the ordeal of the day. He'd made it easy for her in the end, walking in all pumped and happy after his mission with Reddington. In that moment, it was clear he was never going to leave that life behind, even if he tried. It would always call out to him, in his weakest moments. The desire to put on a new identity, to play spy, to become someone he wasn't. _Reddington was right_ , she thought bitterly. _It defines him. He can no more give up this life than he can give up breathing. It's part of who he is. And I want no part of that part of him._

She had chosen her words carefully and she replayed them in her mind. _I need a break, Tom. From you - from us. Probably a permanent one. I told you I loved you but - I lied. I love the idea of you. I love the fake you, not the real you. I love the guy I thought I married. But you're not him, are you? Can you be honest with me just once? You're not that guy, are you?_

_I want to be,_ he'd said. _I want to try to be._ She rolled over in bed and punched the pillow.

_But you're not that guy. And I'm not sure you ever can be, and I'm not willing to wait to find out if you can be._

_What about Agnes?_ he'd said, pleadingly, sensing her weakness. _What about our daughter?_

_You'll always be her father_ , she'd replied. _But that can't be the only reason we're together. I want more. I need more._

They'd gone back and forth for more than two hours, trading arguments and even insults and in the end, she'd held her ground. A trial separation. Tom would begin looking for his own place right away. They'd share Agnes. He hadn't liked it - he'd argued with her long and hard - but in the end, she'd prevailed and he'd agreed to begin looking for his own place in the morning. As she rolled over once more, she listened to Agnes's steady breathing across the room. _I did this for you, baby girl, she thought. For us. So you learn that Mommy can be strong and stand up for herself. We got this. You and me._


	11. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler struggles with the demands of the job when a family member becomes ill; Liz offers sympathy.

Ressler was shaving when he heard his phone ring in the bedroom. He immediately put down his razor and went to answer it. It was barely 6:00 am and early morning phone calls rarely brought good news. He felt his heart sink when he saw his mother's number flash on the screen.

"Mom, what's wrong?" he asked, without even waiting for her to speak.

"It's Peter," his mother replied anxiously. "Amy just called. He woke her up with bad chest pains and they're on their way to the hospital. They have a neighbor staying with the kids. I'm headed to the hospital now."

"You think he had a heart attack?" Ressler sat down on the edge of the bed and gripped the phone tightly. His older brother was only 40 and relatively fit. But heart problems ran in their family so anything was possible.

"We don't know. I just wanted you to be aware of the situation, especially because I know sometimes it's hard to reach you during the work day. I'll try you again once I know more," his mother replied.

"Call me as soon as you know anything," Ressler said. "I'll make sure I'm reachable, ok? I want to know right away."

"Ok, honey. I'll call as soon as I know anything. I best get going so I can meet them."

"Alright. Thanks for letting me know." Ressler hung up the phone and rubbed his forehead. _I should have gone home for Christmas_ , he thought bitterly. He and Pete weren't as close as they'd been as kids but family was family and Ressler suddenly felt guilty for avoiding his as much as he did. _It's not Pete's fault mom married an ass_ , he thought. _A drunken, abusive ass_. Pete seemed to have managed to forgive and forget their stepfather's past transgressions, but Ressler couldn't quite get there. As a result, he'd barely been home at all over the past ten years. Pete had stayed in Michigan and settled down with a nice desk job and a lovely wife and a couple of cute kids. _And now he's the one in the hospital. Life just isn't fair,_ Ressler thought. He shook his head and headed back into the bathroom to finish shaving.

* * *

Two hours later, Liz was briefing the Task Force on Isabella Stone when Ressler's phone rang again. He glanced at the screen and then immediately stepped away from the briefing to answer the call.

"What's going on, Mom?" he asked. "How's Pete?"

"He's stable," his mother replied. "But it was definitely a heart attack. They're going to run some more tests to see what needs to be done. He might need surgery."

Ressler closed his eyes. "Let me see if I can come out."

"Oh honey, you don't need to do that. I know how busy you are. Pete wouldn't expect..."

"I know, but I want to be there," Ressler cut her off. "Let me see what I can do."

"Ok, sweetheart" his mother replied softly. "Of course we'd all love to see you. It would mean a lot to Pete - it's been so long."

"I know. I'll try." Ressler ended the call and rejoined the group clustered around Aram's desk. He was antsy for the briefing to be over - hell, for the whole case to be over - so he could catch the next flight to Detroit. He could barely conceal the irritation in his voice as he questioned the wisdom of wasting resources on helping Reddington solve the mystery of who was taking out his associates. Cooper overruled him, and that was that. As the briefing concluded, he turned to head back to his office.

"Everything ok? With the phone call?" Samar asked. He groaned inwardly. He wasn't really in the mood to discuss his family problems.

"Yeah, it's just stuff," he replied, hoping she would take the hint and leave him alone.

"Stuff?" she asked, clearly not buying it.

"Yeah, stuff. everything's fine," he snapped as he retreated into his office. Liz barely looked up as he sat down at the desk. Clearly she hadn't noticed anything amiss. And as much as Samar's probing had annoyed him, Liz's oblivion was in its own way equally annoying. He tried not to feel hurt that she seemed entirely preoccupied and they worked in silence until Samar showed up in the doorway to tell him the Director of French Intelligence had arrived to discuss the prior night's incident in Paris.

* * *

As the meeting concluded, Ressler's phone rang again.

"What's the update?" he asked as he stepped into the corridor, glancing from side to side to make sure he was alone.

"The doctor confirmed Peter needs bypass surgery," his mother replied.

"Bypass surgery? Did you get a second opinion?" Ressler asked incredulously. _God, he's only 40_ , he thought. "When is he scheduled to go under?"

"Sometime tomorrow. Do you think you'll be able to catch a flight?" His mother asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I'm gonna get there as soon as I can," Ressler replied, more confidently than he felt.

"Well of course we understand if you can't, honey, your job is important and that has to come first. We all understand that. Love you."

Ressler clenched his jaw. _Some damn important work I'm doing today. Helping number four on the Most Wanted preserve his criminal empire. If they only knew..._

"Love you too, mom," he said quietly and hung up the phone. He felt like punching his fist through the wall. Just then, Aram glided by with a big grin on his face. "Bet I can get Mr. Cooper to say, "you're going to Fredericksburg!" he smirked. Ressler groaned inwardly again and followed Aram into the War Room.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Ressler and Liz headed out to the storage facility in Fredericksburg. Liz stared out the window as Ressler drove, lost in thought. The early morning news of Howard Hargrave's plane crash had shocked her while she was feeding Agnes. When she'd gone to wake Tom, she'd found him sprawled on the couch instead of in the bed she'd left for him in their room. He'd taken the news of Howard's apparent death seemingly in stride, but she wasn't sure if that was because he was really disinterested, or still numb from their separation discussion the previous night. Either way, it was sure to make their already complicated situation that much more complicated.

She glanced over at Ressler. _Something's off with him_ , she thought. He'd been unusually irritable at the morning's briefing and seemed downright annoyed when Cooper had insisted they pursue the case. Now he was oddly silent. Liz knew something was up, and knew she should probably ask what, but she just didn't have it in her to take on anyone else's problems at that moment, so she turned back to the window and continued to stare at the scenery in silence.

An hour later, Ressler was anything but silent when she made it clear she intended to break into the storage unit with or without a warrant. "You want to risk your own badge, you go right ahead," he hissed as he stalked towards the stairs. "But you're not risking mine. I'll be in the car and if anyone asks me about this, I'm gonna say you went to the bathroom and deny any knowledge. You got that? I am _not_ covering for you this time." His face was red and blotchy and Liz nearly gave up and went with him. She had not seen him this angry in a very long time. She nodded. _Reddington needs this information_ , she thought. _And I owe him._

When she finally emerged from the storage facility, Ressler barely waited for her to buckle herself in before he put the SUV in gear and spun the tires as he whipped out of the parking lot. His knuckles were practically white from gripping the steering wheel so hard.

"Ressler!" Liz exclaimed. He didn't even look at her.

"Ressler!" she tried again. " _Ressler_!" She reached out and touched his sleeve and he pulled his arm away as if her hand were a hot poker.

Liz exhaled. Something was definitely wrong and it had to be more than just their argument at the storage unit. "What's going on with you today?" she asked. "Something's up. You want to tell me what it is?"

Ressler glared at her and then pulled the SUV abruptly to the side of the road. He turned off the engine and rubbed a hand through his hair, agitated. He turned to face her. "You want to know what's wrong? What's wrong is that you don't think, Keen. You don't think about how your actions affect anyone else. I meant it when I said you're not gonna cost me my badge. Not for Reddington. We give up too much for him already."

Liz blinked, startled by his unusually harsh tone. "There's more to this than Reddington or me breaking into a storage unit, Ressler. You've been on edge all day. What's really going on?"

"Nothing," he snapped as he turned the engine back on. "I'm just sick of being Reddington's FBI lap dog." He maneuvered the vehicle back onto the highway.

Liz sighed. Whatever was going on, Ressler clearly wasn't really to tell her about it. They rode the rest of the way back to the Post Office in silence.

* * *

When they arrived, Samar met them at the elevator. "Grab your go bag," she said to Ressler. "We're going to Monte Carlo. Wheels up in an hour."

"Are you kidding me?" Ressler exclaimed irritably. He took the stairs two at a time up to Cooper's office, leaving Samar and Liz in his wake.

"What's going on with him today?" Samar asked Liz as they watched him go. Liz shrugged and turned to head to her office. "I don't know, but good luck."

"Sir?" Ressler poked his head into Cooper's office. Cooper looked up and removed his glasses.

"Did Navabi tell you? You're wheels up to Monaco in an hour. You better get moving."

Ressler nodded. "She did, but sir - I wasn't expecting..."

Cooper glared at him. "Is there a problem, Agent Ressler? Because if you feel the need to question one of my orders again..."

Ressler hesitated briefly but then shook his head. "No, sir," he replied tightly. He turned and made his way back downstairs to his office and was grateful to find it empty. He sank into his chair and pulled out his phone and stared at the screen, feeling a lump beginning to form in his throat. He took a deep breath and quickly punched in the number.

"Mom? I'm really sorry but I'm not gonna make it," he began, his voice breaking slightly.

HIs mother sighed, "It's ok, honey, I knew it was a long shot." _It shouldn't have to be_ , Ressler thought angrily.

"I'm going to be overseas for the next 24 hours or so," he continued, "but please keep me updated."

"I will. You're not going anywhere dangerous I hope?" his mother asked anxiously.

"No, nothing like that. I'm sorry I can't really say more." Ressler rubbed his temple, frustrated.

"I know. Be careful."

Samar appeared in the doorway minutes later, bag in hand. "You ready to go?" she asked.

"Yeah" he muttered as he grabbed his bag and followed her out the door.

* * *

Samar slept nearly the entire flight to Monaco but Ressler could not. He stared into the darkness wishing he were on a plane to Michigan instead. _What the hell am I doing here?_ he thought. _What the hell is the point of any of this?_ There was a time he could justify the sacrifices the job required because of the good he knew they were doing. But lately? It seemed like all they were doing was furthering Reddington's own private agenda and Ressler was becoming increasing uncomfortable with that.

His mood had only soured by the time they landed in Monaco. As they rode in the cab on the way to the police station, Samar prattled on and on about the scenery and the culture. _Like we're here as_ tourists, he thought bitterly, _instead of Reddington's hired_ _help_. He did his best to ignore her, but eventually she clued in.

"Hey," she said softly as she touched his sleeve.

One look at her face and he knew there was no avoiding the truth.

"My brother's going in for surgery," he said quietly as he continued to stare out the window.

"Oh, God. Is it serious? What's wrong?" Samar asked, her levity gone.

"What's wrong is I'm here in Monaco when my brother's going in for surgery," Ressler replied bitterly. "I mean, maybe if it was for the right reason, I wouldn't have a problem, but it's not. It's for Reddington. He might as well sign our checks. We work for him."

Samar exhaled. "What's wrong with your brother?" she asked gently, ignoring the rest of his comments.

"It's his heart. They found a blockage. He's gonna go in for a bypass in the morning"

Samar patted his arm. "I'm sure he'll be fine. A bypass is very common these days. It's good they caught it."

_Yeah, it's great_ , Ressler thought. _Doesn't change the fact I'm still stuck here instead of there with him_. Unfortunately, sharing the news with Samar hadn't made him feel any better. If anything, her confidence that everything would be fine only made him feel worse. _It's not her fault_ , he thought. _She means well. You gotta pull it together_.

Ressler turned his attention back to Samar. "So this guy Stratos, what do we know?"

* * *

The next day passed in a blur as he and Samar moved between the police station and the hotel, interviewing witnesses and speaking with investigators. In the end, they successfully identified Isabella Stone, but were unsuccessful in securing extradition for Reddington's man, Stratos. Ressler had a feeling Reddington had his own plan for dealing with that particular obstacle.

"Have a drink," Samar advised as they boarded the plane for their return flight to D.C. "Might help calm you down, help you sleep. Any word on your brother?"

Ressler shook his head. "Not yet. I tried my mother but she didn't answer."

"She will," Samar said confidently. "I'm sure everything is fine."

"I hope you're right," he replied as he stared out the window.

As soon as they landed, he immediately pulled out his phone and finally got through to his mother only to hear that the surgery had been delayed a few hours and that Pete was in the operating room at that moment. He snapped the phone shut and turned to Samar, who looked at him apologetically.

"I know you're anxious to get back, but we have to detour to meet Liz. She's en route to Dr. Sperry's home in Falls Church. We believe Isabella Stone has him, and he's in danger."

Ressler exhaled and nodded. At least work would keep his mind off of what was happening at that moment in an operating room in Detroit.

When they arrived at Dr. Sperry's house, the place was crawling with flashing lights from the various police vehicles and ambulances assembled at the scene.

He exchanged looks with Samar as they hastily exited their vehicle. "Find out what's going on," he said curtly. "I'm gonna find Keen."

As he made his way through the crowd, he saw a man who he assumed was Dr. Sperry being loaded into one of the waiting ambulances. He appeared to be awake and alert. He scanned the crowd anxiously, searching for any sign of Liz. Finally, he turned the corner and saw her, sitting in the back of one of the ambulances, a blanket around her shoulders. She gave him a tiny smile as he stopped short in front of her.

"You're ok?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'm fine. Just a little wet."

Wet was an understatement. He took in her sodden clothes and hair and raised an eyebrow. "You jump in a pond?" He asked.

She chuckled. "No, a pool. Put my lifeguard skills to the test."

He licked his lips. "Sperry's ok?"

She nodded again. "Yes, everyone's fine, and Isabella Stone is in custody."

Ressler exhaled. "Good. You need anything?"

Liz shook her head. "Nothing other than a change of clothes. I'm fine, really."

"Alright. Let me see where Samar is and we'll drive you back to the office."

Liz watched as he strode back into the crowd. _Something's still not right with him_ , she thought. _Something's wrong._

* * *

Later that evening, Liz left Reddington's workshop and was finally ready to head home when she realized she'd left her wallet in the pocket of the wet pants she'd worn to Dr. Sperry's house, which were now sitting in her locker at the Post Office. She glanced at her watch. Agnes was probably already asleep. She might as well swing by the Post Office and pick it up. She placed Reddington's cuckoo clock carefully on the front seat of the car and headed back to the Post Office.

Liz stepped off the elevator just in time to see Ressler push past Samar and disappear down the hall, clearly agitated.

"What's going on?" she asked Samar. "He's been acting really strange for days."

Samar bit her lip and hesitated. Clearly, unlike the previous day, she now knew something, but was reluctant to say. "It's not my place to say, Liz. You should talk to him yourself if you want to know," she said finally. "But I think he's reaching that breaking point I warned you about. I hope I'm wrong," she added as she turned and headed back to the War Room.

Liz watched her go and then headed down the corridor after Ressler. The hallway was empty, but she had a pretty good idea where he had gone. Sure enough, when she climbed the stairs, the door to the roof was slightly ajar. She stepped out into the cold night air and was immediately greeted by a burst of cold wind. She shivered slightly and pulled her coat more tightly around herself. Ressler was standing with his back towards her about ten feet away wearing a only suit jacket, no overcoat, but seemingly impervious to the cold. He looked over his shoulder at the sound of her footsteps and saw her and she couldn't help but notice that he quickly swiped his hand across his eyes before resuming his prior stance.

"Go away, Keen," he said curtly, his voice ragged with emotion.

"No," she said quietly, but firmly.

He turned at that, surprised, and even in the dim light of the roof she could see the tracks of dried tears on his cheeks. "Go home," he repeated. "I'm fine." He turned his back towards her once more and folded his arms tightly across his chest.

"No," she repeated just as firmly, "and you're _not_ fine. Stop pretending that you are." She moved behind him and placed her hand lightly on his back. She felt him flinch but, unlike the day before, he did not immediately pull away. "Talk to me, Ressler," she said pleadingly as she moved her hand lightly on his back. "You haven't been yourself for days." He shivered slightly - at the chilly wind or at her touch, she wasn't sure. But she waited patiently to see if he would finally open up.

Finally, he took a deep breath. "My brother had bypass surgery today. I should have been there," he said tightly as he stared off into the distance at the lights of the city.

"Did he come through ok?" Liz asked gently, fearing the worst.

Ressler nodded, not entirely trusting his voice. "Yeah, he's fine. But he might not have been. I should have been there," he repeated and he swiped angrily at his eyes again, "and please don't tell me it's my job to be here or wherever else Cooper and Reddington send me. I've heard enough of that already."

"I wasn't going to say that," Liz said softly. Ressler turned towards her and the look on his face nearly broke her heart. She reached up and gently swiped at the hint of moisture in the corner of his eye. "I was going to agree with you, and say I'm sorry that you couldn't be with your brother today. I wish you had said something. I have a feeling Reddington might have understood."

Ressler hung his head. "That's what I keep beating myself up for. For not opening my mouth. I'm still putting this job over everything and I gotta stop doing that or I'm gonna have nothing left..." His voice trailed off and he blinked rapidly.

LIz's heart ached for him. Samar's right, she thought. This job is eating him alive. She wrapped an arm around his back and rested her cheek on his arm. She could feel his ragged breathing through his shirt.

After a moment, he continued, "It was one thing when I thought what we were doing mattered, you know? I mean _really_ mattered. Not just to Reddington, but to the country. But now? After this past year? I'm not so sure. I'm not sure it's enough anymore." His voice cracked. After a few moments, he shook his head. "Go home, Liz," he said sadly. "You've got Tom and Agnes waiting for you. You don't need to be standing her on a freezing cold rooftop listening to me complain. I'll be fine."

"No," she repeated once more, gently but firmly. "Tom can wait." She moved so she was standing facing Ressler and she reached down and took his cold hands in hers and squeezed them tightly. "There is nowhere else I need to be right now that is more important than being here with you." Ressler stared at her for a moment and then bowed his head and rested it on her shoulder. Liz wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly, seeking to put all the comfort and support she wished she had offered over the past two days into her embrace.

"Thank you," he whispered softly.


	12. Clues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler learns that Liz and Tom are splitting up; Liz learns that Ressler can't let Reven Wright's death go.

The next morning, Liz arrived at the Post Office and found Aram casting anxious glances toward's Cooper's office.

"What's going on?" she asked as she looked up. Cooper was pacing in his office and shouting into his speakerphone.

"As far as I can tell, Mr. Reddington intercepted the FBI convoy and abducted Isabella Stone last night," Aram replied. "Mr. Cooper is _not_ happy."

"No, I can't imagine he would be," Liz sighed. "Ressler here yet?"

"Yeah, I think he's in the office," Aram waved in the general direction of their shared office.

"Ok, thanks. Let me know if anything else happens." With a last glance towards her boss's office, she headed for her own. The office was empty, but waiting on her desk was a cup of coffee from her favorite coffee place. Liz couldn't help but smile as she opened the coffee gratefully. _I hope this is a good sign_ , she thought. Ressler had seemed noticeably calmer by the time she'd left him last night, but she hoped nothing had changed overnight. She was determined to not let her own distractions prevent her from being more present and aware of her partner's problems going forward.

A few minutes later, Ressler appeared in the doorway. "Cooper wants to see us all for a briefing. Apparently, we have a new case."

"Ok," Liz sighed as she got up. "Thanks for the coffee, by the way - everything ok with your brother still? No change?"

Ressler flashed her a grin, "Yeah, I got to talk to him this morning. He sounded real good. Thanks for asking," he added softly.

"I'm so glad to hear that," Liz said as she squeezed his forearm and followed him into the War Room.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were on the road to Philadelphia to hunt for clues to the whereabouts of the Architect.

_He's definitely calmer today_ , Liz thought as she watched Ressler drive. She wasn't sure if it had to do with his brother's condition or something more, but whatever it was, she was grateful for it.

As if reading her mind, Ressler glanced over at her, "I'm sorry I was a bear the last few days, Keen."

"You've got nothing to apologize for," Liz replied. "You were perfectly justified."

Ressler shrugged. "Maybe and maybe not, but I'm sorry anyway."

Liz swiveled in her seat so she was facing him. "Look, I may not have a choice about this life, about being involved with Reddington. But you do. You do - and Samar and Aram and Cooper - you all do. You all have a choice to walk away. And I'm both grateful and relieved every day that you don't, because I don't think I could do this job without you." She felt tears prick her eyes because it was the truth. She depended on all of them - but on Ressler in particular. Samar's comment that she needed to let him go had weighed heavily on her because, selfishly, she didn't think she could. She needed him now more than ever.

Ressler flicked his eyes towards her and his expression softened as he saw the tears shining in her eyes. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere. I just gotta find a way to find a better balance," he added. "And taking down a couple of real big bad guys wouldn't hurt either."

Liz laughed. It was true. The sacrifices of the job always felt easier to bear when they knew they were making a real difference. They rode in silence for a few more minutes.

"I told Tom it's over between us and that I want to separate," she said softly. Ressler looked at her, startled.

"You're serious?" He asked incredulously. "When did that happen?"

"A few days ago," she sighed. "It's why I was so distracted, I guess. Not that that's really an excuse..."

"No, this is big news Liz. You sure this is what you want?" Ressler asked, concerned.

"Yes, I'm sure,". Liz replied firmly. "I'm _very_ sure. The problem is just getting it to happen. We had the conversation and then the very next morning, his father's plane crashed and ever since then - he's been all focused on his past. I can't exactly push the issue when he's dealing with all of this. That wouldn't be fair."

"His father? Susan Hargrave's husband?" Ressler asked, slowly putting the pieces together.

"The same," Liz said. "Tom's started looking into his past more closely - why he was taken from his parents in the first place, how he ended up where he is. It's complicated."

"Complicated sounds like an understatement," Ressler commented wryly.

"Yeah," Liz sighed.

"I don't mean to pry," Ressler asked carefully, "but what made you decide you want to separate? I thought you two were giving it another go?"

Liz shook her head. "That's complicated too. It was a lot of things, but it all basically comes down to the fact that I'm in love with the _idea_ of Tom, not the real Tom. I loved the guy I married the first time, four years ago, and I cling to those little glimpses of him that I see in real Tom. But real Tom has a hell of lot more sides than that bookish teacher. And the problem is - every time I see those sides, I don't like them. But he is who he is, and I have to accept that, or not. I was trying to make it work for Agnes's sake. I really wanted her to have both her parents. But I've realized that's not a good enough reason for two people to stay together."

"You had a good relationship with your adoptive father, didn't you?" Ressler asked.

"I did," Liz replied. "He was wonderful. But I always wished I had a mother too."

"But Agnes will have both of you, even if you're not living together, won't she?" Ressler asked carefully.

Liz nodded. "She will. Tom's great with her, and I'm sure he'll continue to be. I don't intend to shut him out. But I need to move on and stop trying to recapture a fantasy life that never really existed except in my own mind. I need to stand on my own two feet."

"Well, for what's worth, I have absolute confidence that you can do exactly that," Ressler replied with a smile. _And you have no idea how happy I am to hear that you want to_ , he thought.

* * *

Ressler had to admit that hunting for clues with Liz was more fun than most assignments he had received lately. He felt lighter than he had in days and the news of Liz's impending separation had only improved his mood.

When her phone rang in between their first two stops, he watched her as she spoke to who he could only assume was Tom in hushed tones. He tried his best not to listen. He was more focused on her facial expressions, which looked pained.

"Everything ok?" he asked when she hung up.

Liz shook her head. "This rabbit hole he is going down...I get why he wants to, and I can't tell him not to...but I'm worried. I'm worried he's going to get in deeper than he should and uncover things he shouldn't."

"Like what?" Ressler asked.

Liz pursed her lips. "I don't know, but Reddington has told him to leave the past alone. A past where someone kidnapped him from his parents and made the world think he was dead. A past that set him on the path to being a spy for hire. I can't help but worry for Agnes if he starts digging too deeply into that."

Ressler nodded in agreement but kept his mouth shut. "We're here," he said, gesturing towards their next stop, a smoothie shop.

* * *

"I can't believe you just smashed that box with your shoe!" Liz exclaimed as they got back in the car to leave. "I mean, what if it had been something fragile in there!"

Ressler shrugged. "Well, there wasn't and it saved us time. At least we didn't have to drink a rabbit food smoothie to get the clue," he said, eyeing the sign balefully.

Liz couldn't help but laugh at the expression on his face. "Have you ever had a veggie smoothie?" she asked.

Ressler shook his head and gave her a withering look. "What do you think? I'm not a vegan."

"Well you, sir, are in for a treat." Before he could stop her, Liz slid out of the passenger seat and went back to the window to make her purchase. He groaned when he saw her return with two cups filled with green liquid.

"I am _not_ going to drink that," he said as he pulled out of the parking space.

"You're going to _try_ it," Liz said firmly. "If you don't like it, I won't make you try it again."

Ressler glared at her. "This mom thing has gone to your head."

"Yep, drink up!" she said cheerfully as she passed him his cup.

Ressler knew there was no fighting with her. He took a tentative sip. "It's not bad," he admitted and he couldn't help but fight a smile.

"Admit it! You like it!" Liz said gleefully as she punched him playfully in the arm.

He shrugged. "I've had worse." This time, the grin broke through over the straw. "What's in it?"

Liz laughed again. "I'm not going to tell you. Just enjoy it."

Ressler raised an eyebrow but wisely decided not to press the matter further.

* * *

The light mood lasted until they stepped off the elevator at the Post Office and were greeted by Cooper, who pulled Ressler aside to speak to him.

Liz headed into the War Room and handed Aram the flash drive they found in Philadelphia and then headed into her shared office. She arrived to find Ressler seated at his desk, head bowed and resting in his hands.

"What's wrong? Is it your brother?" Liz asked, concerned.

Ressler looked up at her, his face suddenly haggard. All the levity of the morning was gone. "No, it's Reven Wright. Apparently, the investigation into her disappearance has been officially closed."

"How is that possible?" Liz exclaimed. "She was the head of the Justice Department! Her death can't just be swept under the rug!"

"Are you really asking me that?" Ressler replied wearily. "Think about it, Liz. Diane Fowler? She just disappeared too. We've seen enough of how things really work."

"So what now?" Liz asked. "It's just..over?"

"It's not over for me," Ressler sighed. "I can't just let it go."

"Maybe you should," Liz said cautiously. "I mean, if it's been closed - you might be opening a whole world of trouble for yourself if you pursue it."

Ressler stared at her. "You, of all people, should _want_ me to pursue this, Liz. That woman died trying to keep you safe. You lived because of the protocols she put in place. Can you honestly say you want me to ignore the fact she got murdered doing that?"

"Believe me, I understand the sacrifices Reven Wright made for me," Liz snapped. "I do. And I am so grateful to her. But I don't want to lose _you_ just to avenge _her_. Do _you_ understand where _I'm_ coming from? This is high stakes, Ressler. If the investigation has been closed, it's because the people in power want it closed. You could get yourself killed, fighting this. You saw how they came after me. Can you honestly say this is a good idea in light of that?"

They glared at each other across their respective desks for a moment, before Ressler stood up.

"I have to do this, Liz. I'm gonna go insane if I don't try to make things right." He turned and strode out of the office.

Liz sank into her chair and buried her own head in her hands. _I can't lose him to this_ , she thought. _I just can't. Not now_.

* * *

Liz had no opportunity to broach the subject with Ressler again until hours later when the Architect was caught, and a file delivery arrived in their shared office.

"Are you crazy?" she hissed when the messenger left. "You're going to get yourself killed, re-opening this case."

"I told you earlier, this is something I have to do. Can't you understand that?" he pleaded. "I have to make this right."

Liz noted the set of his shoulders and the glint in his eye. _There's no fighting this_ , she thought.

"Ok," she sighed. "But you are not doing this alone. Can you understand _that_? She died because of me. If you're in, _I'm_ in, ok?"

Ressler stared at her for a moment and then smiled faintly. "Ok, Keen. You've got yourself a deal."


	13. He has me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler is injured while helping Liz hunt for Dembe.

Liz glanced at her watch as she arrived at the Post Office. 8:05. She smiled to herself. This was the most on-time she'd been in the last few weeks since Tom had left for New York. _I'm finally getting the hang of this,_ she thought. _By next week, I'll be here by 8._ She'd underestimated some of the challenges of single parenting, but there was no doubt that she and Agnes were finding their groove. Cooper had been very understanding, and with Dembe in the wind, they'd had no new cases from Reddington to contend with, so that had helped somewhat in terms of finding a new routine.

"Agent Keen! We have a lead!" Aram exclaimed as she exited the elevator. Liz hurried to join the team at Aram's workstation. "An anonymous tip called in a report of man matching Dembe's description at a lumber warehouse in Alexandria. We requested the surveillance feeds and I can't be sure, but it certainly might be him." Aram loaded the grainy screens onto the overhead monitors.

"Ressler, Keen, get out to that warehouse and check it out," Cooper ordered.

* * *

"You were early today," Ressler observed as he maneuvered the SUV out of the parking lot.

"Let's be honest," Liz laughed. "I wasn't early but I was practically on time. These days, that feels like a huge accomplishment, so I'll take it."

"You're doing great, Keen," Ressler replied. "Don't sell yourself short. Have you heard from Tom?" he added cautiously.

Liz shrugged. "He called briefly the other night. Couldn't say much. It's not like I can put Agnes on the phone with him, you know? He called to let me know that he still has no idea when he'll be back in D.C."

Ressler raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like this separation became very real maybe a little faster than you intended."

Liz sighed. "Yeah, I can't say I imagined totally single parenting right from day one. But you know what? It's like trial by fire and it's been really good. I really feel like I've got this. Every day it gets a little bit easier. I think whenever he does come back, he's going to be surprised. It's only confirmed for me that I made the right decision."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they pulled up in front of the warehouse. Despite the fact it was a Friday, there was no sign of activity anywhere near the building.

"I don't like this," Ressler muttered under his breath as they stood in the doorway of the dark and musty warehouse. Piles of building materials stretched as far as their eyes could see. "He could be anywhere. We should call for backup. We can't clear this place on our own."

"If it really is Dembe, I don't think he'd hurt us," Liz mused.

"You don't know that - look at what he allegedly did to Reddington," Ressler exclaimed. "If he feels cornered there's no telling what he'll do. And if it's not Dembe, we could be walking into something else altogether."

Liz sighed. "You're right. I still have such a hard time admitting Dembe is capable of what he's been accused of." She reached for her radio. Before she could call it in, they both jumped as a pile of building materials crashed to the ground about twenty feet to their right.

"Forget that - no time," Ressler said as he ran ahead of her into the dimly lit warehouse, gun drawn. Liz followed closely behind him as they moved rapidly down the aisle. When they reached a corner where another aisle intersected Ressler held up his hand to signal for her to stop and they waited quietly, listening for a sound that would indicate where a man might be hiding. She was so close that she could smell the damp wool of Ressler's blue overcoat mixed with the familiar scent of his aftershave. Suddenly, there was a noise above them and in the next instant, Liz was knocked to the ground as a man jumped down on top of them. Liz gasped from the impact and and scrambled to locate her gun which had been knocked out of her hand. All she could see was limbs flying as Ressler and the suspect - who was clearly _not_ Dembe - fought. Suddenly, the man lurched out of Ressler's grasp, grabbed a 2x4 off the nearest pile and landed a crushing blow to the back of Ressler's head. Ressler dropped like a stone and lay motionless, face down on the warehouse floor. The 2x4 clattered on the floor as his assailant ran down the aisle and disappeared into the darkness.

"Ressler!" Liz screamed as she struggled to her feet and ran to her partner's side. She grabbed his wrist and frantically checked for a pulse. It was faint and thready and she knew he needed medical attention right away. Liz quickly reached for her radio. "Aram, I need a medic at this location right now. Ressler's down. Blow to the back of the head."

"I'm on it, Agent Keen," Aram replied, his voice crackling over the radio. She could hear his voice relaying the necessary information in the background. "Are you ok?" he asked as he returned to the line.

"I'm fine. But you gotta get them here fast, you hear me? He's totally out, not responding."

"They know. They should be there within 10 minutes. Agent Navabi will meet you at the hospital. Was it Dembe?" Aram added hesitantly.

"No, I don't know who it was, but it definitely wasn't Dembe." Liz put down the radio and turned her attention back to Ressler.

"Ressler, come on, wake up" she hissed as she patted his face gently, her heart pounding. She didn't dare try to move him, and he remained entirely unresponsive. She hoped the blow had not fractured his skull. Even in the dim light, she could see blood matted in his blonde hair. She kept her other hand on his pulse as she waited anxiously for the paramedics to arrive. It was still weak, but seemed steady. Finally, she heard the welcome sound of sirens in the distance.

Liz stepped back to allow the paramedics to check Ressler and finally located her gun under a nearby pile of materials. She watched as the paramedics carefully turned her partner over and lifted him onto a stretcher. She followed the stretcher out to the waiting ambulance, anxiously scanning Ressler's face for any sign of consciousness. As they loaded him into the ambulance, Liz heard him moan and she quickly climbed in after the paramedic and moved to his side.

"Keen?" he said weakly as he grimaced and moved his head slowly from side to side. He opened his eyes briefly and then squeezed them shut again, his face contorted. She could see he must be in excruciating pain.

"I'm right here," she said gently as she grabbed his hand and laced her fingers through his. "We're gonna get you taken care of."

"My head..." his voice trailed off as he grimaced again. "What happened?" he croaked.

"You got hit with a 2x4," she replied gently. "It wasn't Dembe, it was someone else. Just rest. I'm right here. You're gonna be fine."

She squeezed his hand but Ressler continued to move restlessly on the stretcher.

"Just relax, Agent Ressler," the paramedic said. "You have a concussion. We're going to bring you in and get you checked out and see how bad it is."

Liz could see that Ressler still seemed unusually agitated.

"Keen..." he said even more weakly. She leaned in closer to try to hear him better.

"Just relax. You don't need to talk..." She stopped as she felt his fingers grip hers hard. Clearly there was something he needed to tell her. "What is it?" she asked, concerned.

"No...drugs..." Ressler managed before he slipped back into unconsciousness.

Liz glanced up at the paramedic who looked at her quizzically. "He was addicted to pain killers a couple years ago," Liz said. "He doesn't want you to give him anything. Make sure that goes in the notes." The paramedic nodded in acknowledgment.

"I'll make sure that information gets relayed. He's your partner?"

"Yes," Liz replied and she continued to hold Ressler's hand the rest of the way to the hospital.

* * *

When they arrived, the ER staff whisked Ressler away, leaving Liz to pace anxiously in the waiting room.

"Liz?" Liz turned around to see Samar striding towards her.

"How is he?" Samar asked.

Liz shook her head. "No update yet. But he was conscious in the ambulance."

Samar put her hand on Liz's arm. "That's good. He'll be fine. Are you ok?"

Liz nodded. "I'm fine. Just got the wind knocked out of me, but I'm not hurt."

Samar pursed her lips. "Why don't you go home. See Agnes. Relax. I'll stay and I'll call you as soon as we know what's going on with Ressler."

Liz shook her head. "No, I need to stay until I know what's going on. I'm fine, really."

Samar shrugged. "Suit yourself." She handed Liz a set of keys. "I thought you might say that, so I brought you a vehicle so you can get home whenever you're ready. Call me when you have an update."

Liz smiled faintly as she accepted the keys. "Thanks, Samar. I will."

After Samar left, Liz sat down and tried to distract herself with a magazine, but her mind kept returning to the morning's events. _If_ _only I hadn't dropped my gun_ , she thought. _None of this would've happened_.

* * *

After what felt like hours, a doctor finally appeared in the waiting room. "Agent Keen?" he called out, scanning the room. Liz got up and walked over to him.

"That's me. How's my partner?"

"He's conscious and resting. You can see him now." The doctor gestured towards a nearby curtain and Liz followed him obediently.

"The good news is, there's no skull fracture," the doctor added as they walked. "We ran a CT scan and put in a couple of stitches. He does have a concussion, but he's going to be fine. I'll be right in to discuss next steps."

Liz felt a wave of relief wash over her. When they reached the curtain, Liz slipped inside and found Ressler lying on the bed, his eyes closed. He opened them briefly at the sound of her footsteps and smiled weakly. "Hey, Keen."

"Hey," she said softly as she crossed over to the bed and put her hand on his shoulder. "You scared me back there."

"Turns out I've got a pretty thick skull," he replied. "Good thing, right?" He opened one eye again in a half wink and Liz couldn't help but laugh.

"Well, I know you're getting better if you're joking around."

"If I don't laugh about it, I'm gonna go crazy. I really hate hospitals. I can't wait to get out of here" Ressler replied grimly.

"How's your head?" Liz asked gently.

"Feels like it's about to split wide open."

"You sure they can't give you something? There has to be something non-addictive..." Liz stopped as Ressler shook his head firmly, wincing as he did so.

"Not taking any chances" he said in a tone that signaled further argument would be futile.

Liz squeezed his arm in understanding and settled down on a plastic guest chair to wait for the doctor. They didn't have to wait long.

"I have good news and bad news, Agent Ressler," the doctor began as Ressler eyed him warily. "The good news is, I can discharge you today. The bad news is, because of your concussion, I can only do that only if you have someone who can stay with you for the next couple of days and monitor your condition. Especially these first 24 hours - someone needs to wake you up every few hours, make sure nothing changes for the worse. Otherwise, I'll have to admit you overnight."

Ressler clenched his jaw. "No, I don't have anyone," he said stiffly. "Do I really have to stay here?" He looked at the doctor pleadingly.

"I'm sorry Agent Ressler," the doctor replied as he turned to leave. "But we really can't take the chance. I really am sorry."

Liz couldn't bear the look of misery on Ressler's face and knew immediately what she needed to do. "He does have someone," she said quickly as both the doctor and Ressler turned to look at her in surprise. "He has me. He can stay with me."

"Liz, I can't..." Ressler protested but Liz cut him off.

"You can, and you will. _He will_ ," she repeated looking at the doctor. She turned back to Ressler. "I'm not leaving you here overnight."

The doctor shrugged. "If I were you, Agent Ressler, I'd let your partner help since she's willing. Definitely beats a night in this place. We're short rooms right now and you could be stuck in this curtain for hours."

Ressler exhaled in defeat. "Ok, Keen. Looks like you got yourself a patient tonight." The doctor nodded, satisfied. "I'll go prepare the discharge paperwork."

When they were alone again, Ressler glanced at Liz. "You really sure about this? You got a kid to worry about. You don't need to be up every few hours with me."

"Yes, I'm sure," Liz replied firmly. "No more arguments, ok? Just rest."

Ressler nodded wearily and closed his eyes once more. It took nearly an hour for the doctor to reappear with the necessary paperwork.

"Ok, sorry that took a while. Agent Keen, you need to wake up Agent Ressler every 2-3 hours until this time tomorrow. When you wake him, keep him up for a bit, keep him talking. Watch for any signs of changes in his cognitive abilities. Feed him light foods only - liquids, broth, etc. He may have some nausea, vomiting even. He should start feeling better over the next few days." The doctor glanced at Ressler. "You can't return to work until we clear you, ok? You can schedule a follow up appointment for next week."

Ressler nodded grimly as Liz accepted the paperwork.

"I wish I could say I'd come to your place because I know you'd be more comfortable, but with Agnes... and Tom being gone..." Liz said when the doctor was gone, her voice trailing off.

"It's fine, Keen," Ressler murmured. "I'm just grateful you're getting me out of here. I'm certainly not gonna complain about not being able to go home." He sat up slowly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "My shoes are under there somewhere," he said waving his hand in the general direction of the underside of the bed.

Liz fumbled under the bed, found the shoes and held them while Ressler slid his feet into them.

"I got it," she said as Ressler attempted to bend down to do the laces. She couldn't help but notice that he looked paler already just from the effort of sitting up. She tied the shoes and sat back on her heels waiting for him to make the first move to get up.

"You want me to get a wheelchair?" she asked, concerned at how ashen he looked.

"No," he replied as he gripped the side of the bed. "I gotta hit the head before we leave though."

Liz got up and offered her hand to steady him as he stood up. Almost immediately, little beads of sweat broke out on his upper lip and he sank back down on the edge of the bed as he waved his arm wildly towards a nearby basin. Liz grabbed the basin and held it as he vomited. When he was finished, she carefully placed the basin in the corner of the room and handed him a tissue to wipe his mouth.

Ressler looked up at her, his face crimson with embarassment. "Jesus, Keen, I'm sorry about that. Maybe you should leave me here. I'm a goddamn mess. You don't need to deal with that."

Liz chuckled. "I'm a mother, Ressler. A little puke doesn't scare me. You want to rest a bit longer before we go, though?"

Ressler shifted on the bed. "No, I think I can manage this now." He steeled himself and stood up, still pale, but steadier than before.

Liz held his arm to steady him as they walked the short distance to the bathroom and waited outside the door until he emerged, still pale but not as ashen as before.

"I really think you should let me get a wheelchair," she said. "At least you'll have someplace to sit while I go get the car."

Ressler glared at her for a moment and then nodded in silent acquiescence. Clearly, his head was bothering him more than he wanted to admit. Liz procured the chair from the nearby nurse's station and wheeled him out to the main entrance.

Liz retrieved the SUV Samar had left for her and helped Ressler into the passenger seat. "You want me to stop at your place and pick up stuff on the way to mine? Or we can go straight to mine and I can go back out and get what you need?"

Ressler hesitated for a moment before replying. "I guess we better stop at my place first. Easier if I can get my own things."

Twenty minutes later, they pulled up in front of Ressler's apartment building. Ressler eased himself out of the SUV. He was still pale, but steadier on his feet than he'd been at the hospital. He moved efficiently through the apartment, collecting clothes and toiletries from the bathroom. As he gathered his things, Liz took note of how neat and orderly his apartment always was. All the times she had shown up there unexpectedly, it always looked the same.

He glanced longingly at the bed as they left the apartment. "I'm lucky I keep my eyes open in the car," he groaned. "All I want to do is sleep."

"I know," Liz replied as she took his arm to steady him. "And you can do exactly that when you get back to my place. Just a few minutes longer, ok?"

Ressler nodded and leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. When they arrived at Liz's apartment, Liz grabbed his bag and his arm and led him to the elevator and up to her fourth floor apartment. She unlocked the door and Ressler stepped into the apartment.

"Nice place," he commented, glancing up at the living room skylights and then squinting at the sunlight pouring through them.

"I keep forgetting you haven't been here yet!" Liz exclaimed as she shoved one of Agnes's toys out of the way with her foot.

Ressler sank down on the couch and rested his head in his hands. "Sorry I'm poor company right now, Keen," he murmured.

"Don't you dare apologize," Liz replied. "Give me two minutes and I'll have the bed ready for you."

Ressler looked up at her and shook his head. "That's crazy, Keen, I'm not gonna take your bed. I'll be fine right here," he said gesturing at the couch.

"I have another bed in Agnes's room," Liz explained. "It's where I slept just about every night before..." she hesitated "before Tom left... Anyway, it will be easier if you're in the bedroom because then I don't have to worry about keeping Agnes quiet. Let me just put clean sheets on the bed," she added breezily as she moved into the bedroom.

Ressler didn't have the energy to argue with her, and he could see her point. She needed to be able to more freely around the apartment with the baby without worrying about him. He was determined to place as little burden on her as possible.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Liz emerged from the bedroom and extended her hand to help him up from the couch. She led him into the bedroom where his bag was waiting at the foot of the bed.

"Get changed into something comfortable. The bathroom's there," she gestured. "I'll come back and check on you in a few minutes. I have my sitter bringing Agnes here so I don't have to leave. Can I get you anything?"

Ressler shook his head. "No, this is great Liz, thank you."

Ten minutes later, Liz knocked softly on the door, but received no response. She tried again a little more firmly, but still received no response. She opened the door slowly and stopped when she saw Ressler was already sound asleep. She glanced at her watch. She could let him sleep for two hours or so and then she'd have to wake him up as per the doctor's instructions. She crossed the room quietly and without even thinking, adjusted the covers over his sleeping form and smoothed his hair with her hand.

"I'm going to take good care of you," she whispered softly and her heart skipped a beat as she swore she saw him smile faintly in his sleep at her touch.


	14. Patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler and Liz spend time together as he recovers from his injury.

"Ressler...Ressler, wake up." Ressler became dimly aware of a familiar voice in his ear and a hand gently patting his shoulder. As the voice became clearer, he also became aware of a dull throbbing in his head. He opened his eyes slowly and squinted as he tried to focus on the sound and his surroundings. _Where am I?_ he thought, confused.

"Ressler, look at me," the voice continued. He blinked and his eyes settled on the familiar face of his partner, illuminated softly by the fading evening sunlight streaming in through the blinds. Suddenly, it all came flooding back. _The hospital. The concussion. Liz. Her apartment. Her bed._

"I'm so tired, Keen, let me sleep," he murmured as he closed his eyes again.

"I know," she replied softly. "But you know I can't. The doctor said I have to wake you every few hours and make sure you're ok."

Ressler squinted at her through a slitted eye. "I'm fine. Really. I just want to sleep."

Liz sighed. "I know. I'd let you if I could. But you have to wake up for a little bit and talk to me, ok?"

Ressler winced as the throbbing in his head intensified but he managed to open both eyes and meet his partner's concerned gaze. "Ok, what do you want to talk about?" he managed weakly.

"Can I get you something? Water? Soup?" Liz asked hopefully. Ressler shook his head.

"Not yet. Still a little queasy," he said, making a face as he attempted to push himself up to a seated position.

Liz sighed. "You sure? Not even water?" Ressler shook his head again.

"Let me look at your eyes," she said gently. "Can you focus on me for a second?"

Ressler sighed but did his best to hold her gaze.

"How do you feel?" she asked. "Any different?"

"I feel like I got hit in the head with a 2x4, Keen," he replied grimly. "No change there."

Liz pursed her lips. "The doctor said I need to ask you just basic questions, ok? Like - do you know where you are? Do you know what day it is?"

Ressler glared at her. "Yes, it's Friday and I'm in your apartment. In your bed, in fact. Next?"

Liz couldn't help but chuckle at the look on his face. "Ok, I'll have mercy and let you go back to sleep for now and I'll try to have more interesting questions ready the next time."

Ressler eased himself back down on the pillow and rolled on his side. As the door clicked shut behind Liz, he buried his nose in the pillow and inhaled deeply. Smells like her perfume, he observed with a faint smile as he drifted back to sleep.

* * *

By the time Liz headed to the bedroom to wake Ressler for the second time, she'd managed dinner for herself and Agnes and put Agnes to bed. The bedroom was now totally dark and she debated whether to turn on the light before or after waking Ressler. Remembering how he had squinted at the sunlight earlier in the day, she opted for the latter and crossed the room quietly in the darkness. He was still lying on his side facing away from her, in much the same position she had left him a couple of hours earlier.

"Ressler," she said softly as she patted his shoulder once more. As she felt him begin to stir, she touched his cheek lightly. "Sorry to have to wake you again," she murmured.

Ressler slowly opened his eyes and eased himself onto his back, rubbing his eyes with his hand. "What time is it?" he asked.

"Around 8:30," she replied. "You think you can handle me turning the light on?"

"Yeah," he replied as he put his arm over his eyes to shield them from the inevitable glare. Liz reached over and switched on the lamp on the bedside table.

Ressler groaned at the bright light as soon as he moved his arm away from his eyes.

"Do you want me to turn it back off?" Liz asked quickly after seeing him grimace.

"No, you don't have to," he replied wearily. "I'll be fine. Just give me a second."

Once again, he eased himself slowly into a seated position and ran his hand through his hair.

"You still know who I am, right?" Liz asked teasingly.

Ressler smirked. "Yeah, the angel of mercy who sprang me from the hospital."

Liz laughed before her face turned more serious. "Why do you hate hospitals so much, anyway? Is it because of your leg?"

Ressler shrugged. "I don't know. I never liked them much before that either, but yeah, that didn't help." His throat felt dry and he swallowed hard. "I'll take you up on that water this time, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind." Liz got up and quickly made her way to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. As he sipped it, Liz scanned his face. He was still paler than usual and his hair was sticking up in little spikes but his pupils were steady.

"What?" he asked finally, puzzled by her scrutiny.

"Oh, it's nothing...I'm just not used to seeing you so..." she struggled to find the right word, "rumpled." She grinned. "Normally you never have a hair out of place."

Ressler shrugged. "Ruining my carefully crafted image, huh?" he said as he put the glass on the bedside table.

Liz laughed. "I guess so. You hungry?" Ressler considered her question for a moment.

"Maybe a little," he admitted. The queasiness in his stomach seemed to have abated for the moment.

"I can't offer you much, since the doctor said liquids only, but I have soup?"

Ressler nodded and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I'll come out there. You don't need to be bringing that in here."

"You sure? I don't mind." Liz said.

"I'm sure. Just give me a sec," Ressler replied as his body adjusted to being more upright. He felt a little dizzy as he stood up and Liz quickly extended her arm to steady him.

"I'm ok," he said as he collected himself and followed her out to the living room.

"Where's Agnes?" he asked as he settled himself on a stool at the kitchen counter.

"I put her to bed already," Liz replied. "You'll see her tomorrow."

Ressler nodded. "I bet she's gotten big, huh?"

Liz smiled softly. "You won't even believe."

Liz put a steaming mug of chicken broth on the counter in front of him and Ressler sipped at it gratefully. The warmth of the soup seemed to help his headache recede just a little. "This is great, thanks," he said appreciatively.

Liz smiled sadly. "I'm not much of a cook, but I can do canned soup."

"Why do you always sell yourself short?" Ressler asked over the rim of the mug.

"What do you mean?" Liz asked.

"I mean - it's not the first time you've said something like that. Putting yourself down. You shouldn't do that."

"You're right," Liz sighed. "Bad habit, I guess."

Ressler nodded. They sat quietly for a few minutes while he finished the rest of the broth. He felt himself losing energy quickly and he brushed his hand over his eyes.

"So what test do I have to pass this time before I can go back to sleep?" he asked with a weak grin.

Liz put the mug in the sink. "No test. I just hope you start feeling more like yourself soon," she added, her face concerned.

"I will. I'm sorry I'm bad company tonight."

"Now who's selling himself short," Liz chuckled. "Go back to bed. I'll see you in a few hours."

* * *

The next time Ressler woke, it wasn't to the sound of Liz's voice, but to the sound of the shower running in the adjacent bathroom. He glanced at the clock. It was nearly 11 at night. His head was no longer throbbing and he definitely felt more alert. He stretched and stared at the ceiling, trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to banish thoughts of Liz in the shower from his mind. After a few minutes, the shower stopped. Moments later, Liz emerged, clad only in a towel that barely reached her upper thighs and she tiptoed across the room to her dresser.

He felt his heart rate quicken as he debated whether to say anything or to pretend to still be asleep.

"Hey," he said, finally resolving the internal dilemma.

Liz whirled, still clutching the towel around herself, and looked vaguely embarrassed. "I'm sorry that I woke you," she said hastily. "I forgot to get my clothes before I went in there. I'll just be a second."

"Don't rush on my account," Ressler said lightly and Liz felt her cheeks flush at his openly admiring gaze. She turned back to her drawer, practically feeling his eyes burning into her back as she retrieved her clothes. She quickly ducked back into the bathroom, avoiding his eyes, and slipped into her t-shirt and pajama pants.

She leaned against the bathroom door after she was dressed and exhaled slowly, her heart pounding. _What just happened_ , she thought. _He couldn't possibly..._

On the other side of the door, Ressler shifted on the bed uneasily. He hoped he hadn't embarrassed her too badly. _Probably should_ _have pretended to still be asleep_ , he thought.

After a few minutes, Liz emerged, and even in the dim light he could see that her face was flushed, whether from the hot shower or embarrassment, he wasn't sure. She perched on the edge of the bed. "Glad to see you woke up on your own," she said quietly. "I guess you're feeling better?"

"Yeah," he replied, unsure what to say. "Do you mind if I...?" he gestured towards the now-empty bathroom.

"No, of course not. Go ahead," she replied as Ressler slid out of bed and made his way into the bathroom. The room was heavy with steam from her shower and he couldn't help but notice the familiar scent of her shampoo lingering in the air. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. _Dammit, you need to get a grip_ , he thought.

When he emerged, Liz was still seated on the edge of the bed. "How's your head?" she asked.

"Better," he replied. "Not pounding anymore."

He sat down on the bed next to her and hung his head. "I hope I didn't embarrass you," he said softly, his eyes averted. "And if I did, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

Liz felt her heart beat faster. "No, it's fine," she said quickly. "I was just getting ready to head to bed. Can I get you anything?"

Ressler shook his head. "No, thank you. Sleep well."

"Well, I'll see you in a few more hours, I guess," Liz replied as she stood up. She paused and reached out and touched his cheek lightly. "You sleep well too." Ressler glanced up at her touch, his face now slightly pained. Liz hesitated for a moment and then turned and walked out the door.

Ressler exhaled slowly as he watched her leave and then stretched out once more on the bed. _What did you expect?_ he berated himself. _She doesn't think of you that way. You're here because you're a patient, that's all._ He stared at the ceiling moodily, his arms folded behind his head, sleep suddenly elusive.

Next door, Liz tossed and turned on the narrow bed in Agnes's room, replaying the scene in her mind. _What was that look?_ she thought. _Surely he doesn't..he couldn't._.. There was a time a long time ago when she'd been sure that Ressler was interested in her. But the look on his face tonight - a mixture of admiration and longing - had startled her. Even more startling was her own response, because as she'd stood in the bathroom, she'd imagined for a split second throwing caution to the wind and dropping the towel instead of getting dressed. She had no doubt what the outcome of that would have been, and the thought both thrilled and terrified her. _We're both lonely_ , she thought. _Maybe it would do us both some good_. _But you can't go back once you go there_ , she argued with herself. _And he's only here because he's hurt._ Eventually, she drifted into a restless sleep.

* * *

The buzzing of her phone alarm jolted her awake a few hours later and she hastily reached to silence it before it woke Agnes. She stumbled out of bed sleepily and headed into the bedroom to wake Ressler. He was lying on his back, one arm slung over his head, his face calm and peaceful in the moonlight. She stood there and watched him for a moment, hating to disturb him. Judging from her prior check-ins, he was probably fine and she almost turned and headed back to bed. But the doctor's instructions had been clear and so she crossed the room and knelt on the bed next to him.

"Ressler," she whispered softly as she patted his cheek once more. His eyelids fluttered but he barely stirred.

"Ressler," she tried, a little louder. He stirred slightly again, but still did not awaken.

"Hey," she said. She ran her hands lightly over his arms and chest, feeling the ripples of his lean muscles through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. "Ressler, wake up."

Finally, his eyes opened and he blinked at her, confused.

"Keen?" he asked as his eyes flickered from side to side.

Liz was suddenly concerned and she leaned in close enough that Ressler could feel her breath on his cheek. "Yes, it's me. Do you know where you are?"

Ressler blinked rapidly as he gazed around the room and the rumpled bed before turning his eyes back to hers.

"I think so," he began slowly.

Liz frowned. "Ok, where?"

Ressler licked his lips. "'I'm in your apartment. This is your room," he added.

Liz exhaled. "Yes. Do you know why?"

"Yes," he sighed as he closed his eyes once more. "Head injury."

"Ok, good," Liz breathed. "You had me worried there for a second."

Ressler smiled faintly. "Didn't mean to alarm you. I think I was just more deeply asleep this time. I'm sorry."

"No - I just thought..." Liz shook her head. "Keep talking to me for a few minutes, ok? I'll feel better if I know you're really fine."

Ressler nodded wearily. "What do you want to talk about?"

Liz stretched out on the bed next to him and fingered the covers. "I don't know. What would _you_ like to talk about?"

Ressler opened one eye and glanced at the clock at then at her. "Well, it's 2 in the morning. So whatever we talk about, it's gotta be interesting enough to keep us awake. So what's on your mind, Keen? What deep dark secrets do you want me to reveal in my moment of weakness?"

Liz bit her lip. His tone was light and joking but she was tempted to ask him something serious, especially after the look he had given her earlier.

Her silence prompted Ressler to open both eyes and lean up on his elbow, his forehead furrowed. "You really do have something on your mind, Keen. What is it?"

Liz hesitated again. She wasn't sure how or what to ask him, or how she would react to any answer he might give. In the end, she lost her nerve. "Tell me about your brother. The one who had surgery. What's he like?" she said finally.

Ressler arched an eyebrow. "Is that really what you want me to talk about at 2 am?"

Liz nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Ressler sighed and began to tell her little bits about Pete. She asked him some questions in the beginning, but as time went on, the sound of his low voice was soothing and Liz eventually felt her eyelids flutter. She knew she should get up and go back to her own room but her limbs felt heavy and she didn't want to move.

Ressler could see that Liz was beginning to drift off. He debated whether to rouse her and send her back to her bed but he really didn't want to. He debated whether to get up and move to the couch in the living room once it was clear she was truly asleep in order to save her further embarrassment in the morning. Instead, he did none of those things and closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him once more.

* * *

When he woke again, the room was bathed in sunlight and it was clear that more than a few hours had passed. Liz was asleep on the other side of the bed facing him, her lips gently parted and her dark hair, still slightly damp from the shower, framing her face in the sunlight.

Ressler watched her for a while, hardly daring to move. His heart was thudding so hard in his chest he thought the noise would surely wake her. There was something so intimate about watching her sleep. He tried to imagine what it would be like to wake up like this every day. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her, to kiss her - hell, to make love to her. But that would be taking advantage of her kindness, and could potentially destroy their relationship. He wasn't willing to risk that. Not to mention she was only weeks separated from the last man who had shared this bed with her. As he watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest, it was harder and harder to resist touching her. He wanted her - badly - and his entire body was tense with desire and nervous anticipation. _Don't go there_ , he thought. _You might ruin everything_. _Or maybe it's exactly what we need._ _She didn't invite you into her bed to make a move on her,_ he reminded himself. _The first move has to come from her, not you._

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and he got up as quietly as he could manage, grabbed the bag he had dropped on the floor the night before, and stepped into the bathroom and turned on the shower to the coldest setting. _Dammit_ , he thought as he stepped into the icy spray and rested his forehead on the smooth tiled wall, already regretting the lost opportunity. _You're such a fool._

* * *

Liz woke up a short while later and was startled to find herself both in her bedroom and alone in her bed until her brain registered the sound of the shower running in the bathroom. She felt vaguely disappointed as she stared at the empty side of the bed next to her. _What's wrong with you?_ she thought. _Did you really expect to_ _wake up next to him?_ Her mind returned to the lean muscles she had felt under his t-shirt the night before and she couldn't help but imagine those muscles in her shower. _Just go join him_ , she thought. _What's the worst that can happen?_ She had just about made up her mind to do it when she heard the water shut off. _Dammit_ , she thought.

A short while later, Ressler stepped out of the bathroom, fully clothed and shaved. "Morning," he said as he saw she was awake. He sat down on the edge of the bed, carefully keeping his distance from her as he tried to gauge her mood.

"Morning," she replied and his heart skipped a beat as her dimples broadened into a full smile. "I guess I crashed."

"Yeah, you did," he replied evenly. "I didn't mind."

She held his gaze silently, a part of her willing him to come lie back down next to her, but he remained distant.

"How's your head?" she asked finally.

"Better, thanks." His expression was unreadable.

Suddenly, Liz heard babbling through the wall. _Agnes_. She sighed. "Guess the baby's awake."

Ressler grinned and seemed almost relieved. "Great, I can't wait to see her."

* * *

_He's great with her,_ she thought an hour later as she watched Ressler make silly faces at Agnes.

"You hungry?" she asked from the kitchen. Ressler looked up from the floor where he was seated with Agnes.

"Yes, starving. Please tell me I'm allowed to have real food now."

Liz laughed. "I think that might violate the doctor's orders, but I guess we can try as long as you promise not to blame me if you get sick again." She peered into the fridge. "Eggs?"

"Sounds good," he replied.

After breakfast, Liz stood at the living room window sipping her coffee. "Looks like a beautiful day. I don't want to push if you're not up to it, but there's a park near here if you think you can handle a short walk?" She turned and looked at him quizzically.

"I think I can manage that," he said. "Let's go."

Two hours later, Liz smiled from a nearby bench as Ressler gently pushed a giggling Agnes on a baby swing. They had walked around for a bit and eventually settled at the playground. The weather was lovely and mild and the parked was packed with families. It felt so natural being there with him. So natural that it was almost unnerving.

After a while, however, she noticed him stumble slightly and hold his hand to his forehead. She got up and walked over to him quickly.

"You ok?" she asked, concerned.

"Yeah," he said. "Just dizzy for a second. Can you get her?" he said, gesturing at Agnes. "I'm just gonna sit down for a minute."

Liz retrieved Agnes from the swing and followed him to the bench. She put Agnes back in her stroller and then sat next to Ressler and placed her hand lightly on his back. She couldn't help but notice that his face looked much paler again.

"Maybe we should head back," she said gently. "This is probably too much."

Ressler leaned back on the bench and closed his eyes. "You're probably right," he sighed. "But I'd much rather stay here with you two."

Liz smiled and squeezed his arm. "There'll be plenty of other days for us to do this. Right now, you need to rest." She stood up and held out her hand to help him up.

"Promise?" he asked, his tone suddenly serious. He looked up at her without moving.

"Promise what?" she asked, puzzled.

"Promise there'll be other days," he said softly.

"I promise," she replied firmly. And she meant it.

* * *

When they returned to the apartment, Ressler headed back to bed, his head clearly bothering him more than he wanted to admit. Liz busied herself with Agnes and with straightening up the apartment but her mind kept returning to the look on Ressler's face at the park when he had made her promise they'd have another day. A look of longing that was entirely different from the look of longing he'd given her the night before. _I wish I knew what he's thinking_ , she thought. He'd been such a steady, reliable presence in her life ever since he'd rescued her from Kirk. But lately, he'd become more withdrawn, more preoccupied and Samar's warnings about his state of mind were still fresh in her memory. She resolved to try to figure out what was really going on with him when they next had a chance to talk.

She waited until Agnes was down for her nap before she headed back into the bedroom to check on him again. This time, she stretched out on the bed next to him, her face close to his, before attempting to wake him.

"Ressler," she said softly as she cupped his cheek and rubbed it lightly with her thumb. Slowly his eyes fluttered open and he looked startled for a moment to see her lying so close before his face changed into a grin.

She dropped her hand after seeing he was awake. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Much better now," he replied jokingly. He stretched languidly. I don't think I've slept this much in...well, I can't remember the last time." He rolled on his back and put his arms above his head. "It feels weird."

"It's kind of nice, though, having the down time, right?"

Ressler raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'd rather not have gotten clunked in the head to have it, but yeah - I'll take it for now. It's nice spending time with you, anyway," he added.

For the next hour, Liz lay next to him as they talked about a wide range of topics ranging from favorite foods to favorite TV shows. Eventually, there was a lull in the conversation.

"Can I ask you something serious?" Liz asked, as she propped herself up on one elbow and stared at him.

"Is this gonna be the question you really wanted to ask me at 2 am but didn't?" he asked cautiously. Liz nodded.

"Ok, what?" he replied, his tone more guarded.

"Are you happy?" she asked.

Ressler blinked. Whatever he was expecting her to say, it wasn't that. "Am I happy? You mean right now? Or with life in general?" he replied, puzzled.

"Both, I guess," she responded.

"Well right now I'd have to say yes," Ressler began slowly, "because despite my head I'm really enjoying getting to spend some time with you outside of work. Life in general? I don't know how to answer that."

"Try," Liz replied. He stared at her for a moment and then looked away.

"I think you know the answer, Liz. No, I'm not happy. We sacrifice a lot for this job. And lately, I feel like our Task Force has lost our focus, our purpose. All we do is meet Reddington's needs. All we do is break rules for him. And for what? So you feel like you're not safe, that you need to run off and hide from him? From us? How about you, Liz, are you happy since we brought you back? Be honest."

Liz licked her lips. "No, I'm not happy either. I thought I'd finally have some control over my life, you know? I'm still looking for that. Ending things with Tom was a start. But just a start."

Ressler nodded. "So that question kind of came out left field considering what we were talking about a few minutes ago. Why?"

Liz sighed. "I don't know. It's been weighing on me. This sense that you're unhappy, and it's somehow my fault."

Ressler sat up and stared at her. " _Your_ fault? Why on earth would you think that?"

Liz felt tears prick her eyes. "Because of what I did. Everything. Faking my death. Shooting Connolly. I'm just not a good person anymore."

"Liz..." Ressler rubbed his hand through his hair. "None of that matters. I told you months ago I understood why you did what you did."

"I know you did," Liz replied, unable to meet his eyes. "But I think back to the person I used to be and the person I am now and I just..." Her voice trailed off.

"Hey," he said reaching out gently and cupping her cheek. "You're still the same person you were before all of that. A good person"

"Am I?" she asked quietly.

"To me you are," he replied evenly.

She looked up at him and her eyes were like deep pools of blue. _Tell her,_ he thought. _Tell her how you really feel. There's never going to be a better time_. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding.

"Liz," he began. "There's something I..."

Just then, they both heard Agnes wail on the other side of the wall.

Ressler exhaled loudly. "What is it?" Liz asked softly. "What were you going to say?"

He shook his head. "No, It can wait."


	15. Can't You See?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler and Liz finally address their feelings.

Ressler straightened his tie and shrugged into his suit jacket before reaching for his phone and keys. He smiled as he saw a text from Liz waiting for him on the screen. "Can't wait to have you back tomorrow," it said. A glance at the time on the message showed she'd left it late the night before after he was already asleep. "See you soon," he typed before he slipped the phone into his pocket.

The doctor had finally cleared him to return to work after his head injury. If anyone had told him beforehand that he would enjoy a few weeks of forced rest, he would have called them crazy, but he had, and it was all thanks to Liz. Ever since that first weekend, they'd made it a point to get together every few days at his place or hers and he had come to treasure their time together. His only regret was that he had never quite worked up the courage to revisit his interrupted confession. Somehow the timing had never been right that day, and he'd made the conscious decision to go home and sleep in his own bed that night, wary of where another night spent in Liz's apartment might take them. As they'd spent more and more time together, he found himself increasingly reluctant to rush their relationship. In fact, he'd gone out of his way to take things slowly - _very_ slowly - between them, savoring just the simple increase in glances and touches that had accompanied their newfound familiarity. Each day they spent together was like unlocking another piece of a puzzle. He'd come to learn her favorite books, her favorite music, and her favorite foods in a matter of weeks, and she his. He'd also gradually come to realize that he wasn't quite ready to tell her how he felt. Not until he was confident she felt the same way too. He hoped that day was coming soon.

He stepped off the elevator at the Post Office and was immediately greeted by Aram who rushed forward to clap him on the back. "Agent Ressler! You're finally back!" he exclaimed.

Samar was behind Aram and gave him a warm smile as she moved beside him to walk with him to his office. "It's good to have you back," she said. "How's the head?"

"Fine," Ressler replied. "Any news on Dembe?"

"Not really," Samar replied. "Reddington's been looking, but we haven't had any real leads."

When they reached his office, Ressler paused in the doorway, surprised to find it empty. "Where's Keen?" he asked, frowning.

Samar bit her lip, her expression suddenly serious. Ressler's heart sank. _Something's wrong_ , he thought.

"Where is she?" he snapped.

"She went to New York with Cooper," Samar began cautiously. "Apparently Tom showed up unexpectedly at her apartment early this morning. He's in some sort of trouble."

"Tom? What happened? Why did she have to go to New York?" Ressler pressed.

Samar shook her head. "I don't know all the circumstances. Just that he seemed to be in trouble. On the run even, perhaps. They left pretty quickly. Took the chopper to New York. I'm sorry I don't know more. I'll let you know if I hear anything. Sounds like you two have been spending a lot of time together..." her voice trailed off.

"Yeah," Ressler replied flatly as sank into his chair. Samar gave him a long look before she retreated to give him some space. _So_ _Tom Keen's back, and in trouble_ , he thought. _Wonderful_. He rested his head in his hands, his good spirits gone. Liz had barely mentioned Tom during their time together the past few weeks. She'd explained about Tom's parents, and what he was doing in the vaguest terms, but it was clear she didn't hear from him often and she hadn't seemed particularly bothered by that fact. It had been easy - _too easy_ , upon reflection - for him to forget that Tom still technically lived with her in that apartment and that their separation was, for the moment, still a matter of words only.

The morning passed slowly but by early afternoon he heard activity in the War Room and got up to investigate. He saw Cooper leading a balding man with a grey beard up the stairs to his office.

"Who's that?" he asked Samar.

Samar shrugged. "Apparently, that's Howard Hargrave. Back from the dead."

Ressler eyed Cooper's office grimly. Liz's father-in-law. _Former_ father-in-law. _Fantastic_ , he thought. "Where's Tom?" he asked.

Samar shrugged. "I don't know. Not here."

"And Liz?" he asked, his eyes still on Cooper's office.

Samar gave him a long look before replying softly, "I don't know. I'm sorry." She touched his sleeve and went back to her desk.

* * *

It didn't take long before Liz appeared in the doorway of their shared office.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you came in," she said as she crossed the room and hugged him quickly. "How are you feeling?"

"I was better before I heard Tom showed up at your door this morning," he replied grimly. "You could have told me yourself. What's going on?"

Liz shook her head. "I'm not sure," she sighed. "His parents are at war, Susan Hargrave had Howard Hargrave locked up and had Mr. Solomon beat Tom. He barely escaped. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. There really wasn't time."

Ressler blinked in astonishment. "Mr. Solomon? The same guy who nearly killed us at the cabin last year? The same guy who shot up your wedding? I mean, I knew he was with Susan Hargrave last year, but still? After everything?"

"The same," Liz replied. "Apparently he and Tom work together now or something. Or they did. Honestly I can't explain it and I don't want to try."

Ressler shook his head. He didn't want to know either.

"What's Howard Hargrave doing here?" he asked.

"Apparently Susan was holding him prisoner at a mental facility. Cooper was able to get him released into our custody. He's heading out shortly to return to New York to meet up with Tom, though."

"So what now?" he asked.

Liz smiled wanly. "I don't know. We're still figuring that out. Look, I have to get back to Cooper's office but I just wanted to check in, make sure you're ok."

Ressler waved his hand, "Don't worry about me. Go do what you need to do."

* * *

After Liz left, he flipped a pencil angrily between his fingers. _Tom Keen_. He'd known deep down that the guy wasn't truly gone. But he'd thought - well, _hoped_ , anyway - that Liz had really put him behind her. The longer he sat, the angrier he became. He replayed all of their conversations of the past few weeks over again in his mind. He'd really, truly believed it was over between Tom and Liz. But apparently not. _You're a fool,_ he thought. _It's never going to be over between them_.

As the hours wore on, every noise in the War Room made him feel more and more on edge. Every phone call, every computer sound. He loosened his tie, but he still felt like he was suffocating. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and he stalked across the war room, down the hall and up the stairs. He jammed his key into the door and pushed it open with a bang. As he stepped out on to the roof he inhaled deep lungfuls of the fresh, cool spring air. He was too wound up to stand still and he paced back and forth restlessly.

Eventually, he heard a noise behind him and he turned. Liz was standing by the door, watching him, her arms folded across her chest.

"Ressler," she began.

"Don't, Liz," he cut her off sharply. "Just don't. I don't want to hear it right now."

She crossed over to him but kept her distance, eyeing him carefully. "What don't you want to hear?" she asked quietly.

Ressler blinked rapidly as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. "I don't want to hear how you need to help him. Why it matters. I'm sure you have good reason, but right now I just don't want to hear how he's back in your life," he replied brusquely.

Liz closed the gap between them and touched his sleeve tentatively. "Ressler..." she began again.

"Don't, Liz," he repeated, shaking her off, his voice cracking slightly despite his best efforts to maintain control.

Liz withdrew her hand and watched him for a moment. She took a deep breath. "I'm helping him because a threat to Tom is a threat to Agnes," she said in a low voice. "I wasn't lying when I said it was over between us, but he needs my help right now for her sake, if nothing else. Please try to understand that."

"I do," Ressler replied tightly. He turned his back to her and stared out at the fading sunlight, unable to meet her eyes. _I do but I don't_ , he thought. _No, I do. But I don't have to like it_. He crossed his arms tightly in front of him, willing her to go away.

He was barely aware of her footsteps approaching him from behind.

"Ressler," she said more gently, her hand resting lightly on his back. "Look at me."

He ignored her, as he felt a lump grow in his throat. "Ressler - Don - please" she repeated softly, but insistently. She tugged gently at his arm until he swallowed hard and turned to face her.

"What?" he asked, curtly.

"Whatever you think is going on, it's over between Tom and I. It's been over for weeks. I don't love him and I don't want to be with him again, not now and not ever." She took both of his hands in hers and looked up at him beseechingly. "After all the time we've spent together these past few weeks, after everything's that's happened, can't you see it?" She squeezed his hands tighter. "Can't you see, I love _you_?"

Ressler stared at her, stunned, his heart pounding. Did she really say...?

She held his gaze wordlessly, her eyes saying more than words could. Seeing his hesitation, she reached up and caressed his cheek lightly with her fingers, a gentle smile on her lips. He felt like an electric current was running through him. He could hardly breathe as he bent forward and touched her lips gently with his own, softly at first and then deeper as she responded. He grabbed the back of her head and ran his fingers through her hair as he pulled her closer. He was dimly aware that she tasted sweeter than he'd imagined. She wrapped her arms around him and stroked his back, pulling him closer against her. Finally, he pulled back, gasping and pressed her head against his chest as he embraced her. He could feel her heart pounding as hard as his as they both struggled to catch their breath. He closed his eyes. "Liz," he breathed raggedly.

She tipped her head back and smiled, her dimples deepening in both cheeks. "I love _you_ , Donald Ressler," she whispered. "I have for quite some time now." He felt like his heart might explode.

"I love you too, Elizabeth Keen. I have for a very a long time," he responded as he pressed her lips to hers once more.

"Take me home," she said softly as the sunset painted the roof in soft pinks and purples. He nodded, unable to speak, and took her hand in his and led her straight to the parking garage, avoiding the War Room altogether.

* * *

Hours later, he traced his fingers over her bare stomach as she lay in his arms in the darkness, her head nestled against his shoulder. "How long have you known?" he asked softly.

"How long have I known what?" Liz murmured.

"That you loved me," he said, still hardly trusting that the words were true. Liz propped herself up on one elbow and looked at him in the moonlight. She traced a finger lightly over his jaw. "I'm not sure," she said slowly. "a long time. I just never believed you could feel anything for me after what I did."

"There were so many times I wanted to tell you," he replied. "I took me a long time to realize that maybe you really didn't know how I felt. I was just never able to find the words. Forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive," Liz whispered as she snuggled more closely against his chest. "We're together now, and that's all that matters."

As they drifted off to sleep, Ressler wasn't sure that it was possible to feel happier than he did in that moment.

* * *

The buzzing of his phone jolted him awake when it was still barely light outside. He reached across Liz, who yawned sleepily, to retrieve the phone from the bedside table.

"Ressler," he said in a low voice.

"Don, we've gotten a 9-1-1 call from Aram's apartment. Word is, he's been abducted. I need you to get over there right away. Agent Navabi will meet you at the scene." He could hear the anxiety in Cooper's voice.

"Abducted? By who?" Ressler asked as he sat up. Next to him, Liz frowned.

"I'm not sure, but it sounds like it may have been Dembe," Cooper replied curtly. "I want an update as soon as you get there."

"Copy that," Ressler replied, already reaching for his discarded suit. "I'll get there as fast as I can." He replaced the phone on the bedside table and turned to Liz.

"That was Cooper. Apparently Dembe may have kidnapped Aram. I've got to get over there. I'm sorry." He touched her face lightly and kissed her quickly before he climbed out of bed.

"Why would Dembe take Aram?" Liz asked, puzzled, as he hastily stepped into his clothes.

"I don't know. That's what I'm gonna find out."

* * *

It was late evening before they had the chance to speak again. "Where are you?" Ressler asked, relieved to finally see her number flash on his phone.

"I'm at the hospital with Dembe," Liz replied. She filled him in the events of the day after she had left with Reddington.

"So who's this Kathryn Nemec?" Ressler asked when she was finished. "And what does she want with Reddington?"

"She's his cleaner," Liz replied slowly. "The one who knows where all the bodies are buried."

"Whoah," Ressler said.

"Whoah, is right," Liz replied. "This isn't gonna end well, I don't think. Look - I'm headed home in a few minutes. Reddington's going to stay with Dembe. Where are you?"

"Still at the Post Office," Ressler replied. "But I can head out whenever. You want company?"

"You know I do," Liz said softly. "See you soon."


	16. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler and Liz decide to keep their relationship a secret for now in the face of Gale's investigation and Kaplan's war.

Ressler woke early to the sound of birds chirping outside the window. Liz was still asleep next to him, her arm slung casually across his chest. He gently stroked her fingers until she stirred.

"Morning," he said softly and was rewarded with a smile.

"Morning," Liz murmured as she stretched and slowly opened her eyes.

"You're even more beautiful by day than you are by night," he said as he leaned over and pressed his lips against hers. Liz laughed and cupped the back of his head and pulled him closer to her.

"I could say the same about you," she replied lightly.

Half an hour later, they were still entwined under the covers, neither of them wanting to move. Liz stroked his chest absently as she lay curled against his side.

"I hate to say it, but I think we gotta get moving," Ressler groaned as he glanced at the clock. "You want to go in together? Or separately?" He sat up and looked at her quizzically.

"I don't want to go in at all," Liz said playfully as she admired his muscular frame. "How about we just stay here all day?"

"Don't tempt me," Ressler smirked and Liz couldn't help but laugh at the look on his face.

"Can't get enough, hmm?" she teased as she snaked her hand under the covers toward his bare leg.

"Of you? Never," he replied as he leaned over to kiss her once again. "But I think it might look a little suspicious if we both called out sick today."

"Mmm," Liz agreed with a sigh. "I suppose we should probably go in separately for now. I'm not sure it's a good idea to let people know we're together right away. Plus, I have to wait for the sitter."

Ressler nodded. "I agree. Let's keep it between us, for now. Like an undercover operation," he added as he reached for her once more.

* * *

An hour later, Liz watched as Cooper followed Ressler into their office. Ressler had broken away during her briefing of the team to answer a phone call. _Something's wrong_ , she thought. She waited by Aram's workstation until she saw Cooper head back to his own office and then quickly headed to her desk and, glancing over her shoulder, closed the door behind her. Ressler was sitting at his desk staring grimly at the wall, his chin resting on his hand. He looked up at the sound of the door closing and gave her a wry smile.

"What's wrong?" Liz asked as she crossed the room and perched on the edge of his desk.

"I found out who Panabaker's peach orchard hog is," he replied.

"Who?"

"Guy by the name of Julian Gale. We used to work together on the Reddington task force."

"I thought the task force was just you and Bobby Jonica, Sam Raimo and Pete Maguire?" Liz asked, confused.

Ressler shook his head. "When we were chasing Tanida, yes. But there were five years in there. Gale was with me for most of it."

"What's he like?" Liz asked, immediately curious. Ressler rarely spoke of his early years with the Bureau. She had assumed it was because most of his former colleagues had been killed and the memories were too painful.

"Crazy. Tenacious. He's like a dog with a bone once he gets hold of it," Ressler said with a sigh. "With Gale in charge of this investigation..." He got up and paced around the room restlessly before turning and leaning against the file cabinet, his arms folded across his chest. "He wants me to join him."

"Join him? You mean, to investigate the bodies?" Liz asked.

Ressler nodded. "And Cooper seems to think that's a good idea. Keep an eye on things. Stay one step ahead."

"But Gale can't find out that we work with Reddington," Liz said slowly.

"Exactly," Ressler said. "So I gotta go in there and pretend I'm still the same guy I was four years ago before Reddington waltzed through that door."

Liz got up and stood in front of him and touched his sleeve. "You _are_ the same guy. You shouldn't feel bad about the work we've done here."

"Maybe so," Ressler said as he got up and grabbed his keys. "But I'm not so sure." He touched her cheek lightly. "I'll see you later. Be careful," he added.

"You too," Liz called after him as she watched him head towards the elevator. _I have a bad feeling about this_ , she thought.

* * *

The first thing that hit him when he arrived at the ice rink was the stench. A putrid smell of rot that was worse than anything he had ever smelled at the ME's office on any case. He peered through the plexiglass wall surrounding the rink and saw Gale, clipboard in hand, deep in conversation over a body. He made his way slowly to the entrance to the rink and waited until Gale looked up and saw him.

"Donnie!" Gale boomed as he bounded towards him. _Oh boy, here we go_ , Ressler thought. He extended his hand, but Gale quickly swiped it away and enveloped him in a bear hug which Ressler endured somewhat stiffly.

His sense of unease only grew as he followed Gale around the rink and listened to him catalogue the list of missing persons Red's cleaner had dug up. _Red's been busier than I realized_ , he thought. By the time Gale unveiled Diane Fowler's body with a grand flourish, Ressler had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. _This is worse than I thought_ , he mused. _We could all be going down_ _for this._ He scanned the room nervously, half expecting to see the decapitated body of Mako Tanida lying on a table.

* * *

By mid-day, Liz and Red were well along on the trail of Philomena.

"We're right near your apartment, Elizabeth. Shall we stop off and see Agnes?"

"Sure," Liz replied. "Why not."

"You seem preoccupied," Red continued, "distracted, even. You want to tell me what's on your mind?"

Liz shrugged. Her mind was on Ressler and the bodies at the ice rink, but she wasn't prepared to admit that. "It's nothing," she said. "Just thinking about the case."

Red nodded but the look on his face showed that he knew she was hiding something. "Tell me, how's Tom?" he asked casually.

Liz blinked, startled. _Why is he suddenly asking about Tom_ , she thought. She hadn't told Red about the separation yet. _Does he know about Ressler_? she wondered.

"He's having a hard time, actually," Liz replied as honestly as she could muster.

"Is he?" Red replied, his tone a little odd. _What does he know?_ Liz thought. _He can't possibly know..._

Liz felt a pang of guilt as she watched Red stiffly bid her farewell at the curb after she denied his request to come up to her apartment. _I really shouldn't be using Agnes as a bargaining chip_ , she thought. _Not after everything he's done for me_. But having said the words she couldn't just turn around and unsay them. She resolved to try to get him together with Agnes soon. She knew how much pleasure it gave him to see her.

The moment she arrived at her apartment door, she knew something was wrong. The door was unlocked and slightly ajar. She drew her gun and crept into the entryway. As she rounded the corner to the living room, her heart began to pound as she saw Agnes cradled on Mr. Kaplan's lap. Her eyes flicked to the side and she saw an armed man and woman on either side of the room. She slowly lowered her weapon, recognizing she was clearly outnumbered.

"What do you want?" she asked coldly.

* * *

When she returned to the Post Office after lunch, Ressler was nowhere to be found.

"Have you heard from Ressler?" she asked Samar as they headed out to investigate their next lead, at aconstruction site in Anacostia.

"Not since this morning, no," Samar replied. "Cooper said he went over to monitor the investigation into the bodies. Why? Are you worried?"

Liz exhaled. "A little," she replied.

"About Ressler? Or the bodies?" Samar probed.

Liz gave her a long look. "A little of both, I suppose. Nothing good ever comes from digging up the past."

Samar gave her a knowing smile. "Sounds like you two have become much...closer."

Liz pursed her lips. She wasn't prepared to let Samar in on their new relationship just yet, even though out of everyone she could tell, she was probably the most trustworthy.

"I'm just worried about what this guy Gale is going to uncover," Liz replied as she stared out the window.

* * *

By the time they returned to the Post Office late that afternoon, there was still no sign of Ressler. Liz waited until Samar stepped away to talk to Aram and then quickly slipped into her office and pulled out her phone. She was relieved when he answered on the first ring.

"Where are you?" she whispered. "Are you still with Gale?"

"Just got done for today," he said wearily. "He's methodically re-creating Diane Fowler's living room. I'm getting in the car. Where are you?"

"I'm at the Post Office, but we need to talk," Liz replied urgently. "And not here."

"Why? What's happened?" Ressler asked, concerned.

"Kaplan showed up at my apartment today," Liz replied.

"Kaplan? The cleaner? What did she want? Are you ok? Is Agnes ok?" Ressler asked urgently.

"I'm fine. We're fine. I'll tell you when I see you. I think we should meet somewhere else though. Not here and not at my apartment."

"Name a place and I'll be there," Ressler replied. Liz thought for a moment.

"Meet me at the Tidal Basin in half an hour. Make sure no one follows you," she said.

"Will do," he replied.

* * *

By the time she arrived at the Tidal Basin, Ressler was leaning against the door of the Suburban waiting for her. As soon as he saw her, he walked over to her and wrapped her in his arms and pulled her close against him. After a moment, he tilted her face back and cupped it in his hands.

"You're ok? Really?" he asked, concern etched on his face. She nodded.

"Let's walk," she said, gesturing to the paved path along the water. Ressler fell into step beside her, his hands in his pockets.

"So what did Kaplan want?" he asked, squinting at the fading rays of the sun.

"She said I need to walk away from Reddington," Liz replied. "Do what my mother never had the courage to do."

"Your mother," Ressler repeated slowly. "She knew her?"

"Apparently," Liz replied. "She claims my mother hired her to be my nanny when I was a baby. She's claims that everything she's doing, she's doing to protect Agnes, from Reddington."

Ressler frowned. "And you believe her?"

Liz sighed. "I don't know what to believe. What I do know is she seems very driven. I don't know what she's capable of. She said that all of you, the Task Force, that you need to disavow Reddington and walk away."

"And you're worried she's going to force this issue if we don't do that?" Ressler asked.

Liz nodded. "That's why I wanted to meet here, away from the Post Office, away from everything. I don't want her to know about us."

Ressler pursed his lips. "What makes you so sure she doesn't know already? We've been spending a lot of time together."

"She might. But if she doesn't - we can't take that chance. She could use you, to try to get me to do what she wants."

Ressler shook his head and stared out at the water. "Seems to me that we're better off being closer together right now, than apart. What if she comes back to your apartment?"

"Reddington has men stationed outside now. Like the old days. She won't get near Agnes again." Liz replied ruefully.

"And Reddington will know everyone who comes in and out of that apartment," Ressler added, realizing the implications. Liz stopped and took both of his hands in hers and hung her head.

"I can't believe I'm saying this after the past 24 hours, but I think we're gonna have to lie low for a little bit. I'm sorry." She felt tears prick her eyes and she blinked rapidly at the ground.

"Hey, hey," he said as he lifted her chin with his finger. "It's ok. Come here." He pressed his lips to hers and pulled her close against him.

As the sun slipped below the horizon, the air grew chillier and Ressler wrapped his arm around her as they walked back to their vehicles. He opened her car door for her and stepped aside to let her slip into the driver's seat. Before he closed the door he crouched down on the ground next to her and took her hand in his. "We're gonna get through this, ok? It's gonna be fine." Liz nodded, unable to speak, and touched his face gently with her hand before she drove away.

* * *

The next morning, Ressler went straight from his apartment to the ice rink in Reston. Two hours later, he headed back to the Post Office with the record cleaning brush Gale had uncovered in a bag. He eyed the evidence balefully out of the corner of his eye as he drove. He had no doubt that Reddington's prints would be on that brush. _The cleaner missed that one_ , he thought. _And that's gonna_ _bring down this whole show._

Liz's eyes flashed with relief when she saw him step off the elevator. "You're back! What's going on with the investigation? Did Gale find anything?"

Ressler held up the bag with the brush. "Possibly. Probably. I got to submit this for prints and then we'll know what we're dealing with."

"You think Reddington's prints are on that brush?" Liz asked carefully.

Ressler nodded. "I do."

"But you're going to submit it for testing anyway," Liz said quietly.

Ressler exhaled. "I have to, Liz. Do you know how hard it is for me to go to that rink and to basically lie to Gale? I'm trying to do that as little as possible, but not telling him everything is still lying to him, you know? This guy was my friend. Part of my team. We spent _years_ together. He knows me. He trusts me. He's a good agent. Clean. Honorable. What I used to be."

"You still are," Liz said gently.

"I'm not," Ressler replied sadly. "Working with Gale makes me realize how far across the line I've already gone. And I'm definitely way _way_ over the line if I don't submit these prints." Liz watched as he strode down the hall towards evidence. _This is not good_ , she thought. _Not good at all._

* * *

A few hours later, Ressler felt the bile rise in his throat as Gale announced their next move.

"We start with Elizabeth Keen."

Ressler gripped the railing tightly to steady himself as Gale strode away. He felt lightheaded and the stench of the bodies below wasn't helping. He quickly slapped his handkerchief over his nose and sped out to the parking lot where he promptly lost his lunch behind a dumpster. He leaned against the warm metal of the dumpster, his head on his arm, his stomach churning. The small measure of relief he had felt when the prints on the brush came back negative from the lab had evaporated completely with Gale's announcement. The one you hunted. _If he only knew_ , he thought. _I can't do this. Not Liz._

Eventually he collected himself enough to drive back to the Post Office. He took the steps two at a time up to Cooper's office. Cooper looked up at the sight of him and his expression immediately turned to one of concern.

"What is it, Don? What's happened?" He gestured toward a chair.

Ressler sank into the chair gratefully. He still felt slightly queasy. "Gale wants to go after Liz. He thinks she's working for Reddington on the inside. That she altered those prints."

Cooper looked startled. "Why would he think that? She's been pardoned?"

Ressler shook his head. "I don't know, but Gale's not gonna let this one go. No way. He's one of the most tenacious agents I know. He never lets go of anything."

Cooper nodded slowly. "Do you think he realizes your connection to Elizabeth?"

Ressler stared at Cooper for a moment before he realized that Cooper meant only their obvious connection as partners. "I don't think so," he replied. "He knew about the manhunt from the TV. I don't think he realizes we still work together."

"Well, let's try to keep it that way for now," Cooper replied. "Stay close to the man, keep an eye on him, monitor that investigation. The best way for us to protect Elizabeth is to know what's coming for her, and when."

Ressler nodded and got up and moved slowly to the doorway. "You can handle that, right, Don?" Cooper asked from behind him. "I know this isn't easy for you given your history with Gale."

"Liz comes first," Ressler replied firmly. "I'll do whatever I have to do to keep her safe."

Cooper smiled thinly. "We all will. Thanks for the update."

* * *

Ressler headed back down to his office and leaned back in his chair. He pressed his fingers against his eyes in a desperate attempt to forget the unwelcome thoughts swirling in his mind. He opened his eyes and glanced at a file on the corner of his desk. _Reven Wright. That's one I shouldn't be letting go_ , he thought, _she's the reason Liz is still alive._ He pulled the file out and began reading it.

Two hours later, he looked up as Liz sank into the chair opposite him.

"Hey, how did it go with finding Philomena?" he asked as he closed the file.

"We got her, but not before she handed Marvin Gerard over to Mr. Kaplan," Liz replied. "And we just got word Marvin's been taken into custody. He was found shrink wrapped to a lamp post downtown."

"That's not gonna be good for Reddington," Ressler replied.

Liz shook her head. "I don't know. Reddington thinks that Marvin won't turn. We can hope, anyway. Can we go somewhere?" she asked, sounding haggard. "I really need..." She looked at him miserably.

"Of course," Ressler interjected without even waiting for her to finish the thought. He threw his keys in his pocket and followed her out of the office, waiting to see if she would head for the roof or the parking garage. Liz hesitated for a moment and then, turning to make sure no one was following them, headed up the stairs to the roof. As soon as the door closed behind them, Liz turned and buried herself in Ressler's arms.

"Hey...hey, what is it? What's wrong?" he asked as he patted her back.

"I just need you to hold me," she murmured against his chest. "Please."

He pulled her tighter against his chest and stroked her hair with his hand. They embraced silently for a while, rocking slightly back and forth, the only sound the noise of the traffic on the street below.

Finally, Ressler leaned back and stroked her cheek as he moved her face until she was looking at him. "I told you last night. We're gonna get through this, Liz. We're gonna find Kaplan and put an end to this."

"And Gale?" Liz asked. "What are we going to do about him? Catching Kaplan won't change the fact there are 86 bodies on that rink in Reston. Cooper called Red. Warned us that Gale wants to investigate me."

"You think Gale can tie you to any of those bodies?" Ressler asked carefully.

"I don't know," Liz replied. "I really don't." A memory of the man with the apple and her first meeting with Mr. Kaplan came vividly to mind. "I'm worried that if I don't walk away from Red on my own, Kaplan is going to try to force that to happen," she continued. "Even if it means separating me from Agnes."

"You really think she'd do that? Take away your child?" Ressler asked.

"I don't know what she's capable of, honestly," Liz replied. "She seems so...unstable. Not like the woman I thought I knew."

"Well, whatever's coming - Kaplan, Gale - I can tell you this much. We're in this together and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. Not this time. You got that?" He held her gaze steadily.

Liz squeezed him tight and nodded. "Kiss me," she whispered.


	17. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz is worried about Ressler after the events of 4.19.

"You want to talk about what just happened in there?" Samar asked as they hung up with Aram on their way to Laurel Hitchin's house. Liz shook her head and stared silently out the window, her hands clenched tightly in her lap. _Not really_ , she thought. She was filled both with anxiety for Ressler and rage at Dr. Krilov and the combination of the two had her ready to punch someone. Thankfully Samar was driving because Liz didn't think she'd be capable in her present state of mind.

"We're gonna find him," Samar continued. "I know you're concerned..."

"Damn right, I'm concerned," Liz snapped, her eyes blazing. "That doctor tried to turn Ressler into an assassin. What if we're too late?"

"We won't be," Samar replied calmly. "They don't have that much of a lead on us."

"I hope you're right," Liz replied. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"Ressler isn't going to kill Hitchin in cold blood," Samar continued. "I don't think even an implanted memory could cause him to do that."

"You're right. _Ressler_ wouldn't," Liz agreed. "But what has this doctor done to him? Has he taken away that line? We don't know what this drugged and manipulated Ressler is capable of, and that's why I'm afraid we're gonna be too late."

"You nearly crossed a line yourself back there, Liz," Samar said quietly. "And you know I don't say that lightly. I understand how worried you are for Ressler - I am too - but we have to be careful."

"I didn't see any other way," Liz replied tightly. "I'm sorry if I put you in an awkward position but we needed to know where Ressler is."

"Liz, you didn't. Don't worry about me. I understand where you're coming from," Samar said.

"Do you?" Liz asked. She felt herself blinking back tears and quickly turned away so Samar would not notice.

"I do," Samar replied. "You love him."

Liz turned back to Samar, startled, unsure how to respond. "How did you...?" she said finally.

"I've seen the change in you two these past several weeks," Samar said. "How you look at each other. I'm glad to see it, honestly."

"You are?" Liz asked, surprised.

"I am. For a long time, I thought you were stringing him along, that his feelings for you were unrequited. I'm actually pleased to see that's not the case. I misjudged you, and I'm glad to have been wrong on this one."

"No one can know," Liz said anxiously, "You gotta keep this to yourself, ok?"

Samar smiled thinly. "They'd have to be blind not to see it, Liz. It's plain as day on your face, never mind his. But I'm not going to say anything to anyone about it, if that's what you're worried about."

Liz rubbed the scar on her wrist absently. "I was worried Kaplan might target Ressler if she knew how I felt about him. I can't believe it actually happened so quickly."

"She's not playing games, that's for sure," Samar replied. "And I think anyone close to you or Reddington would know that out of all us, Ressler matters to you the most."

"You all matter to me," Liz replied firmly. "Please don't think..."

"Liz, you don't need to explain or apologize," Samar continued. "You two have always had a special bond. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Thank you," Liz said softly.

"For what it's worth," Samar continued, "I care about him too. Not in the same way you do, of course, but he's a good and decent man, a great partner, and he'd have done exactly what you did if either of us had been the one taken. We're almost there," she added as she spun the SUV onto the final turn leading to Laurel Hitchin's house. Liz checked her gun and steeled herself for what was to come.

* * *

Half an hour later, Liz leaned against the wall of Laurel Hitchin's dining room and watched as a paramedic examined Ressler and collected samples of his blood and hair so that they could be tested for the drugs administered to him by Dr. Krilov. The house was filled with people - Secret Service, FBI, even a few local police officers. The lights of the ambulance waiting outside bathed the room in flashes of red and blue. The look of pain and confusion on Ressler's face was heartbreaking and Liz was eager for the paramedic to finish so she could go to him and offer what comfort she could. Her own heart was still pounding, coming off of the adrenaline rush of talking Ressler down.

"What do you think is going to happen to him?" Liz asked Samar in a low voice.

Samar shook her head. "I don't know. Hopefully they release him to us. Maybe they take him for medical treatment. Worst case, they arrest him."

"You really think they would do that?" Liz hissed. "He's the victim!"

"He is, but he threatened the President's National Security Advisor, Liz. He shot a Secret Service agent. I'm not sure that's going to just go away." Samar replied.

Finally, the paramedic stepped away to confer with the waiting agents. Liz saw her opportunity and prepared to cross the room to go talk to Ressler. Just then, a dark haired Secret Service agent strode through the front door and crossed over to where Ressler was sitting. Liz froze as she watched Ressler protest but then reluctantly hand over his side arm. She was barely aware of Samar interjecting as she felt a lump rise in her throat as Ressler turned and was cuffed by the agent. She watched helplessly as Ressler was escorted out to a waiting vehicle.

* * *

A short while later, Liz sat in the passenger seat next to Samar once more, her fingers pressed anxiously to her lips, as Samar steered the SUV back onto the highway to return to the Post Office.

"I can't believe they arrested him!" Liz exclaimed. "He should be in a hospital, not a jail cell."

"I called Cooper while you were talking to Hitchin to let him know," Samar replied. "He's going to try to ensure that the proceedings get expedited so that he can be released tonight instead of in the morning. The more information we can provide to the prosecutor before they bring him up in front of the Magistrate, the better, so our first step is going to be to interrogate Krilov when we get back."

Liz nodded. Her mind was swirling. _You have to focus_ , she thought. _Focus on what you need to get from the doctor to exonerate him_.

"He's strong, Liz, he'll be ok," Samar said gently.

"I hope so," Liz whispered, her mind already turning back to her own experience at the far kinder hands of Dr. Orchard. She remembered how disoriented she felt afterwards. The thought of Ressler alone, in a jail cell, facing that was heartbreaking. She swallowed hard and blinked back tears as she stared out the window.

* * *

Two hours later, Liz watched angrily as Krilov was led back to his cell. They'd reached an impasse when Krilov refused to cooperate without full immunity so the information she'd been able to pass to the prosecutor handling Ressler's arrest had been vastly less than she had hoped. _At least the medical records from Krilov's lab back up the story_ , she thought. She felt like she had failed Ressler and the thought of him having to spend the night in jail was more than she could bear to think about.

She got up slowly from the table in the interrogation room and made her way up the stairs to Cooper's office.

"Any news?" she asked from the doorway.

Cooper looked up, removed his glasses, and rubbed his hand across his eyes wearily. "Not yet," he replied. "I spoke to Secret Service. They were taking Ressler for some additional medical testing first at the hospital and then to booking. The lead agent I spoke with understood we wanted this done as quickly as possible and they'll make every effort to get in him front of the Magistrate tonight for his initial hearing."

"They won't make him post bail, will they?" Liz asked.

Cooper shook his head. "Not likely. As long as the doctor concludes he's not a threat to anyone in his current state there should be no reason he can't be released on his own recognizance tonight."

"Surely the drugs must have worn off by now?" Liz asked. Cooper held her gaze for a moment and she knew they were both thinking of Ressler's past history.

"I don't know enough about them," he replied. "That's for the doctors to answer. But yes, I imagine the effects will have worn off by the time he's released from their custody."

"Tramadol's a narcotic pain reliever," Liz replied quietly.

"Yes, I looked it up," Cooper replied. "We'll have to keep an eye on Agent Ressler these next few days, make sure there are no...relapses."

Liz nodded, wordlessly, once more feeling the lump rise in her throat. _Damn Kaplan_ , she thought. _How dare she_.

"Look, why don't you go home for a while," Cooper suggested. "I'll call you right away once we have word on whether Ressler is being released or held overnight."

"If he's released, I want to be there," Liz said firmly. "I don't care what time."

Cooper nodded. "I'll let you know."

* * *

It was nearly 10:00 pm by the time Liz's phone finally rang.

"I just got off the phone with the court," Cooper informed her. "Agent Ressler's being released. Are you in a position to go get him or should I?"

"I'll go, sir, thank you," Liz replied, relieved. "What happened?"

"I don't know all the details yet," Cooper replied, "but it looks like they're scheduled a preliminary hearing in a couple of weeks. Until then, we'll keep working to try to get more information out of Krilov to exonerate him. I need to find out whether he's able to remain on active duty pending the outcome of the investigation or whether he's suspended immediately. I think there's a substantial risk he's gonna be out of commission for a while."

_Damn Kaplan_ , Liz thought again. _That's exactly what she wanted_. "Ok, sir. Keep us posted."

Liz headed into the bedroom and grabbed the overnight bag she had packed earlier in the hopes that Ressler would be released. She'd made arrangements for the babysitter to stay overnight with Agnes and both of them were already asleep in Agnes's room.

The courthouse was quiet when Liz arrived with all personnel gone for the day except for the handful of officers stationed in the lobby and the handful more in charge of the prisoner holding cells. She flashed her badge to the officer seated at the desk.

"I'm here to pick up my partner, Special Agent Donald Ressler," she announced. The burly officer nodded. "Wait here," he replied.

A few minutes later, Ressler emerged, looking miserable and exhausted. His tie was loose and askew and his hair rumpled from the day's ordeal. Liz's heart sank as he looked at her flatly, his face emotionless except for a vein pulsing in his jaw.

"Let's go," she said gently as she took his arm to lead him out of the building. He walked beside her silently until they reached the car outside. When they reached the car, Liz took his hand and turned him around so he was facing her, his back against the car. She reached up and stroked his face gently.

"Ressler," she whispered.

Ressler hung his head and buried his face in her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. She could feel him trembling.

"Are you hurt? Are you ok?" she asked after a while, scanning his face worriedly.

"No, I'm not hurt. Let's just get out of here, ok?" he replied tightly. Liz held the door open for him as he slid into the passenger seat.

Liz climbed into the driver's seat and maneuvered the vehicle onto the road. As she drove, she reached over and took his unblemished left hand in hers, squeezing it tightly.

"I was so worried about you today," she began. "I can't believe that Kaplan..." she shook her head.

"I would have killed Hitchin if you hadn't shown up when you did," Ressler interjected, his voice pained.

"No, you wouldn't have," Liz said firmly. "I don't think even the drugs could have made you do that." The more she'd thought about it over the course of the day, the more she'd come to believe Samar was right.

"I'm not so sure," Ressler replied sadly. "I don't recognize myself right now. Everything about that memory was real. 100 percent real. Until you showed me that mark on my hand. I barely remember shooting that Secret Service agent but I'm lucky I didn't kill him."

Liz glanced at him. Even in the dim light from the streetlights, she could see he looked haggard, his eyes sunken. She rubbed his hand with her thumb.

"How do you feel after the drugs?" she asked gently.

Ressler bit his lip and looked away. "I don't know. I felt numb earlier but now everything hurts. My head, my body. And now all I want is to get that numbness back. The doctor said one of the drugs was an narcotic," he added and he looked at her with a haunted expression.

"I'm going to stay with you tonight," she said quietly. "At your place. Whatever you need to get through this, we're gonna do this together, ok?" she squeezed his hand more tightly.

Ressler nodded and closed his eyes. "Thanks," he replied simply.

* * *

When they arrived at his apartment, Liz examined the bump on his head in the light and touched it gently with her fingertips. "What did the doctor say about concussion? Did you tell him you just recovered from one?"

Ressler shrugged. "He seemed more concerned with the drugs they pumped in me than with the blow to the head. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Well, go get changed. Have a shower. Are you hungry? I can fix something..."

Ressler shook his head. "Nah, don't bother. Maybe just some water though." He peeled off his jacket and tie.

Liz padded into the kitchen and filled a tall glass with water and brought it into the bedroom. Ressler was slowly unbuttoning his shirt and Liz could see a large purple bruise on one of his shoulders.

"Thanks," he said as he took the water from her.

"I went to see Gale," she said as Ressler moved to unbuckle his belt.

Ressler blinked at that, startled. "I told you to talk to him, right?"

Liz nodded. "You did. Aram and Samar thought it was a bad idea but you thought I should. That's why I did it."

Ressler shook his head and sank down onto the bed next to her. "I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore. Whether anything of what I remember is real." Once more, his face bore an expression of pain and confusion. "What happened with Gale?"

"He's suspicious," Liz replied. "He managed to connect my start date to the beginning of this special classified designation the Bureau uses for our cases and to the beginning of the end of your old Task Force. He actually said that he thinks Reddington is feeding us these cases while I cover for him."

Ressler licked his lips. "That's not good. Has he figured out our connection yet?"

Liz shook her head. "I don't think so. He didn't let on, if he had. Look, I'm sorry - you must be exhausted - this can wait. Go get in the shower. We can talk about this tomorrow."

Ressler nodded wearily and headed into the bathroom. When he emerged, he rubbed his head with his towel thoughtfully. "You don't think there's a connection between Gale and Kaplan, do you?"

Liz blinked, startled. "Gosh, I hope not," she said. "I doubt it, but who knows at this point. Reddington said they were both working against us. But an actual connection...?"

"Maybe you shouldn't be here," Ressler added slowly, "If Gale finds out about us..."

"If he _is_ working with Kaplan, he already knows," Liz pointed out. "She chose you as her first target and I'm convinced it's because she knows how I feel about you. And after the day you've had, I'm not letting you out of my sight," she added.

Ressler stretched out on the bed next to her, his arms behind his head. "I haven't felt like this since the last time I came off painkillers," he said slowly. "Half numb, half tingly. Feel my heart rate," he took her hand and placed it on his chest. She could feel his heart pounding.

"I really appreciate you being here," he added. "I'd probably be making myself crazy if you weren't trying to figure out whether any of it between us was real or not. It _was_ real, right?" He looked at her intently and she could see the thinly veiled panic in his eyes.

Liz pressed her lips against his and folded herself against him. "Yes, it was real. All of it was real. The I love you's, the roof - all of it. Maybe I need to remind you," she whispered as she moved her hand lower.

"Maybe you do," he murmured huskily as he reached for her.

* * *

Later, they lay in the darkness, the only light the slivers of moonlight filtering in through the bedroom blinds. Ressler ran his fingers up and down Liz's bare arm. "Did the doctor tell you what else he might have implanted in my head? Or what he took away?"

"No, he wouldn't without full immunity. We're still working on that. I nearly forgot to tell you," she added, "he told me something else."

"What's that?" Ressler asked as he continued to stroke her arm.

"He told me someone hired him to take away a memory from me involving Reddington and that they did that two years ago. _Two_ years!" Liz explained.

Ressler stopped stroking her arm and stared at her for a moment. "Two years ago? Before you shot Connolly?"

Liz shrugged. "I don't know. He wouldn't get specific. I confronted Reddington and he absolutely denied knowledge or involvement, so whoever it was, it wasn't him."

"Then who?" Ressler asked.

"I don't know," Liz replied. "I spent all evening running over all the possibilities in my mind. Krilov implied it was a he, so I don't think it was Mr. Kaplan. Maybe the Director? Maybe Leonard Caul? I even wondered if it might be Tom," she added.

"Tom!" Ressler exclaimed. "You don't really think...?"

"I don't know what to think," Liz said. "Like you - I don't know what they added and what they took away."

"If it did happen then, that goes against what you told me earlier," Ressler added thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?" Liz asked, puzzled.

"That you can't make a person a killer by implanting a memory," he replied.

Liz sat up. "You mean, you think that maybe they manipulated me to get me to shoot Connolly?"

"I don't know," Ressler replied slowly, "Connolly - or someone else -and maybe Connolly inadvertently became the collateral damage."

Liz gaped at him wordlessly before she eased herself back down into the crook of his arm. "All I know is, Krilov better talk. I don't intend to let him get away with not giving me answers."

Ressler kissed the top of her head gently. "I agree. We're in this together, more so than ever now."

Liz shifted on the bed and pulled his arm until they were spooned against each other. "You've got that right," she murmured as she drifted off to sleep.


	18. No Matter What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz helps Ressler as he struggles with the aftermath of Krilov's memory manipulation.

_No! We're not gonna let her get away with this! No!_ His hand was sweaty and shaking slightly as he tightened his grip on the barrel of the gun and squeezed the trigger. _Bang_! Ressler's eyes flew open and he blinked rapidly as he tried to place his surroundings. His heart and head were both pounding and his body was covered in sweat. His eyes darted from side to side, panicked, as he tried to focus. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, he became dimly aware that he was not alone and felt the panic slowly dissipate as he shifted on the bed and saw Liz's sleeping form next to him. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. _Breathe_ , he reminded himself. _It was just a dream, you didn't kill her_. He lay still for a few minutes and then slowly eased himself into a sitting position. His heart was still hammering in his chest and he was finding it difficult to catch his breath. His head and neck ached and his chest felt tight. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. 3:25 am. He glanced at Liz, who was curled on her side facing away from him and then slowly eased himself out of bed and made his way into the bathroom.

He stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, his hair matted with sweat, his eyes red and sunken. He opened the medicine chest and scanned the contents before reaching for the Tylenol and shaking two into his hand. _Could use something stronger right about now_ , he thought, before quickly pushing the thought out of his mind.

Liz was still sleeping when he emerged but he didn't feel ready to crawl back into bed. Instead, he crept as quietly as he could out of the room so as not to disturb her. He made his way into the kitchen and opened the fridge to retrieve the pitcher of water he kept there. After pouring himself a glass, he rested his forehead for a moment against the cool metal of the freezer, willing his headache to go away and the infernal pounding in his chest to cease. Eventually, water in hand, he made his way into the living room and stood at the window, staring out at the lights of the city.

 _You almost murdered a woman today_ , he thought. He looked down at his hand. It was still shaking slightly, from the nightmare or the latent effect of the drugs, he wasn't sure. He tightened his grip on his water glass. _You got lucky. She got lucky_. Disjointed images filled his head of Hitchin, and of Liz. Thank God for Liz. Her voice had pierced the fog swirling in his mind and he had clung to it like an anchor, trusting her. If it had been anyone else, he knew the outcome would have been entirely different.

He heard a noise behind him and turned. Liz was standing in the doorway, watching him.

"You ok?" she asked gently.

Ressler swallowed hard and looked away. "I don't know," he said raggedly. "I'm not so sure."

She crossed the room quickly and wrapped her arms around him. He wondered if she could feel the hammering in his chest. He felt like his whole body was vibrating with tension.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

 _I'm not sure I'm ready_ , he thought. He shook his head wordlessly. His brain felt so jumbled that he wasn't sure he could articulate what he was feeling if he tried.

Liz held him quietly for a few moments before announcing "I'm going to make us some tea," as she released him and patted his arm.

"Tea? Liz, it's the middle of the night!" Ressler replied, frowning.

"I know, but whenever I would wake with nightmares when I was young, my dad always made me something warm to drink and it helped. Be right back." She disappeared into the kitchen.

 _How does she know?_ he thought. Ressler sank onto the couch and rested his throbbing head in his hands. He looked up when Liz set a mug on the coffee table in front of him.

"Try it," she encouraged. "I promise, it helps."

He reluctantly reached for the mug and took a sip of the unfamiliar herbal mix.

"Where'd you get this? I don't remember having this in my kitchen?" he asked, puzzled.

Liz shrugged. "I tossed it in my bag when I knew was coming over here. I thought best to be prepared."

Ressler stared at her. "You knew? You knew I was gonna have nightmares?"

Liz stroked his thigh gently with her finger. "I've lived this nightmare myself, don't forget. Drink."

Ressler took another tentative sip and then another as the tea slid down his throat and warmed him.

"You're right, it does help," he admitted finally as he felt some of the tension in his chest begin to loosen.

Liz nodded and shifted on the couch until she was kneeling next to him. "What hurts?" she asked.

He squinted at her. _How does she know?_ he thought again.

"Everything. My head, my body," he groaned. "I took a couple of Tylenol."

"Close your eyes," Liz instructed and he obeyed. "Just concentrate on breathing," she added. Next thing he felt her fingers massaging his shoulders and neck, moving up to the base of his skull and behind his ears, up to his temples and back down his spine, kneading gently in circles. He tried to do as she asked and focus simply on breathing. Gradually, the hammering in his head dissipated and the pounding in his chest disappeared.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed by the time she stopped, but he felt strangely calmer as he leaned back on the couch and his breathing was finally steady. She put the mug, still warm, back in his hands and he took another long sip of the tea, grateful for the heat that radiated all the way to the pit of his stomach.

They sat in companionable silence, her hand lightly resting on his knee until he felt ready to speak.

"You're good at this," he said finally.

"Unfortunately, I've had lots of experience," Liz chuckled ruefully. "It'll get better, but..." Her voice trailed off.

"I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what happened today," he began slowly. "Any other choice I've made, I've always known why I made it. It may have been wrong, but now? I can't even be sure of what's real and what's not real." Ressler flexed his fingers and studied the telltale mark on his hand. "So how can I trust my own judgment anymore?" Ressler shook his head. "I still think Laurel Hitchin would be dead right now if it weren't for you."

"Like I told you earlier, you don't know that," Liz said softly. "I don't think you would have gone that far."

"I do," Ressler replied miserably. "In my dream, I pulled the trigger. No, if you hadn't shown up when you did, she'd be dead and I'd be in jail for the rest of my life." He got up and walked back back over the window and stared out at the night, arms folded. "When did I become this person, Liz? I'm not sure I recognize myself anymore."

"You're the same person, Don," she replied quietly. "A good person."

"I don't know," he replied gruffly, his voice breaking slightly. "I just don't know..."

Liz got up and joined him at the window, her hand resting lightly on his back. She leaned her head against his arm and they stood there in silence.

"I want you to know that I would completely understand if you wanted to walk away," Liz said quietly after a few minutes.

Ressler turned and stared at her. "What are you talking about?"

"This war - this battle. Kaplan went after you because of me. And now Hitchin knows that you're after her. I don't want to see your life and career destroyed because of me. And because of Reddington and his connection to me, whatever that is. So I'm telling you, I will completely understand if it's too much, if you don't want to be a part of it anymore. If you want to go back to just being the Boy Scout agent who crusades for justice. With a quiet, peaceful life without all this madness. It won't affect how I feel about you." Liz held his gaze, her face suddenly serious.

Ressler shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" Liz asked.

"That I don't want a quiet, peaceful life without you in it," Ressler replied, his face equally serious. "I faced that last year and it was the worst..." He paused and swallowed hard before continuing, "No, I'm not going anywhere. No memory manipulating doctor, no Laurel Hitchin, no Julian Gale - nothing, I mean _nothing_ is gonna make me walk away." He pulled her close against him and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"Let's go back to bed," he whispered as he led her back into the bedroom.

* * *

A few hours later, Liz woke up to the sound of the shower running. Ressler emerged a few minutes later, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Cooper called," he said. "Apparently, I'm on administrative leave pending investigation."

Liz sat up. "So Kaplan succeeded in sidelining you after all," she said with a frown.

Ressler shrugged. "I guess. Cooper says I should go work full time with Gale for now. Keep an eye on his investigation. So I'll be heading over there this morning." He reached into a drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and dark jeans and set them on the bed.

"No suit?" Liz asked, raising her eyebrow.

Ressler chuckled. "Nah, looks like it's gonna be casual for me for a while."

Liz reached out and touched his arm. "You ok? No more nightmares?"

Ressler hesitated a moment before responding. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"I meant what I said last night," Liz replied. "If it becomes too much, if you need to walk away..."

"And I meant what I said too," Ressler replied. "We're in this together. No matter what."

* * *

Hours later, Samar's words echoed in his head as he strode briskly down the hallway after leaving Gale's lab. _Liz is in trouble. You need to be here_. He glanced down at his phone at the address Samar had provided. A rural road leading to a Boy Scout camp. There was never a doubt in his mind that he was going to help, suspension or not. He just hoped he would get there in time. Visions of the last time he had rescued Liz from the woods came to mind and he fought against the rising feeling of panic gripping his gut.

He drove faster than he should have and was relieved to see that Samar had waited for him when he approached the rendezvous point.

"What've we got? What do we know?" He asked as he stepped out of his vehicle. Samar handed him a gun.

"We think she's being held at a cabin just down the road. There's other vehicles here. There may be some sort of standoff going on," she replied.

Ressler surveyed the assembled team. "All right, we go in at my command," he announced firmly. He wasn't prepared to take a backseat on this operation.

His first thought at the sight of Reddington's fedora was relief. If Reddington was there with Liz, she was safe. The rest, they could manage. So it was as much of a surprise to him as anyone when the first shot rang through the trees and they all ducked for cover. He scanned the woods wildly from behind the car, searching for the source of the shot, but he saw nothing. He was dimly aware of shouting and running as everyone scattered but he locked eyes with the one person he cared most about and breathed a sigh of relief that she seemed unharmed.

When it was clear the shooting was over, he got up slowly from his crouched position and made his way over to her.

"What are you doing here?" Liz asked as she brushed some dirt off his cheek. "You're supposed to be on leave, remember?"

"Do you really need to ask that?" he replied in a low voice. "Samar told me you were in trouble. Do you really think I could stay away, knowing that?"

Liz sighed. "She shouldn't have called you. It's too risky. You could lose your badge just being here."

"Do you think I care about that?" Ressler growled. "If something had happened to you..." He looked up at the cabin. "So what happened?"

"Reddington happened," Liz groaned. "He's the one who hired the Debt Collector to abduct me. To lure Kaplan here."

"You're serious?" Ressler asked incredulously. Probably just as well that the criminal had disappeared. Ressler wasn't sure he'd be able to restrain himself from decking the man if he were in front of him. "But you're ok?" He scanned her up and down, anxiously.

"I'm fine," Liz sighed. "Now go. Please. Let Samar handle it from here. They're all gone, and I'm fine. You shouldn't be here. I'll see you later, ok?"

Ressler nodded. She was right. But he'd do it all over again for her. No matter what, he wasn't going to lose her again.


	19. Rise Together Or Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler and Liz support each other as Gale and Kaplan come closer to ending the Task Force. (First of two chapters covering events from the Season 4 finale).

The moment Ressler arrived at Gale's lab, he knew something was wrong. He clenched his jaw and felt his entire body tense as he watched Gale circle a headless skeleton on the table like a vulture. Ressler had a sinking feeling, looking at the bones, that he knew exactly whose body was on that table. Sure enough, it didn't take long for Gale to confirm his worst fears. As he left the lab moments later, the FBI's deal with Reddington exposed, he hastened to the Post Office to warn the others.

_Mako Tanida_. Just the name alone was enough to set him on edge. He had known deep down that body would be among the 86, but that didn't make it any easier. He clenched the steering wheel tightly as those final moments with Audrey bleeding out in his arms came unwilling to mind. He'd done his best to push those memories aside, but the sight of Tanida's headless body brought it all rushing back. Jonica. Pete. Sam. He shook his head. Gale had known those guys, known Audrey too, but it didn't seem to matter to him. For all the emotion Gale had displayed over the 86 bodies these past couple of weeks, Gale was surprisingly dispassionate about what Tanida had done. Ressler didn't know what to make of that, but was clear Gale wasn't going let it go.

* * *

After Ressler finished briefing the team on Gale's discoveries, Liz followed him back into their shared office and closed the door behind her.

"You ok?" she asked gently as she perched on the edge of his desk.

"Yeah," he replied curtly. He wasn't, but he was trying his best not to let it show.

"I don't mean about Gale figuring out the connection between us and Reddington," Liz clarified. "I mean about Tanida. I'm sure it was a shock to see his body just like that."

Ressler hesitated. He'd never told her about the head in the box. He wasn't sure he was ready to, either. "Yeah," he repeated. "Always figured Reddington had a hand in that one, though."

Liz nodded. She could see he wasn't in the mood to talk about it yet. She squeezed his shoulder gently. "Samar and I are going to go chase down this guy, Mario Dixon, that Reddington wants us to find. See if he can help us. We'll talk more later." Ressler watched her go, and then leaned back in his desk chair and closed his eyes, his mind more on the past than on the present.

* * *

It was mid-afternoon by the time Liz arrived back at the Post Office. Ressler looked up from his desk when he saw her in the doorway.

"Did you find Dixon?" he asked.

Liz nodded as she settled back down in her chair with a sigh. "We did, and we delivered him to Reddington. Reddington says that the meeting between Dixon and Kaplan is set for 5 pm."

"Do you want me to come along?" Ressler sat up straight. Being sidelined behind a desk was making him stir crazy.

Liz shook her head. "No, I'm convinced he gave us a false address anyway. He's still determined to take care of Kaplan himself." She bit her lip and looked away.

"And that bothers you?" Ressler asked quietly.

"It does," Liz began slowly. "I know she's done terrible things, including to you. But I want her in jail, not dead. Can you understand that?"

Ressler nodded. "Of course I do, but you know as well as I do, Reddington's not gonna let that happen. Her being arrested and put in jail only means she'll cut a deal and testify again him. And us."

"I know," Liz said sadly. "And yet, I feel like I can't just sit here and let him kill her. I don't know if I could live with myself if he does."

Ressler glanced around to make sure no one was watching them and then leaned forward and took her hand and squeezed it. "So what do you suggest?"

Liz shook her head. "I don't know. I guess Samar and I go to the location he gave us and hope for the best. That maybe for once, he's being honest with us."

"You sure you don't want me to come?" Ressler asked.

"No, you're off field duty, remember?" Liz replied firmly.

"Don't remind me," Ressler groaned.

* * *

Ressler watched the clock anxiously for any word from Liz. Finally, a little after 6, she reappeared in the doorway.

"What happened? Did you get Kaplan?" he asked, sitting up straight. The look on her face was foreboding.

"Of course not," Liz replied bitterly. "As I suspected, Reddington gave us wrong information. It gets worse though."

"Worse?" Ressler had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah, Julian Gale has Kaplan." Ressler blinked at her and groaned inwardly.

"I really need some fresh air. Can we...?" Her voice trailed off but she didn't need to finish her sentence for Ressler to know what she meant.

"Yeah," he replied as he followed her to the stairs that led to the roof.

Liz walked midway out onto the roof and Ressler wrapped his arms around her from behind. She leaned back against his shoulder as they watched the sun slowly start to set. "You told me all those months ago that watching the sunrise from up here makes you feel hopeful," Liz said. "And this - this is just as beautiful - but it feels like an end."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"It feels like it's all crashing down," Liz said sadly. "Like it's all coming to an end and I can't stop it from happening, no matter how hard I try."

"We've got to keep fighting, Liz," Ressler replied quietly. "Keep fighting until we can't fight anymore. Like you said earlier, we rise together or we fall apart."

Liz laced her fingers through his and held his hand tightly until the last rays of sunlight disappeared. "Come home with me?" she asked softly as she turned and cupped his face in the darkness.

"Of course," he replied and he followed her to the stairs.

* * *

The next morning, Ressler, Samar and Liz gathered in Ressler and Liz's office. Aram was conspicuously absent and Cooper quickly filled them in on Aram's confession that he had been offered immunity in exchange for testimony against them to the Grand Jury. The pain on Cooper's face was evident as he admitted he couldn't protect them. After he left, Ressler glanced at Liz.

"So what now? There's gotta be something we can do besides sit here like ducks and wait to be arrested."

Liz reached for her jacket. "I agree. I'm going to go see Reddington. He's got to know something we can do."

Samar watched her leave. "I hope she's right. I'm confident Aram won't testify against us, but with Kaplan they may not need him."

"Yeah," Ressler agreed grimly, the vision of Tanida's body coming to mind once more.

Liz returned an hour later, with a lead on a guy called Henry Prescott. Ressler was grateful for the distraction as he worked with Samar to dig up some way of finding the man. He needed to keep his mind busy. Dwelling on the past wasn't going to solve their present problems.

"I never got a chance to thank you," he said as he and Samar sat side by side working through files.

"For what?" Samar looked up from the folder she was reading.

"For realizing I needed to be there the other day for Liz." Ressler lowered his eyes to avoid meeting her gaze.

"I'm happy for you two, you know," Samar said quietly. Ressler looked up. "I know I gave you a really hard time about her, but I can see you two have worked things out," she continued with a knowing smile.

"How long have you known?" he asked. There was no point in denying it, and he had basically invited the conversation by thanking her in the first place.

"I don't know. A while. I'm glad for it. And I told Liz as much," Samar replied, looking back down at the file in front of her.

"You did?" Ressler asked, surprised.

Samar looked up at him again and chuckled. "I did. That surprises you?"

Ressler shrugged. "I don't know."

"You deserve happiness Ressler - as much as anyone I know. If Liz is what makes you happy then, why not," Samar replied.

"Thanks, Navabi," he replied, not really knowing what else to say.

* * *

He was so immersed in the work that he was startled when his phone rang mid-afternoon. "Hello, Donald," Reddington's voice rumbled in his ear.

"You get anywhere with finding Prescott?" Ressler asked. Last he'd heard, Reddington had headed off to a sports bar to pursue the lead that he and Samar had uncovered earlier.

"I did indeed," Reddington replied. "It's time to put on your dancing shoes again, Donald. Meet me at the address I'm about to send you." Ressler hung up on the phone and exhaled. He knew what that meant. He wasn't showing up to meet Prescott as Special Agent Donald Ressler of the FBI. He was showing up as one of Red's associates. The thought was somewhat unsettling. It had been a while since Reddington had asked him to pretend to be part of his world.

Sure enough, a half hour later Ressler - or Frank Sturgeon as he was now known - followed Reddington down into a dark basement as Prescott, a slight, dark-haired man, waited for them outside the non-descript house. Ressler had an uneasy feeling as Reddington shone his flashlight across rows and rows of tightly packed steel drums and crates. _What the hell is this place?_ he wondered. Reddington moved quickly through the rows, clearly on a mission. Ressler clenched his face mask tightly over his nose as Reddington located the desired barrel and pried it open. Reddington handed him a long pair of gloves and motioned for him to reach in. Feeling more than slightly ill, Ressler stuck his hands into the barrel and pulled up the perfectly preserved body of Reven Wright. "Mother of God," he whispered, his heart pounding. His stomach churned as he released the body carefully back into its smelly chemical bath to avoid splashing them with its contents. He glanced at Reddington and then quickly shed the gloves, strode up the stairs, and was promptly sick against the side of the house. When he walked back around the front, Prescott shot him an amused look.

"Was it the smell or the sight that got you, Mr. Sturgeon?" Prescott smirked.

Ressler glared at him and rejoined Reddington in the basement, where he had thankfully sealed like the lid back on the drum. Reddington waved him off.

"No need to get your hands dirty any further, Frank," he said in a bemused tone. "My associates will transport this to a suitable location where it can be retrieved by your people. Our work here is done."

Ressler's mind reeled as he drove away from the scene. As much as seeing Tanida's body had unsettled him the day before, the sight of Reven Wright's body had unsettled him even more. He had no doubt what the autopsy would show. And no doubt that the evidence from her body was not going to be used in the way he had hoped.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Donald" Reddington murmured hours later as they drove to meet with Laurel Hitchin. "I wish there was another way."

Ressler nodded wordlessly as he stared out the window. "How long have you know where her body was?" he asked finally, turning back to face Reddington.

Reddington pursed his lips. "I had my suspicions for some time, but I wasn't positive until recently."

"So you were saving this information as leverage for when you needed Hitchin's influence," Ressler sneered.

"Donald, I know you like to believe the worst about me," Reddington replied. "But believe me, I would like nothing more than to see Laurel Hitchin pay for what she did. And she will. But not today. Attempting to send her to jail for this doesn't do you any good if you're right there with her. I hope you understand that. This needs to happen this way today. And you need follow my lead. Can you do that?"

"Yes," Ressler replied tightly, feeling the bile rise in his throat once more.

* * *

In the end, it went about as he expected. As he parted ways with Reddington outside the Post Office, Reddington turned to him.

"We may have lost the battle today, Donald, but we haven't lost the war. Laurel Hitchin's day will come. I give you my word." Ressler watched silently as Reddington drove away.

"So, it's done?" Samar met him as he stepped off the elevator.

"Yeah," Ressler replied with a sigh. "So now we wait. See if Hitchin really can shut this thing down."

"I'm sorry it had to be this way," Samar replied softly. "I know how much it meant to you to solve that case."

Ressler sighed. "It mattered, yeah. But all of you - this team - matter more."

"Worth bending the rules, huh?" Samar said with a smile.

Ressler shrugged. "Yeah."

"I just got word the Grand Jury investigation's been closed," Cooper's voice boomed from stairs as he made his way down from his office.

"That's good news," Samar replied.

"I'm about to call Reddington and let him know," Cooper said as he motioned for them to join them in the war room.

"Where's Liz?" Ressler asked Samar as he scanned the near empty war room. "I thought she was with you?"

"No, I haven't seen her since Reddington left with you," Samar replied.

Ressler got an uneasy feeling in his gut that only intensified when Reddington asked them to trace Kaplan's burner phone.

"Navabi, you come with me," Cooper barked when they had the location.

"Sir, I'm coming too," Ressler said firmly. "It's Liz. If she's in trouble, I'm not sitting this one out."

Cooper stared at him for a moment and then nodded. "Let's roll out," he said. "Backup will meet us a mile from the location."

* * *

When they arrived at the bridge, Ressler scanned the span anxiously for any sign of Liz. Red and Kaplan were standing alone at the midpoint, far enough away that he couldn't hear what they were saying. Within minutes, Liz ran up, breathless, and begged them to help save Kaplan. She began to run towards Kaplan, Ressler following closely behind her, when they saw Kaplan fling herself over the edge of the bridge. Ressler watched helplessly as Liz sank to her knees, tears streaming down her face. He reached her a moment later and, no longer caring who saw them, pulled her into his arms.

He held her tightly as she clung to him and sobbed. Over her shoulder, he saw Cooper peer over the edge of the bridge and shake his head.

Eventually Liz pulled away and started to move towards the edge of the bridge. Ressler pulled her back.

"No, Liz," he said quietly. "You don't need to see that. You don't want to remember her this way."

Liz stared at him for a moment and then nodded. "Let's go," he added. "We don't need to be here."

Cooper nodded in silent acknowledgment as Ressler led Liz gently to his waiting vehicle and settled her into the front seat. He turned up the heat against the sudden chill in the air.

"Baz is dead," Liz said quietly as they drove away, her head bowed. "Kaplan shot him."

Ressler exhaled. "I'm sorry, Liz. I know how much he meant to you."

"So many casualties," Liz whispered as she stared out the window, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "All in the name of people trying to protect me. When is it gonna end? When will this madness stop?"

Ressler shook his head, "Hopefully now. Hopefully this is an end." He put his hand over hers and rested in there in an effort to provide what comfort her could.

They rode in silence back to the Post Office. Ressler could see that Liz needed time to process Kaplan's death and everything else so he didn't push her to talk.

When they arrived back at their shared office, Liz sank into her chair. "Sam, my mother, Kirk, Kaplan - all the people who knew me as a child - they're all gone," she said sadly. "Reddington's the only one left with answers and he won't give them to me."

"Maybe he will, eventually," Ressler offered. "Seeing the lengths that Kirk and Kaplan went to...there has to be a reason?"

"I hope so," Liz sighed. "I just don't know how much more I can take."

Eventually, Cooper appeared in the doorway. "I spoke to Laurel Hitchin," he said to Ressler. "You're being reinstated. She insisted on returning your badge in person, however. She wants you to meet her at this address." He held out his hand with a piece of paper.

Ressler got up and reluctantly took the piece of paper from Cooper's hand. "Wonderful," he murmured, not relishing the prospect of more of Hitchin's taunts. "I'll see you later," he said to Liz, pausing to squeeze her shoulder on his way out the door, leaving her with Cooper.


	20. Take That Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ressler and Liz deal with the aftermath of his altercation with Hitchin and Liz's revelations. Second of two chapters covering events of the Season 4 finale and the final chapter of this story.

The sun was just beginning to set as Ressler left Laurel Hitchin's house and walked to his car, his heart pounding. He kept his head down and his pace just brisk enough to look purposeful, without attracting unwanted attention. He slid behind the wheel and took a deep, shuddery breath. His hands were shaking. He knew he needed to get out of there, and fast. He quickly put the car in gear and eased it out into the street. _You'd best be leaving, Mr. Sturgeon_. _Damn straight_ , he thought.

He drove aimlessly for a while, his mind racing. What was Prescott going to do with the body? Hide it? Make it look like she died somewhere else and have it show up? Save it as another insurance policy to show up when he'd least expect it? He felt the bile rise in his throat again. He needed to get out of the car and walk, and think, or he was going to have a car accident on his hands too. His aimless driving had brought him downtown, near the river. He found a spot near the Lincoln Memorial and set off on foot, his hands in his pockets. He circled the monument as the last of the day's tourists filed out. The reflecting pool shimmered in the waning sunlight as the Washington Monument at the opposite end pointed up into the clouds like a giant white pencil.

 _She had a kid_ , he thought as he walked and he felt his chest constrict at the memory of the Bar Mitzvah favors Laurel had so cavalierly passed out at the courthouse the year before. _A kid who's never gonna know his mom was a killer. A kid who's gonna grow up thinking she was just a victim. Maybe that's better for him_ , he mused. _Maybe it's better he never knows the truth_. Ressler blinked rapidly and squinted at the fading sunlight. _She was supposed to go to jail, not die. Is there even gonna be a funeral?_ Ressler remembered all too well standing over his father's casket, watching it get lowered into the ground. _What if he had just disappeared instead_? The thought made him even more nauseous and he paused, sides heaving, until he got himself under control.

He walked and walked and walked for what felt like hours as the sun fell and the moon rose, replaying the scene over and over again in his mind. Hitchin had mocked him, belittled him, made sure to let him know she owned him. But all he'd wanted to do was walk away. Walk away and try to keep the little dignity he had left intact. He remembered the feel of her fingers gripping his sleeve. Like claws digging into his arm. And all he'd wanted to do was get away. That's all he was trying to do. He still wasn't sure how it happened. _You were too rough, that's how. You didn't care what happened. It doesn't matter anyway. She's dead and you've covered it up. Or tried to_. Once again, he fought back against the bile in his throat as he wondered when and where Laurel's body would resurface.

Eventually, he found himself at the end of the stone span of the Memorial Bridge, which arched over the Potomac, the lights of the bridge casting pools of light on the river below. He shivered slightly at the cold wind and pulled his collar up around his neck before striding out onto the bridge. He stopped at the midpoint and looked back towards the lights of Washington, the various monuments illuminated for the night, their white marble faces gleaming softly in the moonlight. He ran his hands over the rough stone of the bridge and looked down at the swirling water below. The image of Red's cleaner, Kaplan, throwing herself off another bridge just earlier that day was still fresh in his mind. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, desperate for some feeling of absolution. As he gazed at the river, he wondered where to go next. He couldn't walk all night long, but the thought of returning home was unbearable too. He pulled out his phone and immediately saw it was illuminated with multiple missed calls and texts from Liz.

 _Liz_ , he thought, his throat tightening once more. _I'm sorry Liz_ , he whispered into the cold night wind. _I wanted to be better than this_. He stuffed his phone back in his pocket. He couldn't face her yet. Part of him wasn't sure he ever could. The wind was cutting hard through his thin jacket and he shivered again. He jammed his hands back his pockets and began the long walk back to his car.

* * *

Liz pulled back slowly from embracing Red. He smiled at her gently but there was pain behind the smile. But for now, she had said what needed to be said. It was time for a new chapter in their relationship. Hopefully one built on honesty, not lies.

"You better go home, Lizzie. Go home to Agnes...and to Donald," he said in a low voice.

Liz blinked, startled. "How did you...how did you know?" Red simply smiled at her.

Liz sighed. "You know what, I don't want to know." She grabbed her keys from the dresser where she had dropped them when she arrived.

"I suspected it for some time, Elizabeth, but you confirmed it when you made your approach to Kate. I saw the look on your face when he told us about his father. You didn't want Donald to have to give up on getting justice for Reven Wright because you love him," Red said quietly.

Liz stared at him for a moment. "Yes, but I failed," she replied finally.

"Have you heard from him?" Red asked as she headed towards the door. Liz glanced at her phone. "From Ressler? No, not in the last few hours. Should I have?"

She turned back to look at him and something on Red's face made her pause. "What is it, what's happened?" she asked guardedly. "You know something."

Red shook his head. "It's not my story to tell, Elizabeth. He'll come to you when he's ready."

"About what? What's happened?" she asked again, more urgently. Red remained silent before her, his expression now serious.

Liz waited but Red made no move to explain. She exhaled loudly. "What makes you so sure he'll come to me?" she asked finally.

Red sighed. "I told you once that Tom and and I share certain...propensities. Well, Donald and I do as well. In better ways, thankfully. He'll come to you. Soon, I hope. And when he does, just listen, Elizabeth. Listen, and you'll know what to do."

Liz nodded wordlessly, feeling her throat constrict with worry. She tried to call Ressler as soon as she reached her car but the call went straight to voicemail.

"Hey, I'm on my way home," she said in her message, trying to keep her tone light. "Call me when you get this."

* * *

Ressler sat in a coffee shop, his hands wrapped around a warm mug of tea. He'd felt chilled to the bone by the time he'd reached his car so he'd driven a few blocks and found a small place that wasn't terribly crowded. The idea of food was wholly unappealing but he was so far managing to keep the tea down. He cradled the mug just as he had cradled the mug Liz had offered the other night. She was on his mind as much as Laurel. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had failed her, that her faith in him had been entirely misplaced _. If anyone can understand, it's her,_ he reminded himself. _But will she? The minute you tell her, you make it her_ _problem too. You make her complicit_.

As he drained the last drops of tea, he glanced at his watch. He was startled to see it was after 10. He'd totally lost track of the time. He threw some money on the table, pushed his chair back and made his way to the restroom at the back of the shop. When he was finished, he rested his hands on the edges of the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror. _Where to now?_ he thought. _Home_? Maybe a big glass of whiskey would help him sleep. Or some pills. He remembered almost longingly the numb feeling Krilov and his drugs had produced. _I could go for numb right about now_ , he thought. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and hesitated only a moment before he pulled it out and glanced at it. "Where are you? I'm worried about you" the text read. _Liz_. He gripped the phone tightly in his hand and closed his eyes. He stood there for a few minutes weighing what to do, then took a deep breath and shoved his phone back in his pocket and strode out of the coffee shop without a backwards glance.

* * *

It was nearly 11 pm and Liz still hadn't heard from Ressler. Her anxiety was rising by the minute. She'd sent him a number of texts but had received no response.

Finally, she heard a faint tap at her door and rushed to answer it. She barely glanced through the peep hole to confirm who it was before throwing the door open.

"Oh my God, you're okay. I've been worried. Where were you? Why didn't you answer my calls or texts?" Liz asked as she stepped aside to let him pass her.

Ressler looked at her wordlessly and she caught her breath at the haunted expression on his face. _Something terrible has happened_ , she thought. He moved past her silently into the living room and sat down on a chair without even removing his jacket and rested his head in his hands.

Liz closed the door and moved quickly across the room. She knelt on the rug in front of him and pried his hands gently away from his head and held them tightly in her own.

"Don. Talk to me. What's happened? What's wrong?" she asked urgently.

He hesitated for a moment and then swallowed hard. "Laurel Hitchin is dead," he said flatly. "I killed her." He looked up at her and then looked away, unable to meet her eyes.

"Oh my God," Liz whispered. "What happened?"

"I'm not even sure," Ressler replied tightly. "I've been walking around for the past five hours trying to figure that out." He clenched his jaw and licked his lips. Slowly, haltingly, he told her the whole story. Liz listened silently, all the while keeping his hands tightly gripped in hers.

"It wasn't your fault," Liz said softly when he was finished. She reached up and gently caressed his face. "You didn't mean to do it."

"No, I didn't," Ressler agreed miserably, "But the fact is I am responsible. And instead of calling it in, I called Reddington to cover it up. Bring in the fixer to cover it up for Mr. Frank Sturgeon."

"You had no choice," Liz replied, as firmly as she could muster, "we both know you would never have gotten a fair hearing if you'd called it in. Especially not after what happened the other day!"

"Yeah, well, unless Prescott is even better at his job than I think, I'm gonna have a target on me with this regardless. I'm gonna be the prime suspect."

Liz's heart ached for him. He looked totally broken, defeated.

"You did the right thing," she insisted. Ressler still couldn't meet her eyes. "Don, look at me," she said. Ressler looked at her bleakly. "You did the right thing," she repeated. "You had no choice."

"Maybe..." He said as his voice trailed off. "But there's always a choice, right? I chose my freedom. For now, anyway. But I I still gotta live with it." He buried his head in his hands once more. "I've killed plenty of people in the line of duty," he muttered, his head still buried. "But this is different...I'm sorry, Liz... You finally have your second chance to live your life and this happens. I shouldn't have dragged you into this...I should go..." He got up and started to move towards the doorway.

"Please don't go," Liz said softly.

Ressler stopped and turned to look at her. "You deserve better, Liz. I never wanted to be like..." His voice trailed off and he hung his head.

Liz got up and crossed over to him and took his hands once more. "Like who? Tom? Reddington? Because you're not. And I'll tell you why. Because you're here, telling me about this, right now. Because what happened tonight is eating you alive. Because you care about what you did and you feel...remorse. You feel the pain, Don. That's the difference. Reddington and Tom? They do these things and somehow move on right away. Even me - it took me a long time for me to feel remorse over Connolly. But you - you feel it now."

Ressler stared at her wordlessly. "Bad things happen to good people," Liz continued softly. "It took me a long time to accept that, and do you know what helped me in the end?" Ressler shook his head.

"You - you helped me see that," Liz said. "You helped me see that killing Connolly didn't define me. That I could still be a good person deserving of love."

"I hunted you, Liz," Ressler replied raggedly. "I hunted you for months. I nearly got you killed because I was so blind to what was right in front of me. I was never there for you until it was almost too late. And now, here you are, trying to comfort me when by rights, I should be the one on the run right now. I feel like such a fool..." He blinked rapidly and turned his head away.

"Do you love me, Don?" Liz asked quietly.

"You know I do," he replied, his voice breaking slightly.

"Then let me love you. Let me help you forgive yourself just as you helped me forgive myself."

Liz reached up and eased Ressler's jacket off his shoulders. She pulled his head towards her and kissed his face gently beginning at his forehead and running slowly down the sides of his face. He closed his eyes and focused simply on her touch as her lips and hands moved gently across his body. She slowly peeled off his t-shirt and ran her hands across his chest. He shivered slightly as she reached up and grabbed his face and kissed his lips deeply, passionately. When she tugged at his hand, he needed no urging to follow her silently into the bedroom. He quickly shed his jeans and peeled off her blouse and kissed her hungrily, desperate to lose himself inside her. Tonight was not a night for gentle lovemaking. Tonight was about passion and urgency, and he gave himself over to her completely, allowing her embrace to push all unwanted thoughts from his mind.

Afterwards, totally spent, he pulled her into the crook of his arm and inhaled the sweet perfume of her hair as it draped over his shoulder. His hand caressed her back down to the curve of her bottom and back and he could feel the goosebumps rising on her skin. Gradually, the motion of his hand slowed and they both drifted off to sleep, locked in each others' arms.

* * *

Ressler was surprised when he woke up to find that he had slept the whole night through. Liz was still curled against him and as she began to stir, he found himself aching for her once more. Her eyes fluttered open and she tilted her head up to gaze at him.

"Morning," he whispered. Her dimples deepened as she smiled at him.

"Morning," she replied. She turned and propped herself up on one arm. "You slept," she said simply, more a statement than a question.

"I did," he replied. "I'm as surprised as you are."

"I'm glad," she corrected as she kissed his lips gently. Ressler groaned as she slid her hand down his chest towards his waist and then lower.

"Liz," he breathed, as he lost himself inside her once more.

* * *

By the time they got out of bed, the sun was fully up and Agnes was babbling happily in her crib on the other side of the wall.

"I hope I don't get home to find the U.S. Marshals waiting to arrest me," Ressler remarked ruefully as he slid into his jeans.

"You won't," Liz replied as she slipped a shirt over her head. "Reddington won't let that happen."

"Yeah," Ressler grimaced. He hesitated for a minute and looked down at his hands. "There was something I didn't tell you yesterday. Remember how I said that Mako Tanida was one of the bodies Kaplan dug up?"

Liz stopped and sat down on the bed next to him and took his hand in hers. "Yes. That must've been a shock. But you already knew he was dead, didn't you? I mean, you never looked for him again after that day."

Ressler nodded. "What I didn't tell you, is that it was a headless Mako Tanida. Part of me has been waiting for that body to turn up ever since I first walked into that ice rink. And it wasn't a shock at all because Reddington delivered his head to me in a box three years ago. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I think that's when I turned a corner. With myself and with Reddington. Getting that head was almost like a relief. Reddington had gotten my revenge for me. He kept me from devoting my life to a revenge mission of finding and killing Tanida. And I owed him, I knew that. Now I owe him again, for my freedom."

Liz squeezed his hand. "He was protecting you," she said softly. "It's what he does. He told me once that he's a sin eater. Is it so terrible to owe him?" She asked quietly.

Ressler shook his head. "No, it's not" He looked up at her with a pained expression. "That's the strange thing about all this. I used to think Reddington was this terrible person, this traitor who sold out his country. Part of me wonders now if it was the other way around."

Liz took a deep breath. "I have something to tell you too." Slowly, she told Ressler everything about Cooper and DNA test and her meeting with Reddington. When she was finished she looked up at Ressler anxiously, waiting for his reaction.

"Your father?" Ressler shook his head incredulously. "And all this time, he didn't tell you?" He shook his head. "I guess that explains a lot about why he came into your life. So you're telling me, I'm in love with Raymond Reddington's daughter, huh?"

Liz nodded and touched his cheek. "I'm afraid so. And she's in love with you. So I'd say as far as Reddington goes, you're in a pretty good position because he seems to have figured that out and as far as I can tell, he approves."

Ressler sighed. "Somehow, I'm not surprised. I actually think he knew how I felt about you before you did, though. I think he just wasn't sure how you felt."

Liz blinked at him. "Maybe you're right. Sometimes I can be completely blind to what is right in front of me. All I know is, this battle he's fighting, this list of his - it suddenly feels a lot more personal," Liz said. "I mean, I guess I always wondered, I always had this suspicion, but now it's real. His Blacklist - whatever the reason for it, it clearly involves me."

Ressler squeezed her hand tightly. "Then it involves me too. You being his daughter - that doesn't change anything for me. At least, not in a bad way."

"He told me from the beginning that if anyone could give him a second chance it was me," Liz continued. "I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I feel about him now that I know the truth, but all of this - him, you, me - despite everything - it all does feel like a second chance somehow. A new beginning."

"I'll take that chance," Ressler replied as he leaned in to kiss her once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all who have read and commented on or liked this story over the course of this season, both here and on FFN and Tumblr. I really appreciate your support!


End file.
